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(Hmm... wonder if my family would 'get it'?)
Once, I had to jump out of bed and say: "And that is why therapists only have 45-50 minutes per session!"
When I had difficulty sleeping, I was advised to get out of bed, repeat a bedtime ritual (aka sleep hygiene), not to sweat it or lay there thinking, but read a book.
These 3:00 a.m. awakenings recently allow me to say hello to people all over the world as they are getting up. hello, going back to sleep soon. : )
Groups. I've been the leader, the scapegoat (cheers Send!) and the one who desperately tried not to roll my eyes when someone monopolized the group with their life story every evening. (I left that group after three sessions)
I was in a group therapy many years back. I now know that my role was the scapegoat, (not a 12 Step at all).
Feel free to enjoy the group here. Everyone is welcome.
I have contacted a few posters who will moderate if anyone gets to stinkin, because I would not make a good group leader.
BTW, Shell will not be joining us tonight, she has been locked out by a glitch
in the website, same as some of us are experiencing.
Shell, just so you know, there is a good reason I bring up your screen name.
There are little A/C website creatures following me around, and this is how I notify them of an issue, lol. Sometimes, they fix a problem right away, late at night.
I am not qualified to speak accurately on just how 12-Step meetings work, but I did once hear someone refer to "stinkin thinkin". What's with that? For sure, I do not want to do that.
In psychology there is this thing that a person can do to help change their thinking...what they say to themselves it is called "Self-talk."
Here is how I got over feeling guilty all the time:
1) I told myself out loud "I am not responsible for other people's happiness anymore than they are responsible for mind."
2) I told myself out loud "Guilt implys bad intent. I have done nothing wrong and that I am doing the best I can with what I have."
When you think some thing ask yourself this question "Is this thought rational or not, it has to be grounded in objective fact,
--It has to be in your best interest,
--It has to protect and prolong your life.
--It has to get you closer to the healthy goals you want in your life." --Dr. Phil
3) I also say out loud, I am not God and God does not need my help! I asked God to help me be me and let Him be Him. I also have asked God for help when I am thinking wrong thoughts and you may not believe this, but I feel sick to my stomach when I am thinking negative! This in turn makes me rethink whatever it is I am thinking! So, if I think I am a bad person for thinking something bad about a person then I feel sick, I ask God to forgive me and I try to think something good about that same person. If I can't then I ask God for help!
4) If God can take our sins and transgression and throw them in the sea of forgetfulness then who am I to hold on to them? He is the Master of the Universe! So, who am I to go into the sea of forgetfulness and dig them out?
Researchers have found that if we say things out loud for 21 days that we can change our thinking. The brain can and will remap itself. I really should find the name of the book that a guess speaker at my church wrote. She was a Neurologist/Pastor. Whatever it is I no longer feel guilt for things I have no control over! However, I still feel guilty when I do something wrong and this is because the Holy Spirit will let me know, if that makes any sense.
I have also found it is helpful to do self-talk to my kitties. Yes, this may sound crazy but it really does help.
Gershun, you and Daniel are in my thoughts today.
I hope this helps all the people who find themselves feeling guilty for things they have no control over!
I rely on the bible and trust this:
Romans 8:1. (NASB)
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
My thoughts and feelings often condemn me, other people would like to criticize and condemn me. My mind gets very busy so I practice "thought stopping", replacing thoughts with an activity or a different, more positive thought.
Belief in a Supreme, loving Being also. I know people of different religions, who have very similar spirituality and beliefs, and ask ancestors for their help, pray, and believe they are part of God's unconditional love. I like that 'crowd of witnesses.' People from times before there was writing asked ancestors for help, honored and thanked them.
I struggle with not knowing if I can change a situation (and I worry or have guilt) or if I am powerless. If it is time to let go, it is reassuring to believe I can hand it over to God, and He/She will take care of it. Prayers are answered, even if the answer is "Just wait, I have something better for you.' I just don't always have the wisdom to know to let go, or keep trying. That's when talking it out with someone, or going to a Forum for some advice, is precious.
Guilt? I'll keep thinking.
This topic requires some time for reflection, so tomorrow we will look forward to hearing from someone who is completely innocent of all things. : )
Guilt is a tough one
I wish I had the answer of how to stop it. I can do everything right and still feel it. You know.
Sigh
Someone out there know how I can stop doing this?
Kudos for doing an incredibly good job!
