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The thing is that is more than likely a baseline personality issue. You will not be able to change it, so it becomes a choice of how to cope.
I am my mother's only provider. However, I did get to a point, and still can easily be provoked to the point of if she goes past a certain line I have determined in my mind, she is on her own. Seriously. She can become a ward of the state if that is the case, but when push comes to shove, my mom knows that I am serious when I draw the line in the sand. No matter what extent she goes to, she "knows" when enough is enough and she won't like the result.
I refuse to be held hostage to her behaviors. I learned that about 6 years ago and I had to decide if my sanity was worth it. It is and so I learned boundaries. Oh those are not easy, but it can be done.
We can be pitiful or we can be powerful but we cannot be both.
Just this morning at 7:45 am....before I brushed my own teeth..before I went to the toilet myself, before I combed my own hair or found my own glasses... I hear "Will somebody get me outta this bed?" through the baby monitor we carry (like a lead weight around our necks in a pool to hear our summons to assist her). Before I can stumble up the steps to her bedside, she has repeated herself about 10 times in 60 seconds shaking her bedrails. Hey I love her, but at this moment instead of "Will someone get me outta this bed" it sounds more like "Will someone please club me in the head" and I am more than willing to comply! LOL. Of course I didn't club her but damn I so much feel like a slave.
The other day I noticed that I could barely smile when I responded to her calls for assistance. I was tired of being responsible. When I looked at her, she looked so tired and lonely I leaned over and gave her a hug. She clung to me hard. She recognized me then for being more than a wheelchair pusher, cook, and butt wiper...she smiled and her eyes were misty with emotion. It was one of those moments that made me think. Hey, maybe I can do this for one more day :D
Mom wants to go to a nursing home, she doesn't want to live with my brother or me. She thinks the nursing home will be like a cruise. (no she does not have dementia) She thinks we want her money because we tell her we will take care of her. Well she has talked me into it, a nursing home it is.
I have been my mother's caregiver for almost 11 years now and it has been a learning experience. One of the best things I learned is that it is not only about me and my struggles with her, but hers with me. My mother was orphaned out to a lot of relatives when she was young and so now that she has Altzheimers she is afraid to be left alone and sometimes gets anxious and cranky. At first, I took the crankiness as her being difficult. Then I remembered her past (which she is living in) and it has been easier for me to not take the crankiness personally.
Get some respite care and go be you!
Now I'm going through the process of her acting out, as I have determined that I wish to relocate back to New York...and am close to lining up a job. I have secured support from a company that helps you find affordable assisted living and independent retirement communities, and have toured a number of facilities to identify the best fit for my mother. As I've gotten closer to securing a job, my mother has become increasingly depressed...won't get out of bed, eat, take her medication. This is an ongoing pattern that has gone on for years. I just can't stand being around her at this point....I'm jumping through hoops to find her a great living situation and she provides no value, support or help. Her plan, while not verbalized, was that she would live with me for many years (just as she did for her parents, despite the fact that I told her this would be for a period of no longer than a year). I don't need answers from anyone. I just need to vent, and hope that someone can share a similar situation to make me feel I'm not alone.