My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

One of my sisters is coming today to spend the weekend with us. The first time in a year she has stayed more than a few hours on a Sunday. We have double bunk beds in a guest room that we set up for our nephews and she said that he and her husband would probably come more often if we took them down cause she can't climb up and down onto the top bunk (her husband is way too big to do it) Isn't that a load of crap? Please. let me wreck my bedrooms so you can come stay and visit with your parents and help a sister out. It's not like we don't have a futon, a fold out couch and 3 other regular couches they could sleep on. But I won't look a gift horse in the mouth-I appreciate them coming-my husband and I get a weekend off and they get to go into the mountains and see the fall colors. It only took a year.

Rainey69 thank you for sharing your story and thank you for your kind words. You are an angel.
I am having a very difficult time accepting my loss but now l feel l am not alone. We do so much but yet we often feel is never enough.

Bleedingheart,
You are from from alone in your tragic story. As you can see, this post is filled with similar outrageous stories of greedy, selfish siblings not caring about the very ones who raised and devoted their lives to them. Not all parents were perfect but who among us is? The point of it should be when it comes time when they need us, we should step up and do the right thing but it seems more & more common that it falls upon one child who gets to carry the full responsibility. All I can say is YOU did the right thing and you should hold in your heart that knowledge and comfort. Do not waste your time with the siblings now saying their wishes of "Coulda, shoulda, woulda's" too late for that. Let them live with the guilt, it is now theirs alone to carry. My brothers have no concept of what it is like caring for Mom, instead they resent me and think I somehow talked her into and planned all this. No way did I imagine this would be my life but if it were up to them, she would be in a nursing home where she already spent her whole life working in those depressing facilities as an RN. No way would I do that to her but I did give her a choice of whatever she wanted. She chose to live with me and I accepted the responsibility knowing what my brothers would do. Deep down she must have known too because before she was showing signs of dementia, she made me POA of everything. I have already saved her life a number of times because she is here with me. Try not to let it get you down, time to move on with your life in a positive way knowing you did the right thing. *HUGS*

l just want to add to my post that just before the funeral my siblings told me they feel bad for not having been there, they texted me saying they love me and that they are here to support me and the family because that is what families are all about. How painful it is to hear this now after the fact, it means nothing now. Actions speak louder than words. They had two chances but made the choice not to make it right twice. Mom needed their care, love, kindness and compassion but got silence instead. When they showed up at the hospital mom got to finally enjoy the presence of all her kids united expressing love for her. It seems like she got some closure but I certainly did not. Love is real and judging from their actions, love to them is just the means...

