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Kids will push and push the boundaries until they know they an annoy mom and dad enough to get what they want so they will quiet down or get their way. Maybe we should apply that theory here? Maybe some options of getting out for a while is the adult day care. I personally did not have to use it, but I hear many here do, and its great. That may permit you the time to go out with your friends that seem not to be around anymore.
You need to get creative and its very hard to do when you are overwhelmed because the overwhelmed leads to exhaustion and there are just too many effects of lack of sleep that I'm sure we can all relate to here.
As far as the dental visits, schedule hers too at the same time so she's in a room and you are, and you can find peace while getting your teeth done? Sound crazy? Did it for my dad... the hygienists just loved my father and his joking and they kept him occupied while I got myself attended to. I told them he had Alzheimer's so they kept an eye on him for me.
Another thing I got to thinking, and this is the evil part of my brain working... LOL If she has COPD and wheel chair bound, next time you go to your computer room.... lock the doors to the house (so she doesn't get out of the house), lock the room to your computer room, find some headphones, crank up the sound, and there's you time. If you lock the doors to rooms, will she really get into them being wheel chair bound? They also have those childproof handle covers that are material that goes around the door handle so the child can't get a grip and can't open the doors. This way she can just talk and wander through the house in her wheelchair but what can she do when you're locked inside your room tuned out? Just maybe???
As far as being on the phone, that is a behavior that needs to be rectified immediately. I would have a little "firm" discussion about that and make it clear that there will be consequences (ie. I will not take time with you or do ______ until you can give me time here). But you need to follow through with it.
Things said are sometimes easier than done, but I noticed one thing as a teacher in adult education.... adults revert back to their childish behaviors, and each of us is going to have to deal with that type of childish behavior now in adult form. It is much more challenging because of the independence, but it still needs to be addressed so that you can get some sanity and renewal as their caregiver.
We're all there and we get it. We're here for you. Hope this helped spark the creative flow of ideas.
I take care of my Mom who is 85 and has COPD. She's fulltime on oxygen and uses a wheelchair whenever we go somewhere. I'm here 24/7. She talks incessantly. I go to my computer and pretend I'm doing work just to have a moment alone. I have no friends, They stopped asking me to go to lunch, or out for dinner as I always had to bring Mom. My mother has a bad habit of belching really huge and doesn't say excuse me or anything. Then she would just fall asleep during a visit because she can't keep up with the conversation. Whenever I try to visit on the phone, she keeps coming into the room and acting very up tight and then begins to put that person down. I'm afraid one day they will hear her on the other end of the line.
My mom has lived with my husband and me for 81/2 years. We thought when our last daughter got married, that we would be able to do things and go places with no strings attached. Then comes mom. We have to have a sitter if we are able to get out. (not often enough) Mom is afraid to stay at home by herself even during the day so I have to take her to my dental or dr visits. I hardly get to visit my daughters and grandkids as she is so critical and loud and constantly telling them what they do wrong in her opinion.
I am worn our, my husband is frustrated with our lack of any privacy. My husband has health issues and would like to retire but won't because he doesn't want to be around her 24/7. I was diagnosed with Hep C four years ago and I get very tired and have to fight depression constantly. Yes, I'm on drugs for this and see a psycharist onec a month. We are trying to cope but it is almost too much for us. We've never had any family help and we have asked for it. Everyone works and my brothers wives don't get along with her and her criticisim.
Thanks for letting me get this out. Most people do not understand caretaking and have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't personally know anyone who takes care of parents or sick family so this site has really brought some peace of mind to me. To know that others feel at times they want to quit or guilty for feeling that way about their own Mom. Thanks again.
About 5 months ago I called my mom in assisted living. When she picked up the phone and I said "Hi" she tore into me with the following, "YOU S.O.B (edited for boards) how dare you..." she didn't get past that point before I just tore into her. Now mind you she's still mom and I love her, but no way is anyone going to talk to me like that. I let it fly, sadly with expletives, but told her that I busted my tail getting her a beautiful facility and how dare she complain when dad worked his whole life to provide for her even after his incapacities. I called her selfish and ungrateful and this was not going to continue, and I hung up.
Your husband is right, but again you have to find the line that you won't cross anymore. My mother pushed her luck so many times and cried wolf that I'm numb to it now. If there were really an emergency I can tell you it would be a much more difficult decision, but she's proven herself in the past, so how can I feel guilty of choices she made previously.
Sometimes you need to get firm and if you're at wits end you may not present that firmness well. Don't get upset over it.... but sure don't let him downgrade you when you are providing for both of them.... oh heck no!!
We support you and have stories abound of people who get through this everyday.... keep coming back... learn and grow! We're here for ya!
I have a question for you, and I'm not trying to be brash at all.... why did you have to answer the phone? Worse mom could do is keep trying to call. When someone I call (like my husband when he knows I'm ticked at him), I turn off my cell phone. He cools down and life can return to normal upon my return when I am ready to deal with him and the situation.
I don't know the history and it could be part of the "disease" or her full-fledged normal behavior. If its the disease, could you get her anti-anxiety pills before you leave to make it easier? If its her... you know she'll start when you get home so she can pick it up when you get home too.
You did NOT waste your time and money. It was a great step and one you should try to repeat one day. Maybe a suggestion... start small (with an hour) and deal with it in smaller portions then go for the big guns of seven hours (great price by the way).
Don't let your mother guilt you. Make the time again and do it weekly. Let her stew for a bit and throw a tantrum. Criminey, get ear plugs for when you walk in the door and look at her and smile and act like you're listening. Keep a bottle of aspirin near you at all times and when she starts, make sure they are handy. After dealing with my mom for so long (hence the blunt talk), I would just flat out ask "Perhaps you would like an aspirin, I thought you might be giving yourself a headache from complaining so."
Try try again! We're here for you!
5 1/2 years. good luck to all
Where we live, we don't have a support group or adult daycare. So, I feel pretty much trapped as you do.
I have two girls, aged 8 and 4. I get pretty short with them, too... especially on days that gran has had a bad day and has told me the same old thing 20 times. It gets very hard. I just try to remember that it is not my girls who have put me in the situation that I'm in. So I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. I can calm down enough to treat them as my precious angels.
I feel so sorry for you that your husband is not home to help. My husband is my saving grace.
I don't know if you or your husband has power of attorney over your in-laws (I don't), but I would use some of their money to hire an in-home caregiver to come in 3 days a week to give you a break. Unfortunately I cannot do that. I have no access to her money... that's my uncle (who hardly comes to see her at all... but that's another story).
Good luck. I hope you can get some relief.
My husband to helps me out because I lose track of days VERY EASILY, is that he takes all my bills and hands them to me before they are due that helps me not seem so crazed. There is nothing wrong with respite care either. Just because you volunteered to stay home does not mean that you don't need a break either. Maybe find something that allows you to take time with your son.
The important thing is do not panic and just walk away somewhere and breathe!! You will find we are all spent emotionally, but there is great advice on these boards. Never be afraid to ask for advice!!
I'll say you have your hands full!!! I found this on a earlier posting "respitelocator. org". I have been awarded a grant by my local Redwood Caregiver Resource Center it's not much but every little bit helps. The sooner you get some help the better off you will be. Awww your 3 year old...what a big change for him poor thing. I am taking care of my mother. She is 65 years old and bedbound. I have been taking care of her for 3 months 24/7 with very little help (worn out). I am looking for voluteers at a local church that's another resource. Do what you can to make sure your husband and son aren't neglected.
Get help asap!!!
Hang in there!
-Jaz