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I am her Uber 4 doctor's appointment, hair cuts, manicurist . Even helping her elderly friends with their shopping needs . Never ends and she never ever says thank you EVER !
I don't know why I keep on doing this to myself I bring her long time friends over for dinner parties once a month that she can stay connected ( she has mid-stage dementia ) cleaning up after her is in itself a full-time job. I've left behind my grown children ,my partner all to make her comfortable. Can't hold on much longer I need to look into Memory Care Facilities . I hang on because I did this to myself I am the eldest of a large family and have always been the responsible one taking care of others so I took this position naturally.
Boy oh boy I regret it now .
Does anybody have any experience with placing a parent in Memory Care ?
PS . She was not a very nice mother she was physically and mentally abusive throughout my childhood until I left home when I was 15 but I have a strong sense of loyalty and it's my nature to nurture.
I stayed in a hostel for nearly years and with friends until I get my own flat.
My mother is a very selfish woman and had always thought of herself my sister and I were always put on the back burner and not treated very good we would get battered and called names.
My gran was more of a mother but she is no longer here.
I've been with my partner for nearly 23 years and we have two children 19 and 11 my partner and I both work and my mum since my step dad got taking in to hospital two months ago had became very demanding telling me I have to take her up to the hospital when it suits her and if it wasn't she would fall out with me slam doors or hang up on me.
I don't particular like my mother but I have a good heart and wanted to help but everytime I do it gets flung back in my face it's being happening for years and I'm so sick of it recently I told her I wasn't well along with my younger son when she was expecting me to take her up to the hospital I do t drive so have to walk up to hers then she gets a taxi on that particular day I wasn't feeling up for it and said this her reply 'I don't feel too good myself Ive got a blister on my heel'she doesn't care about anyone apart from herself anyway I took her up offered after to take her shopping which she refused she went in her house got no thanks then slammed the door on me.
I was so angry I walked home and phoned her and told her that I won't be helping her again and to get someone else she became abusive said that I was a nasty B and how I only wanted her money I resent her saying that as i don't need her money she thinks cause she has some savings it's the be all and end all I ended swearing at her and hung up I've never swore at her ever until now I stopped taking her calls took her up some shopping and out it in her kitchen then left with pout speaking to her I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and the abuse has taking its toll and how I've a family to look after and work too she has tried to phone but after waking up during the night recently with a anxiety attack I dont want to speak to her my stomach is turned with her I had to go and see a counciller years ago because of the way she acted towards me phoning constantly being nasty and abusive com I got round to my house drunk spreading nasty rumours about me.
I am 50 and worn out she is 74 a but frailer but a nasty mind and tongue always been like this.
I feel guilty though that I'm not helping her cause that's the type of person I am but what do I do ? I am stressed to the hilt myself and anxious my sister said she would go down and see her but hasn't and my step brother lives in another country I just want my life back I never spoke to her for six years at one point u felt more free but in that time she still tried to contact me and be abusive when I wouldn't speak to her
She has never been a caring loving mother and after what she said to me the other day it's confirmed she will never change I don't want to be her carer either and I feel that's exactly been left my step dad who was never a good step dad won't be getting out of hospital and she is on her own but I feel I can't and don't want to be part of her life someone please help feel so down and depressed what do I do?
I've had contact through the years with my mother but she has caused trouble fell out with me and is very bitter.
Recently my step father has been admitted to hospital and because she is frail I've being taken her up in a taxi to see her and going shopping she has been very demanding that I drop everything and falls out with me if I can't manage at times to go up there other people that can visit too.
The other day she said she couldn't go up as she had a sore foot I offered to go up myself and see him which I have done before me and my step dad was never like a father just ignored me through my life my real dad left when I was 6 weeks old but I wouldn't wish illness on anyone and have a heart.
Anyway she didn't go to the hospital and neither did I because I said I would go the next day
She phone Phoned me this morning saying that she was going and if I could walk up and take her bins out for which I said I would do I said I would phone the hospital to go up earlier as I couldn't manage later as my teenage son was watching my young son and couldn't later so she went in a mood saying she wasn't going anymore because it wasn't suiting her then asked that I just go up which I said I would she then phone back saying that she would now go and demanded why I couldn't could go later I told her that I had my own life to and a young son which I already told her I had to be there for she then got quite abusive and said that'you couldn't go yesterday either'it was her that said she couldn't go because she had a sore foot.
She then told me to forget it and hung up the phone on me my hearts nearly coming out my chest with stress she is causing me it's her way or the high way and if she doesnt get want she want she falls out with me I've been nothing but good to her and she has been nasty to me all my life I've hoped that she would change but never does she has called me names threw things at me put me down calling me a bastard and how she should have left me with my dad I've had to see my doctor and a councillers because of the abuse I blame myself for keep going back but because the type of person I am I feel sorry for her because she is older and frailer but to this day she still becomes nasty and horrible I'm at the end of my tether I prayed that I could have been born with a caring father and mother but never had the only consolation that I had my gran and papa who were like a mother and father when their were here and miss them so much I've nobody to talk to apart from my partner who is understanding but not here all the time
Suppose your husband suddenly sprouts horns and cloven hooves and sends her packing. You say the fallout would be worse than it is now. But, surely, the fallout would be taking place in her nice facility, not in your home, and you wouldn't even be there to see it unless you chose to, which is kind of the whole point of the exercise. So how could it be worse?
Instead of which, your plan to deal more reasonably with your mother revolves around your not taking after her when the time comes by expecting similar sacrifices from your children. Well, of course I don't disagree about not burdening your children. I just don't see how that gets mother off your back now.
I love how your mother moves out of her house and gives it to your brother because he's down on his luck, but doesn't think that you should even have the option of enjoying your own house and your own retirement with your own husband without her squatting all over your life.
Don't suppose your husband would consider being the Bad Cop for you, would he?
Who is going to read them the book though?
The ones I care about have made everything ten times harder by resisting help;
not being able to ask for help; and not being forthcoming with any facts needed to help them. Then, it is a crisis. Or, you could call it a circus!
Nina, You are most likely NOT a horrible daughter or you wouldn't be posting here, worried about it, or seeking a solution. Hang on!
I think someone needs to write books on how to be a better care receiver. I see a lot of books on caregiving, but nada on care receiving. Some people can be very hard to help. We need to have a book for them to read so they can learn to not drive their kids crazy if they stay with them. My number 1 rule for care receiving parents would be to give the caregiver plenty of time and space for themselves. Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to be together all the time. Each person could still have their own life.
Neon,
you are an amazing person I think we have the same mother.
You all have earned your wings♡