My parents asked his kids 2 years ago not to put them in a home but all 3 disregarded their wishes and wanted to put them in a home because as they said themselves we have a life and a family to.look after all they already lived theirs. I stepped in and disagreed, quit my job and took care of dad with cancer and mom in a wheelchair after a stroke. I took care of both at their home left my family and moved in with them .Went home to visit my husband and son twice a week during respite and on weekends once in a while whennever my sister relieved me for one or two days if she did not have to go on holidays, to work.. this is a woman l hoped to take on this journey because she is financially well off but was not willing to do much either. I often texted and phoned begging my siblings to relieve me for few hours or the night time as l was sleep deprived and afraid l would not be alert enough to attend to my parents needs. They would not answer my calls for help and visited dad and mom at home only when dad called to ask them.The youngest when confronted by me even said he could not bare seeing him as it would raise his blood pressure ( he was on meds). The other did what he had done for years came for an hour then had to go because had something else more important to do, mom and dad were not their prority. I heard all kinds of excuses over and over. Dad went to the hospital was there for14 days till he died and the boys showed up there once dad could not even tell me whether they had been there when l asked. I think he was too disappointed in them.I went to visit dad with mom on the wheelchair everyday in the am and my sister in the pm after work. Dad would feel so reassured and hopeful looking for me in the morning to come through the door and my sister in the pm. He would clap when he saw us. Never ever my dad spoke of the boys during his stay in the hospital. I think he finally realized the kind of sons they were. I texted them nasty texts to do their responsibility to go see dad who was dying and they both told me to shut the hell out and more. Dad died with just me mom and my sister present, the boys came afterwards while everyone was there l told them how l felt about the pain they caused. One sibling said regretted not being there more often but he would do differently with mom. It just hot worst. After dad passing mom moved in with me. Her dementia and overall health deteriorated she needed more help with everything. After 6 beautiful months of being with me, my husband and son we lost her. Again the boys had not visited her or even call to see how she was doing for 5 months. She would leave messages for them, l would text them to remind them to call on special occasions but not even on her birthday they called. They had both taken her with them together the first two months three times for a few hours then stopped. l asked them now and they said were upset because they did not think mom and dad had them.on the will. They knew they were on the will because dad had told them before he died when they asked him but they checked and found out the deed of the properties were on.my name (the executor) and did not show l held their share in trust they assumed t that they would get nothing. THUS,They neglected mom who everyday asked for them and would have been so happy to see or speak with them and they both robbed her of that glimpse of happiness over selfish materialistic reasons. I told them while she was in the hospital that l hope they can live with the decision they had made again money over loving parents. Unfortunately my sweet Mom suffered a tragic fall just recently on the wheelchair going up the ramp and l was not abe to save her. The fall was not the worst problem but being on blood thinners . I am heartbroken for my loss, largest part of me died with her on that day and cannot make peace with what has happpened in my family.
They each retreated into their own lives and ignored me and mom. After l heard was send her to an institution you are the one who took in the responsibility!
How sad sad. I hope to write a book about my family and the human disconnect someday

"...my sister lives in my moms house never married she is in her late 40's and never home." That is a switch on the usual situation where it is the live-in child who has to do all of the work! Tell me, is your sister the golden girl in your mother's eyes? Does she pay your mother rent?

I have 2 sisters and a brother-all older. Both of my parents moved in with my husband and me last November-they are 86 and 90. They come to visit, eat lunch that I cook, then leave. They think that helps. I had one sister tell me that I "chose" to take care of my parents. Yes I sure did, and I would do it again. I also believe they chose ME as well. Am I burned out? Yep. Tired all the time? Yep. But I do the best I can and hope I can make their twilight years as happy as possible, although it seems they resist being happy haha

Hey i just read my own post and i want to add something. Hey everyone can only do the best that they can do and when you realize that and make the effort you learn a lot about yourself and God and whats important. Hey as hard as things were i did gain some revelations about what life is about and what is important. I can say that i am a lot more compassionate towards others and really enjoy little things that i overlooked before i had that experience. Sounds corny but is true.

I am new just joined today. I really can relate. I have the same problem. My mom is 96 and needs care. I have a brother and sister also and they do not help either. Bad thing is my sister lives in my moms house never married she is in her late 40's and never home. I'm married have two grown children and I work full time on a very demanding job. I have just accepted the fact I have to do it all. I do a lot of praying and try to not "hate" my siblings. I used to have a strong resentment towards them and I still struggle with it. That's a main reason I joined this forum.

Hey i have been through what you have. I took care of my folks about 6 years when they were disabled and dying. I am a man with two sisters that were not very involved in the situation . Both live within a couple miles of my now deceased parents. I can definitely feel your pain. Havent talked to either of them in almost 3 years. I will admit near the end i was drinking a lot and not being very nice to them i regret that. I am over that now but i tried my best to keep them both safe, clean and cared for and loved untill the end while working full time. I had someone to care for them during work hours. I work heavy construction lot of pain and stress there too. My employers were very good about my situation thank God. Not everyone is so blessed. I got to admit sometimes i think about contacting my family but its water under the bridge now. All i can say to you is do what feels right to you. Sounds like you really love your folks I know I did and still do. I would do it again tommorow. Be good to yourself and keep your faith you are the strong one dont forget that. And know for a fact you are not alone even though it feels like that sometimes.