Thank you Gershun for helping to moderate this new discussion.
I remember Cwillie, you did an awesome job!
We can continue with the topic PATIENCE,
or some suggestions for which you have had some success:
Sleepless
Anger
Worry
Grief
Healthy schedules and routines.
(Thank you Luckylu for the suggestions).
Singing
Camp Pendleton, CA
Behold he comes
Riding on the clouds
Shining like the sun
At the trumpet call
(Coming with a great cloud of witnesses)
My brother is seriously ill now and today I found out my dear cat has cancer so I need that cloud of witnesses more than ever.
The worry can really drag one down. I have to learn to pray about things and leave them in God's hands. That's the best advice one can give a person I think.
Take it one day at a time ( and I am a chronic worrier so this is hard) I hear how mindfulness can help and meditation. I'm trying to do meditation more often because my brain runs 80 mph all the time.
I look back on the experiences and I think about how I would have never believed - when I was a kid - that I would be able to stand up to medical professionals, make good decisions, and look after finances and legal matters. Just had the ER doctor pull me aside and tell me ' you have been doing an incredibly good job.'
I don't know how to explain this - the last two weeks have been incredibly stressful, and sad, but I had the uncanny feeling that my relatives who have already passed were cheering me on and just very approving of what I have already done - and I believe this is true for every caregiver out there.
The Bible says there are a 'cloud of witnesses' and I think there is.
Do the best you can, and there will be someone who notices.
Mom had a great one and I have as my husband says "a head full of laugh"
So, when I got impatient, I'd try to find the humor and get my mom to laugh too.
She was a funny lady, she said once to me "I take so many pills now I'm surprised I don't rattle"
The key to patience is to lower your expectations, both of the care recipient and yourself.
And if you are ready to blow then it's OK to just leave - not far and not for long, maybe just into the next room or out the back door or for a quick jog around the block - just until the situation is somewhat defused or you are able to tackle it with a little more grace.
How does one become more patient with loved ones, when on the verge of losing it?
Soft and fluffy KUDOS to all. Like a bunny that allows you to pick it up and hug it!
Support group meets anytime 24/7, see ya then!
In the immediate aftermath, taking a cup of coffee or a glass of iced tea and spending 5 minutes drinking it outside on the porch or in weather extremes in front of the big living room windows reduces my stress levels.
Taking a daily walk and/or a long soaking bath, even if I need to wait until the middle of night to not be interrupted. Working on organizing my digital photos to enjoy happier days again. Asking my LO for more information about some decades old photo.
Long term, staying in touch with the family, especially the grandkids generation (mostly my grand-nephews and grand-nieces but some kids in the more extended family too) brings more joy and stress relief than any other action.
Letting go of the worry by telling God all about it and leaving it in his hands as much as I am able. Accepting that I am not a perfect care giver and that I will make mistakes even when I am doing my best. Accepting most mistakes do not really matter in the long term and letting go of the guilt.
Of course my weekly respite breaks were essential, and getting some kind of fresh air and exercise.
AgingCare gave me a place to vent and a social outlet and the world wide web in general gave me answers, I don't think I could have made it without them.
Music, music was a big one. Funny how I seldom listen any more.
Unfortunately I've developed an enduring addiction to sweets and coffee because they were often the only comfort available.
I just found this thread. I typed it in wrong the first few times.
My care giving journey with my mom was at first maybe a bit of a self pity party for me. My fear of losing her blinded me to what was important and that was her welfare. But once I got past the fear and the sadness I pulled up my big girl panties and took I out of the picture and concentrated on her.
So my advice for any one tackling this journey would be do it out of love and less out of obligation because something done just out of obligation becomes a chore and resentment sets in and then disgruntlement and the focus becomes about you and not who you're caring for.
But, do continue to take care of you along the way cause if you don't you'll not be able to help anyway. Continue to eat properly, exercise, sleep when you can and if you are a believer as I am, let go and let God. Be quiet and listen for that still small voice that will guide you.
I can only say that what I have learned that love and patience is the key to surviving and doing well care giving. And being sacrificial. And the only way I personally have been able to have these things along with strength and endurance is the same as LuckyLu- through Christ.
If we rely on anything else, we will fail. Speaking only from personal experiences and success.
When I first started this journey I was a total mess. But when I realized where my help comes from, it has even at times become a joyful experience. And my patience has grown so very much. And my Love even more so.
I speak truth and I am living proof that what I am saying works.