My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

You guys are not alone. They can drive us crazy at times. A lot of the craziness for myself is due to a nagging feeling of guilt. I need to do four things at once. I need to do my own work, I need to keep my mother company, I need to trim the hedges, and man, the kitchen is looking dirty. Many times I end up doing nothing at all because there is so much. I get addled.

My mother's talk is usually confusion and self absorption, but her mind is not well. At one time she wasn't such a nice person, so we don't have that great a relationship to build on. She tries more now and I know she needs me. I let her talk and if it isn't important, I don't correct her. I've heard all the stories a hundred times, but I let her tell them. And yes, I feel antsy, but it is because of the other three things that I need to be doing. She isn't doing anything wrong and pretty soon she won't be able to tell these stories.

In the last five years I've learned that how I feel depends so much on the way I look at things. I still get very angry when she does things to upset my apple cart, but the little things don't bother me like they once did. I'm not able to be as nice as some of the carers on the group are, but I have gotten expert at tuning my mother out when needed. That helps me a lot in caring for myself.

Mom came to live with us about a year ago. She was malnourished, dehydrated, and a little out of it. She had been abusing oxycodone and xanax for years. She can't be left alone because she has blackouts due to a blood pressure issue and neuropathy. She is taking coumadin which has to be monitored on a regular basis. She has been seen by an internist, cardiologist, plastic surgeon (skin cancer). We have installed a chair lift. She wasn't using the seat belt as we requested, she fell out the chair this past February because she hadn't put the belt on, fractured her shoulder, I took her to emergency for that, 2 days later I was taking her to an orthopedic specialist for the shoulder and she fell in the garage and fractured her hip. She had hip replacement surgery and the shoulder took time to heal on its own. She was in a nursing facility for about 1 month. She just had all her teeth pulled and we are in the process of getting plates.

It just seems to be an endless cycle of one doctor after another. She is not content. As I stated before, I care for her full time with the exception of one morning a week when I check in at the office. Most of my work can be done at home. She hovers over me continually. Conversations are 90% negative, about her health issues, things that happened 50 years ago. I've tried to shut those topics down and told her most of what she was complaining were decisions and situations she chose to be in... I've heard the same stories over and over. I am now telling her when she starts up with one... "I know, you told me that." Or, "I know, I lived through that too - remember, I was there." If she's not complaining about the past, it is: her bowels, not sleeping, her skin, her clothes, her food... and on and on and on. I told her once to let me know if something was right, that would be refreshing to hear... just once.

Thanks for listening, I just felt like I was going to explode this morning.

I for one am the caregiver of my 83 yr old mom. My son moved in because she needs an extra eye at night. I believe I may be in caregiver burn-out. I have been going nearly every day for 2 years straight. At first it wasn't so bad but now as the progression of this disease is starting to take over, I feel myself losing more and more patience. My mom is a retired school teacher and a very highly respected woman in our community. I do not know what year mom is living in? The constant repeating and OCD behaviors are wearing me down. She rips paper, cuts boxes and throw away containers in little pieces, counts her pens and markers on a daily basis.She drops crumbs all over the house and we now have mice and ants. Both which she says she has NEVER had. hahah. Blames my son for everything. He is 20 years old. Her entire pleasant personality is gone towards me. If she asks me a question and I answer, the response is always, "how do you know"? I am positive she knows something is wrong with her, but we were advised by her doctors to never tell her that she has Alzheimers.I know that I need a support group but I am embarassed to go. Mom refuses to take a bath while I am there. Washing her hair is a nightmare, she only wants to eat sweets and drink coffee. I guess I am just plain exhausted!!!

I'm so glad to hear I am not alone. I am 55 and I am taking care of my 82 year old mother because she refuses to take care of herself. We were told by her doctor that she must be supervised because she stops taking her blood pressure medication and eats nothing but sweets. I have never liked the person my mother is. She is very self-centered, never worked for more than a few days and was admittedly mean to me while I was growing up. She is so negative it really gets on my nerves. She is even worse to my husband and talks terrible about him even though she is living off of us. She has no where to go .

Letter above skipped the part about it was my sisterinlaw who brother left all money in her control---don't understand. I have helped my mom out financially all her life. I worked as nurse and bought her furniture, dentures ect. All I can figure is his wife who ifeel in narcissistic, and very controlling coerced brother. It is a catch 22. You live your life for your parent or put them in NH and live with guilt. What to do?