My sister @ I are my mothers caregivers. My older brothers live out of state. They both are wonfulful with money. Anything my mother needs she will get (I count my blessings on that one!! (Believe me) The only thing I have trouble with is they don,'t call. Money has never worried my mom, all she wants is to hear from her children, that's it. That is all that is important to her, I can see the hurt in her eyes everytime I look at her, can someone explain to me why? My mom is 89 and I know that I will have no regrets when she is gone.

Feeltrapped,
You are not alone as you can plainly see from all the responses this subject has received. I can relate to many things you talk about. No vacations for me EVER. My brothers and their wives and step parents and kids all get to have their lives and vacations but they certainly EXPECT to get their share of the money, however little left she may have when she passes on. I also have lower back disc degenerative among other issues with getting older and am in PAIN most of the time. I even learned to be a professsional caregiver since I could not continue with working fulltime when Mom had to move in with my husband and I (her wishes) somehow she must have known my brothers would not care for her like I would. I learned so I could save her money since I get billed out at 30 an hour through my company. I did have a career prior to this. This has caused much strife between my husband and I. I feel too my life is passing me by and by the time I will have my life back again (after Mom passes on) I will be in such bad physical shape, I won't be able to enjoy vacations and do things I would like to do because I will be in so much pain. I have been diagnosed with arthritis in back and bursitis in my hips and I am only 46 soon to be 47. I also have pain in foot and knee. Where will I be phyically when she passes? Resentful? Hell yes! I am trapped as well. Nobody ever offers to help. Just because I am in pain does not mean I get a day off. I am still expected to do my domestic duties, take care of Mom and her lymphatic leg and failing mind. My husband wants nothing to do with it either. Instead, why can't I work more? Not pulling my weight financially because I can't work full time anymore, sometimes I feel like I can hardly wait till until it's my time to "move on." Don't think I mean I want to die but I certainly am not afraid of it! If this is enjoying life, all I can say is I am glad I had a lot of fun when I was younger! I do love my Mom and I am glad I can make the last part of her life as pleasant as possible but I too can only spend so much time with her without losing my mind at times. Also, going through peri-menopause makes everything more challenging keeping my patience in check. *HUGE HUG to you* In the end, we can say, "We did the right thing." I think it's too much to hope for that my brothers will regret and feel guilty for doing NOTHING. Instead, they will blame me that Mom put in her Will that I get 50% of whatever money she has left and they get 25% each. I don't think they deserve a damn cent but there may be nothing left anyway. I dread the day because I know her death will end up bringing out the worst in them however, I will finally tell them I don't want to hear or see them ever again. I will end up the big bad meanie. I will tell them they got their freedom and their sanity, can they put price tag on that?

It is hard to believe there are so many dis-caring siblings out there. How can they live with themselves? My husband and I have been taking care of mother-in-law for 14 years. I am 63. I have children 42, 42, and 22. Grandchildren 14,11,11. I have difficulty seeing them because I am so tied down and they live 1.5 hours and 3 hrs away. My grandchildren want to see me now, not later when they will be busy with their lives and friends when they are older. Occasionally, when I do see them, my husband stays home with his mother. (Which means we as a married couple have no Time together)

