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We are currently being helped by a respite caregiver program. Although both our incomes would have disqualified us, I think they take into account the patient's general health and the stress level of the caregiver. I understand that there's a Waiting list for this program. We don't pay anything. They come once a week and provide us with limited supplies for free. They even offered to pay for me to get a massage! No thank you. Instead, I chose a limited $$ for theater movies - no expiration date on the $$.
I was wondering if you might also check if they have something similar in your area? We also have the Catholics Social Services. It's free also. They help the elderly/invalids. They come every day to sponge bath my 2 bedridden parents. Can you believe, in all the years I've been helping with mom, Not Once did I have to shower her. When dad retired, he got busy with the phone. He applied and fought really hard to be in these programs. When they tried to cut back, he fought fiercely, Demanded that instead of cutting back, they should be adding. In the end, he won. CCS was suppose to be only once a week - we get them daily!
The moral of the story, if there is a program, you Cannot just go with the flow. Perhaps, like my dad, you will have to be more aggressive on obtaining these services? CSS also provides both parents lunch from Mon-Friday- except for holidays.
Just to give you an idea of the respite caregiver program..in our area, it was under the University program! They university had a federal funding for studies on the elderly here on island. In order to enrol, you must agree to questions, tests, etc..as part of the study. My dad agreed. And by getting his foot in the door, they also provided the weekly care and supplies and group therapy. So there may be programs there that you don't even know about!
I don't think you should take the bulk of your mom's care. If your dad doesn't want to retire, then you will just need to hire a caregiver for parttime. Then you and dad perhaps work your schedule to watch the other half of the part-time? There has to be a compromise somewhere. Like my 2 aunties told me, mom is not my problem. That I need to live my own life. But I didn't listen - out of duty and guilt (also from my dad). I sure miss the good ole days of traveling......
It's impossible to have your own goals when you're carrying someone else's well-being in your head, too. No one will allow you to make yourself a priority.
You can try to influence your father, tbrivers, but obviously you can't control him. The person whose decisions you can control is you. If your father decides he'd rather keep your mother at home with inadequate help than to actually use his financial resources to remedy that situation, that is his decision. It does NOT force you to fill in the gaps for him.
This is your time to be nurturing your family, and also taking joy from those toddlers who won't be toddlers forever. Now is the time for you to be building (as best you can) a firm financial foundation for your own future. Yes, you love your parents. Yes, you want to honor them and help them. But be careful of being exploited by your father, to the detriment of your children and your health.
Father has money. But he is only willing that his wife should have help if Medicare pays for it or his daughter steps in. And if he can't qualify for taxpayer supported financial help then his wife will just have to do without. I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is what it looks like from here.
My heart does go out to your father. It is not his fault that your mother has all those medical problems. As the spouse of a wonderful man who now has dementia I know how painful facing those "in sickness ... for worse" parts of the marriage vows can be. His situation is very difficult on many levels. I truly feel sympathy for that situation. I'm sure that you do, too. But when he has the financial means to improve at least some parts of the situation but he expects his daughter or taxpayers or the tooth fairy to bail them out rather than use his own money, well, I guess that is where my sympathy ends.
Why is your mother being turned down for Medicaid? Do your parents own assets? Have a moderately large monthly income? Then they need to use those resources to pay for in-home care, and/or to pay for nursing home placement. When the money runs out, they will qualify for Medicaid.
Poor Dad. He is overwhelmed, too. Of course he'd like for you to be SuperWoman. That is perfectly understandable. Try not to take his complaining too personally and above all, don't let it goad you into attempting to do what you cannot humanly do without great cost to your own family life and your health.
The fact that your dad still works fulltime tells me that he isn't willing to change his preferred lifestyle and stay home to take care of his wife. Why he expects you to take up the slack from his decision is hard to understand.
If there is too much income and/or assets to qualify for financial assistance, then there must be income/assets to get more help -- in home or in a care center. Why isn't that happening. If that is your father's decision, again why does he expect you to pay the consequences of that that decision?
The two times they've been turned down for Medicaid -- did they apply on their own? If so, I suggest they try again with the guidance of an attorney specializing in elder law, who can guide them about the circumstances under which they will become eligible, and advise them about spending down.