Could someone please advise me also. My sister died in an accident when she and I were in our 20s and mom has been divorced and always angry at my father and talked about how sorry he was. I have had the emotional burden of her being angry and being her companion early on. I married early and have been divorced since then--no children and brother passed last year.
I am entirely alone no emotional support,etc. I have had mom with me for 9 months now with Alzheimers and when I mention nursing home, she states well, I looked after you when you were little. Talk about guilt---I don't know what to do. I am 62 with heart problems and she is not too much trouble, but does have poor toileting habits and when I take toilet tissue , she gets mad. I have to monitor bms etc and can not leave her alone. I guess I will do this until I drop dead or whatever. I cannot use assisted living because she nor My brother left her well off and stated he was leaving 160 thousand for mom---Now talk about anger.---I have it and could KILL her and Him for not putting money in trust for mom. I think she coerced brother but cant prove it.

My heart goes out to all of you. All I can add is don't let guilt keep you in an abusive situation. I'm thinking of CrazyTalk here when I say that Social Services should take over making sure her mother gets care. Someone that mentally ill needs professional attention.

The idea that this elder can dominate your life and load you with guilt is terrible beyond words. This ruins lives. I have huge sympathy for anyone who is mentally ill, and I'm assuming that anyone who acts like this must be mentally ill, but it's not okay to destroy the family.

Do what you must to take care of yourselves - all of you in this position. I'm so happy to see how you support each other in this community.
Carol

The rage is awful. I know what you mean about the look. My mother's face would turn red when she didn't get her way and her eyes would tear over -- not with sadness, but with rage. Thankfully that has died out with time for my mother, but it sounds like your mother has some deep-seated personality problems. I wouldn't blame you at all if you pulled up stakes and moved to a faraway land to get away from her. I don't know if there is really anything that we can do to help a personality like this except to try to ward off the blows while trying to help. Sometimes it helps to let people like this know that you have one step out the door already, so they had better mind their p's and q's. It is not a good way to live, but if they think that you're stuck, they can be quite cruel. I hope you're able to keep a lot of emotional distance and a good bit of physical distance from her. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to right now, but the reverse is true, too. You are in a very difficult situation.

Is there nothing we can do,,,,, My Mother, who never was the most maternal, at least not toward me, in fact she has told me on several occasions, over the course of my life, even when I was a kid, that she didn't really like me much, It would seem that I was too much like my Father, and although she lived with him till the day he died two years ago, I am certain she hated him, as her lot in life, was to make his as miserable as possible,
My Father was wonderful and could make you see the funny side of anything, I vaguely remember being like that as well,
He once said to me laughing "I would hate me as well, if I was half the son of a b she tells me I am everyday" 2 weeks before he died, he finally gave up and came to my house, and said I can't take it anymore,,, Now my Father was a big guy, so the phrase "abuse" would never enter into his vocabulary, especially where my Mother was concerned, How could he admit to the emotional and verbal abuse My mother reaped on him every single day. I think he thought it would make him less of a man, in any event, she had threatened to kill him in his sleep, and he had, had enough, he said he believed her, He came to me and asked if he could move in with us, I told him no problem, its about time. We were in the process of changing our house around to accommodate him, as he still didn't want to just up and leave after 50 years, he said wait for the next outburst, when she attacks me again, and I'll just leave then, His only stipulation was that I had to look out for her, after he left, He was killed in an accident 2 weeks later, When the police called, for a moment I was sure my Mother had killed him,,, Myself, My husband and children miss him every single day,

Now we are left with my Mother, with nobody to vent her never ending rage on, it would seem I have the job, and would like to resign, as I don't ever remember applying for the position.

I can send her into a frenzied rage, which involves screaming hurling profanities, name calling, and on many occasions its in a very public place, It can be for something as little as reminding her she didn't need eggs, it was milk she needed, while standing in the grocery store, She actually seethes, teeth clenched, her face gets beet red, she growls and pants trying to catch her breath between the rants, It really is something to witness, as long as your not the target, You would be surprised at how often it happens,

Its funny though this upsets my stomach to the point I'm physically ill, However when she is telling somebody about my Father, and what a wonderful man he was and how great a relationship they had, and how she misses him and they were never apart in 50 year, blah blah blah, I have to walk away, I can't take it,
We lived with her while our house was being build, 15 years ago for 6 months, It was a completely separate apartment, still she kept letting my dog into her part of the house, and every night getting home from work, I was met with a list of things the dog had done, 5 solid months of constant complaining and threatening, and whining, I finally gave the dog to a friend who had a farm for the duration of our stay with her, Unfortunately the little guy was killed by the coyotes on the farm, before we could get him back, I have never forgiven myself for this, I loved that little dog, My Mother when she found out,said Hm that' s horrible, he probably died thinking you didn't want him, and went on eating her dinner, My Father quietly cried. For this I loved him even more..