Meanwhile, husband's sisters are going on all sorts of vacations with their children and grandchildren all of the USA and Europe. Posting on FaceBook what a wonder time she is having with her "family". Becoming very very resentful. Arguing and fighting with husband. My husband has 2 sisters that have helped very very little. We always have to ask them to take her while we go on a vacation (2weeks) or take our son to College which is 1 overnight. (we were told 2 weeks vacation was plenty for us) We are watching her 24/7/350 days year. They give us such a hard time and it ends up in a family fight! Husband's cousin stepped in and watched Mom for us for a week several years ago. Grand daughter watched her this Spring when we went on our 2 week vacation. But made it clear that this was not going to be a re-accuring event. None of the family calls an ask to take her for a weekend, days, weeks, etc. Oldest daughter takes her to get her hair done once a month, then states this is her time with Mom, 2 hours with driving time, then comes to our house and I end up cooking dinner for her!. I should do a disappearing act.... And this is her contribution. I was taking her 2 blocks away before to hair dresser, Mom manipulated this deal to see her for the 2 hours a month. My mother-in-law is not bed bound. She can get around slowly, she is 86. IN several days she will be 87, not one has called to ask to take her for an outing. The last birthday they celebrated was her 80th. Maybe they are planning something for her 90th! They do not even bother to call her on holidays, thank her for money presents she sends. Of course, Mom will not say anything to girls. She feels bad, Martyr type. I suggested writing letter to girls, that will not happen.
Youngest daughter said we should just get people in to watch Mom and pay them. (Anything so she does not have to be bothered) I really do not want all kinds of strange people tramping through my house. And the expense.....Mom has some money saved but we are trying to preserve as much as we can in case she needs more and specific care. They have already said they WILL NOT help financially, not a penny.
I can see this is going to get worse and worse.

I am now beyond angry, RAGE is more like it, husband says we can not get them to help. He still is working, I took retirement, because I degenerative disc problems, in pain all time. Also have macular degeneration and there have been changes, so not sure what that will bring. I feel like my Time is running out. I want to put here in respite care every few months, but place for mom counselor said it did not work like that. Or a permanent place . I want my life back. My husband has written A letter telling them that the three of them have to work something out and that I am not the responsible one for their mother. He feels the letter will go nowhere and we will be back to square one with making decisions only to be blamed for whatever decisions we make. Which I have no problem with, he does

It is gotten so good I can't even stand to be in the same room with her. I am going to have to go to a counselor you to handle this rage

I totally understand. The best way I have dealt with it is cutting them out of my life completely. You choose friends and you do not choose siblings.I do for my parent and that is all I care about. If siblings are that selfish, they are pathetic.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words.
Here is an update to the original thread "My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!".

My mother took a severe health turn in May of 2016. Hospice had already been in action for about 3 months. My mother was dying.....I contacted my sister. She and my brother finally came out to see her a week before her death. I believe this was mainly out of guilt...I found out to my horror and shock later, that it was to get all of her jewelry and money! WTF! I could LITERALLY care less about jewelry and money....my mother was DYING!
My mother passed away on June 3, 2016. It was the worst day of my life. I loved her more than anyone ever. I miss her everyday. My sister and brother found out my Mom had made me the sole beneficiary of a death benefit. Before her passing, she told me about this (maybe 10 years ago). She did not trust my brother and sister to use the money for her burial...she knew that I would.

I purchased as nice of a niche as I could for her. I am so happy to have it...I am happy to be able to visit her. My brother and sister wanted to know if there was any money left for them! I still hate them, and hope that their children never treat them this way...and "No", there is no money left because I spent the death benefit on the niche burial...I did just what my mom wanted.

I know that my brother and sister are battling with guilt.....I am not. I did everything I could to take care of my mother....they did NOT! I spent well over $45k supporting my mother when she got disabled.....I don't regret it...I have no guilt after her passing. I have wonderful memories of having coffee and lunch with her...hugging her, and laughing with her. My brother and sister did not bother to do anything...I feel sad for them.

Unfortunately, it would seem that it would be a rare family where each child does their share in taking care of the aging parent. It is too common for everything to get dumped on one child. I know because I am the one child who has done everything and is 2 1/2 hours away from my aging parent. My sibling is 20 minutes away . So, I understand your anger and hate, but as I am learning I need to conserve what little energy I have left on my aging parent not my selfish and clueless sibling.

I feel and UNDERSTAND your pain fully...i too am taking care of my mother alone...i have 1 sister and two brothers...one brother who is a pill head and at one point in time came to stay with us, me thinking he was going to pitch in, came to me figureing out he was taking moms pills...I resent my family more than I hate them...but I guess its close enough....i am praying for you...also I am a30 yr old female and have been doing it for about 7 years

I feel and UNDERSTAND your pain fully...i too am taking care of my mother alone...i have 1 sister and two brothers...one brother who is a pill head and at one point in time came to stay with us, me thinking he was going to pitch in, came to me figureing out he was taking moms pills...I resent my family more than I hate them...but I guess its close enough....i am praying for you...also I am a30 yr old female and have been doing it for about 7 years

Why is it that it always seems that ONE person in a family takes on the role of caregiver for their parents? For me, I have 2 useless brothers who have done nothing but make life difficult for my parents from the start of both of their lives. I've spent many years angry and resentful but always seemed to do the right thing when it came to my parents. I know guilt has been a major driving force...never enough feelings, never enough time, etc. but I must say that even though I resent that I'm all alone caring for my father (great support from my husband) I have found great joy and comfort knowing that I am doing the right thing. I also did the same for my mother before she passed away a few years ago. The hate and anger still knocks on my door lots but somewhere, somehow, I am learning to deal with it. I do know that once my father passes, life will change and I will no longer be haunted with the hate of have for my brothers but will be comforted knowing that I did the very best to care for my parents. I hold on to this every day because I know the most important thing to me right now is the loving care I am able to give to my dad.

I actually started my own caregivers group in my community and have about 25 people who also provide caregiver for their loved ones. We talk about anger and hate all the time and how all consuming and unproductive it can be. Find the joy in the caring for your loved one...that's all the matters right now!

I too am the only one who cares for my mum, that is me, my husband and my two children. I have two brothers and one sister out of all of us I am the one who dies not own their own home so financially will be in trouble when I retire. They never ring her or take her anywhere and when we do go out with them it is still up to me to pay for whatever mum wants. It makes me cry it just isn't fair on me or mum. I too will let my siblings know how I feel when it can no longer hurt mum.

Thanks for your post 😊 . The bare truth to why I understand my brothers not being there- I really didn't want to either! I didn't want her to be old and feeble and dying- but that isn't reality, we all will die- some sooner than others. I felt my mom deserved to have me there- someone who cared from the gut. The fact my brothers couldn't be there really was a personal blessing; it became another opportunity to grow in faith. It's been just over 2 years and it seems in some ways, yesterday. I may not have my mom anymore, here on earth, but I still dream! Sometimes we so desperately want our families to stick together through thick and thin, but each of us can only be so much to another person. When we have expectations and criteria for others we can often only live in anger. Anger is a very destructive emotion and takes up loads of energy. When it hit me I felt as if my heart had turned black and hard. I could have stayed angry, but it was destroying me. They did what they were capable of. Releasing the anger freed me up. It also made me hold up a mirror at myself- in reality I am as frail as they are, I was just given the grace I begged for.

Annie, I love your post - you did well by your Mom, for sure! - and it IS best to assume people are doing the best they can...but only until they profoundly prove otherwise. Some people really do as little as they can get away with. And turn around and laugh - AT us - about it. Sometimes it is OK to be angry; there is a fine line between forgiving and excusing; forgiving takes a little more because you realize you have been wronged and choose not to hold it against someone. At the same time, you do not necessarily have to let yourself be hurt again and again. I know, "turn the other cheek" - but there are limits to that - hey, we only have two cheeks each.

And I often think to myself that the lazy, the selfish, and the cruel are in worse shape than we are in the light of eternity at least. And then I remember to make sure that while I am busy feeling sad for myself I don't end up excusing myself from being the best person I can be either and fall into those traps myself.

I am the middle child and a nurse. I was "chosen" to care for our mother; my brothers lived a distance away. I'd promised my mom she'd die at home, as she desired, but at the end began to wonder if I could do it. Sure, I could "make" my mom a "patient" in a box in my mind- and that worked for a while... At the end, both boys came to say their "goodbye"- but I knew I'd be alone when she took her last breath- and I was. My faith gave me the strength I didn't have. Realize, fellow caregivers- people sometimes just can't bring themselves to witness the crumbling of a person of such importance, a parent. Let go of the anger. People have their own journeys in life- we don't have to understand or agree. In the end, everyone is simply doing the best they can.