So when she is acting out, calling me names phoning me upwards of 20 times a day, with every single crazy thought going through her head, I can tolerate it most days,

When she starts telling people how wonderful she was to my Father and how much they loved each other and how she misses him, and then there are the stories about the little dog, how smart he was, how much she loved him and she wished I had never just given him away like so much trash.... Its all I can do, not to strangle her.

My Mother in Law, was talking about her sister, (whom is very kind, and takes in all the strays more people than animals and gets taken advantage of daily) when she said, "Age doesn't make people mean, gullible or kinder, , it just makes them more of what they already were"

I believe this completely as my Mother was never the kindest person, and now she is truly manipulative aggressive and evil. I think the subtleties of the unkind innuendo, malicious gossip and slightly racial slurs, evade her in her old age, and she has to say exactly what she thinks, and none of it is nice,

My siblings have stopped talking to her, some several years ago, Unfortunately with her manipulations, they have also stopped talking to me as well, I am certain its all the lies she tells, When she says something really hurtful, she doesn't want to be alone in it, so she says "We" "We think your a drunk" "We think your a liar" This "We" used to encompass my Father, now for some reason it encompasses me,

Lately she blames me for anything and everything that ever was and will be wrong with her life, Then the next day, she is all sunshine and light, and wants to buy a house with us and live happily ever after, I have nightmares about it, because once that happens, there is no going back.

She cries at the drop of a hat, and I feel terrible, however I know her and her every mood, usually people mistake the crying for sadness, its not for the most part, just sheer rage.... I managed to get her to the doctors once, where I took a deep breath and ambushed her, telling the doctor some of things she had done and was up to, She looked truly shocked and told the doctor I was fabricating it and laughed and was witty and funny and articulate, I didn't even recognize the woman in the doctors office, How is this possible, how can she turn it off and on, The doctor sent her for some tests and said if they came back negative, they would send her for and early alzheimer test, 3 years later, she has alienated anybody that every cared for or about her, and still she refuses to return to the doctors, saying he said there wasn't a thing wrong with her,

I am at my wits end, We are all she has left, I am so close to throwing in the towel, that the guilt is overwhelming,

Do we have to wait till she does something really really crazy, and loses everybody, before, I can make her see a doctor

Thankyou,but I am mad with family not mom. I don't have the heart to do it yet,but know at some point I may have to since I have no support and my own health problems.

Nice maybe it is time for placement for Mom-if you take action the anger will lessen for you.

Yes, my mom has alzheimers and has been living with me for the past 8 months and I was at her trailer for a year everyday before that taking her meals, getting meals on wheels which she refused, taking her to drs appts,etc. My brother was sick and he passed away in feb 2013. He always told me he was leaving money "for mom" since his wife is so stingy she didn't even want him to do that, so he left it all to her and in her hands. The point I am trying to make is that I am totally alone in this, no husband, no children ---only a few friends. I sold my moms trailer and got 7 thousand --only thing she owned and asked my sil if brother had left money for mom and she tells me to use money I got from trailer and her check which is 950 a month and whatever is left she will pay half. Assisted livings start at 3 thousand a month and I cant afford 1 thousand a month.I not only have mom but all this anger to deal with. I have had nothing else to do with sil and wouldn't ask her for a penny. My brother could have put some in a trust for mom. I know they had 800 thousand in bonds,etc and 200,000 of that was my sil. which she put in with my brothers and told me they had an agreement if he died first everything went to her and vice versa. I use moms check for daycare which runs 7 hundred or so a month to have a break. I still have all thisANGER trying to understand why they did this. I have always worked and even helped mom out as much as I could when working--helped mpay for her car, bought her living room furniture,etc. Only option I have is nursing home and she will qualify for Medicaid there. I hate my sil for being so stingy. I used 2 thousand of that 7 thousand from her trailer and have prepaid for funeral. When I mention nursing home to mom, she says well, I took care of you when you were young--talk about guilt trip. Back to sil and asking for financial assist, she says paying for half is what my brother would do if he was here--well hes not here and if he was he would have half of this responsibility also. I could strangle the bitch.