There are four other brothers who are like the ones talked about here. It is not easy to realize I cannot change them, and not get angry at them when my stress gets hard. I agree with the post that talks about forgiving, and that it helps the caregiver more, because, if I am focusing on how much I hate them, my focus is not 100% on caring for my dad and taking care of myself. It is not easy to do, and more often than not I forget and get angry, and I need to be reminded of that, then it is OK.

I fully understand this part of the family thing, and also that the caregiver is "chosen", as we did not volunteer or plan on this. I must fully accept it and realize that God gave me this duty, and will be able to do it with His help.

You have to be kind to yourself first and foremost. Paradoxically, step one it to let it soak in that you ARE in a bad spot, through no fault of your own. You have people that should be helping and instead are hurting you daily with indifference and callousness, who have a fog of entitlement blinding them from the realities and the crying needs of your situation. And, you do not have an option to escape this ongoing hurt, unless somehow you come up with a more penetrating form of communication that gets through that fog. (Print this entire conversation and mail it to them? Say NO to requests for money every single time? Send them bills, with a cc to a lawyer? Just fantasizing probably...they are probably being dense because they want to be.) Your anger is totally and completely valid. Acknowledge that to yourself, and then spend as little energy on it/them as possible unless it is to say something or do something that has not been done before that might have meaning to either you or to them. Refuse solemnly and openly to repeat the same argument over again to them. You tell them, "Look, I've told you why I'm saying no to your request and why I am going to keep saying no...we are not rehashing that. No. just no. You want anything, you do something to earn it...you want fifty bucks, you come do the lawn or repair the bathtub or whatever would actually help you. Better still, YOU start putting fifty bucks a month into Mom's care funding account." They have shown you they are not decent enough to step up just because they should... you can either give them a reason to or just stop hitting your head on that particular wall. YOU have the high ground here...take strength from that. I'm not sure that means "moving away" from being appropriately angry at all.

How do you move away from the anger of a sibling who does not help but sure has had no problem always asking for money?

From experience I can tell you that they are not now, not ever, going to help. As my daughter in law says "So just put on your big girl panties and deal with it". I finally decided after a long tearful conversation with my sister about this and was told to stop being a martyr, that I don't and have never regretted taking this on. I love my parents,am caregiver for both. That's all that matters, they would and have taken care of me at various times in my adult life and the least I can do is keep them in their own home and keep them safe and healthy. If my siblings choose to visit fine, if they offer to help with something 😉 fine, but it is not worth my time, energy or emotional upheaval to waste it on them. When something happens at least I know I did everything I could to make them comfortable during this time when they are losing everything. Their independence, their strength and their dignity. Think about it, wouldn't you want someone like you taking care of you when you are in that condition. I'm grateful they at least have one of us that will do it.

Your an angel, and God is going to reward you for that. You helped your mother and still are. Unfortunately there will always people like your siblings, but later in life they will end up paying for that. Your mother loves you, you helping her, you dedicated yourself for her care. God bless you. God is going to reward you for your kind actions. You'll see. I love my parents and promise to care for them no mater what. Everyone is responsible for careing for their parents. My aunts and uncles are the perfect example. They are caring for my grandparents, and they are living a very healthy and happy life. My grandmother had a heart attack and a stroke many years back. We visit them every time we get a chance. They need love and affection, and we all care for them. You should feel satisfied and accomplished for what you did. You are a model, and example for everyone else.

Thank you chari7

Hi Mathscidi. I don't know about legally, but you certainly don't owe them anything ethically or morally! I am not the one to help you since I am an only child; but, believe me, we have plenty of others with similar sibling situations who will be glad to tell you about the legal aspect. Do as you husband says and I wish you well. Taking care of your mom is enough; you do not need any other stress.