I'm not trying to mock anyone, because I've been there with my dad having dementia and my mom just flat out narcissistic which in itself is a whole new set of issues on top of already challenging ones, but one thing my hubby and I discovered with my dad especially was to just play along and it was a game for my hubby and I how to come up with creative new answers or how long we could take repeating the same answer. My dad's favorite question was "What's up?" I would say things like, the sky, the ceiling, my pants, etc and dad would just giggle turn away and forget again and ask again. Or if we were trying to keep him occupied by reading the paper, he only thought he was reading, but he'd flip pages and look at pictures and say he was done and put down the paper. My husband knew I needed to keep him occupied so he would say, "Hey Gus, I brought you the paper. There's something interesting in there you may relate to." Dad would spend a little time doing the same thing, set it down and the routine would start all over when my husband would try another tact. He kept my father busy for about an hour. It was kind of comical in a way. LOL

I had people tell me how cruel I was when I changed the clocks ahead two hours because when friends who were watching him got him all out of his routine, dad was MISERABLE. He knew his routine from a lifetime of it that if he got deviated, even with dementia, he was a bear. So to avoid that, I moved clocks forward 2.5 hours so he thought it was one time and would get back into his routine. Did that for about a week to get him back on track. I had to change the clocks when he was in the bathroom cleaning his teeth (over an hour routine since he'd forget he brushed and flossed), so I had time to hit all the clocks or remove batteries. What was more amazing was to watch his confusion between his internal clock and the actual clock. By God that man knew the actual time even though the clock was wrong. I was floored!!! But I did get it to work to put him back on schedule.

You do what you have to in order to survive the situation you are in. Don't feel guilty for what you have to do to keep your sanity, even if that means screwing with your loved one to keep you laughing. Sanity is vital!!!

My mother has dementia and the only thing we fight about constantly is her calling me at work 28-30 times a day. I have the entire load myself, my brother is invisible. I have found myself screaming at her and even once I told her I hated her. I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I never smile, I'm always tired and I find that I enjoy nothing. I do not believe in nursing homes and babysitters for the elderly cost a fortune. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in hell.

I have been given the task of putting my 85 year old mom into a seniors home. I have siblings who, over the years, have been much closer to her. They have finally had enough. She is the same if not worse, than the life we spent with her growing up. Friends used to say "Lets go over to **** house. The old lady is always good for a laugh!" This was my teenage years - having peers come over to have a laugh at my mom and the way she acted. As an adult, she decided other siblings were "more accommodating" because I wanted a healthier life for my children. I spent many years in which I was isolated from my family (their choice). Now I am given the task of finding her a home to spend her last days in, along with the control of siblings, even thought they don't want to help. She was abusive and controlling. Now I am feeling so many feelings I don't like and can't help feeling. She is my mother and the some of the others still try to control the situation. I keep telling them I am not going to be involved with this anymore and they keep harassing me. It is hard to finally exit from the situation

And to make it even crazier -- at the end of the day when we say we're tired, they say why? you haven't been doing anything. Scream!

Oh crazysusan1...I can relate...they called it crazy making!!! Want to scream??? I did and I did! In my car where I could really let it go...felt much better. I know..".too hot...too cold. Oh I have a prescription to pick up and I need it tonight"...I just got home from work where I could have picked all of this up on my way home...yep..yep..yep..I know. Just another crazy day. Feel for ya gal! Hugs!!!

what day is it? Thursday? I thought it was Monday. Its Sunday? Oh I thought it was Friday. What? What is my relation to you? Where did you go ( in that 2 mins ) ? Bathroom. When are we eating? Are you hungry? No Why did you bring me so much? I can't eat all that. I have no bottom teeth. see. I fell. Where's your walker? Over there. I can't hear this goddam program. Where's your hearing aides. Over there. I can't see the tv. Where's your glasses. Oh you've found your old ones that don't work. Great! Why is it so cold. Ma, its 80 out. And you think thats warm enough? What are you doing in my drawer? Did you take my change? Wheres your mother. You are my mother. Where's daddy. Who's daddy? My daddy. Dead for 30 yrs. You didn't tell me that. I don't remember that.
Its gonna be another fun weekend.

Please, someone give me feedback. I want to love my 92 yr old mom but its hard.
She's beyond annoying...and she always was. She's putting me in a bad spot of feeling guilty because when she's sick or lying sleeping I feel bad. But as soon as she's lucid and talking I feel like strangling her.

Because apparently its a thread that relates to everyone and they keep them and do not remove them after time.

Hello Jazzy I can relate to your post I wear all the hats in the house and I do this all by my self for 10 years! My mom is 95 and in health wise she is ok but she will asked me to make a dr. appt and then will not go so I have to cancel and she will not go to her day center any more that was my day to relax and do something for me only!!!!!!. I do understand that she is tired of the center but....I am trying to keep her as active as I can. She just wants to stay home and watch her programs (tv) I am thinking about getting some respite for a weekend or a week she is not going to like that! Respite is short term stay at a nursing home. I dont know I to talk to her but that is not easy. One day at a time .....God bless Purplerain

oh, ok, now i see more current ones. My 94 year old dad fell and broke his hip about 10 days ago. After hip replacment surgery and a week stay in the hospital, he's now in a SNF. but he's delirious and forgets where he is and begs us to come get him and take him home. It's heartbreaking. My mom is 90 and has dementia and is a control freak--and nasty. I am doing ALL the work around my dad's situation and that means I'm his full-time social worker. But my mother had the nerve to yell at me tonight! I feel like saying 'go to hell, I quit!' meanwhile my brother is far away and not doing a god-damn thing...because of sexism the females are always expected to do the care-giving. He acts like his life is more important than mine. I have had to put everything on hold to deal with all this. I"m burned out and fed up!

the last comments i see on here are dated 2009..and this is 2013...so what's up with that?

@ godsgirl,
"acting like a crazy person (which she is").
thats a factual statement. my mothers haldol is bout worn off, end of month. shes been blubbering and argueing all day long. we just fussed for 1-1/2 hrs about how i could set the house temperature where i want and shed just get an extra blanket and freeze. suddenly she clarified to me that it was hot in here. its like i took a wide circle and punched myself in the face. * sigh *
you could put me in a lineup with charlie manson right now and he would look more lucid than i am.

I am 51 and live with my blind mother who is 71. She lost her eyesight when she was 30, she was never able to cope with her blindness because she refused to get help. To make matters worse she was very difficult before losing her eyesight. My father left her for another very young woman this only added to her growing problems. My father came back into the picture a few years ago but he had a new relationship, this drover her insane. She goes to a senior center three times a week but she has trouble making friends in this place because of her attitude. She is terrified of being alone, meaning I can't even take a shower or use the bathroom without her following me. I spend 7 days , 24 hours a day with her, I can't even go to the movies or for a walk by myself she even uses a bucket to urinate at night because she is afraid to go out of the room. My brother and my sister can deal with her for more than an hour before going crazy. I spoke to her doctor, but he said this is normal behavior for an eldery person. She refuses medication for depression and told the doctor she is happy. She made me look like a total idiot in front of him. She is always calling my father at his house to tell him how unhappy she is. My father is planning to leave for his country in Central America in July. This is making matters worse because she is always hopping she might win him back. I am losing my mind myself, I am now depress and feel hopeless, sometimes I which I move out and never see her again. I need to find a support group to help me cope with these feelings.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have lost my temper my mind is next. I have been caring for my mother for two years now...my mother has Parkinsons and she doesn't ever want to do anything. I feel as if I am her MAID/SLAVE I never in a million years would have thought I would feel this way. I am ANGRY all the time I cannot even function properly anymore @ work around my husband and child nothing. I can't even enjoy a day off because if I even step out of the house she starts blowing up my phone. I organize her pills DAILY and she messes them up on purpose. I don't GET IT. I don't know what to do anymore I feel like I am going into a depression and a really hateful stage in my life because I cannot stand it any more. I AM LOST....I have to find sanity again somehow.

Hi Everyone,
I just found this site and I can really relate to you all. My life has been centered around my 86 year old. mother. She has been living with me for over 20 years and my husband. My husband passed away 3 years ago and iI have a boyfrined now. she is so jealous of my boyfriend or any friend I want to spend time with. She loves to start arguments and say nasty things . I have found myself distancing away from her adn when I stay around her she just starts complaining about anything she can think of . I want to enjoy her company . I need to figure out waht to do. I dno't want to send her to a nursing home and yet I don't want to live lkie this anymore. I need more options.Tahnk you for letting me vent .

Talk to her doctor. He can help. That is how we got my Mom off the road before she hurt someone. Was not an easy thing to do as it was all my fault and on and on. The doctor can file something with the DMV to deny her driving privilege if she does not comply. Do not let her on the road! An old woman, just the other day, hit the gas instead of the break and the car went through an office window and killed the woman sitting at her desk. Bam...just like that. It needs to be done.

GodsGirl, PLEASE, do everything possible to get her off the road and keep her off! It is just a matter of time before she kills someone - please do not aid and abet in any way. If the house is yours, then why don't you get her out? You might read the post by Survived2 - she succeeded in doing just that and saved her family and everyone's sanity. If you have to evict, then do so. There is no where in the Bible where it says that ANYONE has the "right" to abuse ANYONE else. We have no such responsibility to our parents, despite what they may try to claim.

I cannot imagine allowing anyone in this condition drive. You must have awfully deep pockets and awesome insurance to take care of any lawsuits should she injure or God forbid, kill anyone. Every family in your city is at risk with this woman on the road. Her doctor should be contacted for a letter to have her license revoked. Or better yet, destroy her cars and just live with the idea you have made the streets safer for all the children and their parents she may come in contact with.