Life after the loss of your loved one...

Isn't odd. The way you are still listening for the little sounds that mean he needs help in his room.....or lost looking for the bathroom. The odd sound of his air concentrator. All the sounds in the night that aren't happening.

It's not grief, yet. This is my mind refusing to accept. The conscious part of me knows and grieves his passing, but down underneath I keep expecting that little sound.

I miss Mother being in the car with me.I used to reach over and pat her leg and tell her everything.After she left,I couldn't stand it,her not being with me,so I put a doll in the seat and pretended for awhile.Later,I put it on her grave.

FF - same here, except it was about 20 years ago for me. My youngest child is 18 now, and when I was pregnant for him, I was in the hospital more than I was home - appendicitis at 5 months that necessitated a risky surgery, then multiple post-op complications - not the least of which was pre-term labor, which put me on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. E-coli infections, pneumonia & pleurisy, bronchitis and the ever-present pre-term labor that kicked in every time I moved more than a few steps in a vertical position made for an interesting pregnancy. My parents drove over 650 miles to stay with us and help take care of the family while I was down and out. They made sure the kids got to school on time, got me to my appointments, took my MIL to appointments (she didn't drive) and made sure there was food in the house and meals prepped at all times. That all seems like a lifetime ago now.

About 10 years ago, Mom stopped bathing regularly - then stopped bathing completely. Dad's constant infections in his legs meant he couldn't bathe either, because his legs were always bandaged. So between neither of them bathing and Mom's incontinence (which she refused to wear any protective items for), the house smelled horrendous. No one wanted to come in here, so visits were few and far between. That's when it hit me that things were getting bad with them. We tried to get them to accept help from our local aging office in the form of a household helper and meals on wheels, but Mom refused, saying they didn't need help. It wasn't until I moved in when Dad became ill and died that Mom's situation improved - and only because I made it so. (Not tooting my horn, just stating facts.)

It just seems so long ago that they were able to make that trip to stay with me during my pregnancy - but in the big scheme of things, 20 years is just a drop in the bucket. :-(

Another thought.... a decade ago I never envisioned my parents getting elderly. In their late 80's and early 90's they were still walking 2 miles a day, rain or shine. Back then they still were on the road running from one grocery store to another. Dad spending hours in Home Depot. My parents were still filling paper lawn bags with raked leaves... I remember bringing out 15 bags they had filled over the weeks to the curb for pickup and that was last fall when they were 94 and 97.

It was when Dad stopped driving that it hit me, yikes my parents are aging. Then came the canes and the walker, the thick glasses and the hearing aids. And then me becoming their wheels for the past 7 years.

I never got to witness my grandparents age as we lived in different parts of the country. Come to think of it, I don't recall knowing anyone over the age of 70 as I was a young adult then into my 50's. Good grief, now I am 70 !!

I cleaned out my Step-Father's closet yesterday. He passed away over a year ago. It seemed to be easier to just close the door, Mom had her own room. Mom has been taking off her "pull-ups" (that's what my Grand-Daughter calls them) and hiding them everywhere. I thought getting the stuff out of his closet it would be easier for me to clearly see that there were no hidden treasures there. Well, I found a pull-up hidden in a sock.

I couldn't help but think of Bob as I was seeing if his clothes were good enough to donate to good will. He had gone through so much as did Mom through his numerous infections before passing.

Mom and my Step-Father literately had to leave their home with just the clothes on their backs, never to return to their home they had for lived in for 15 years in Florida. I think of that and it makes me so sad.

After an instance that caused them to leave, my brother convinced them both that they needed to get Bob medical care ( he had a stroke previously, no short term memory). It was just an excuse as they were checked into a Memory Care Unit that was in their community. Mom, who never wanted to ever be alone was happy that she could go with him, still thinking he was there for tests.

While my brother and I got together to find out the next step, my Step-Father contracted C-Diff in the Memory Care Unit. We decided I would fly down to Florida, get Mom and bring her home as they still had a home here that they visited twice a year, Bob would follow in a short time. The plan was that I would be taking care of both of them.

Well, it took 5 months for Bob to finally be cleared to travel home. He would go directly to rehab for 10 days as he wasn't able to leave his room for those 5 months and was weak. He came home from rehab with a few infections, including bladder and C-Diff again. Three days later he was back into the hospital, it was their 34th wedding anniversary. As we were waiting for a room at the hospital, I said, "Happy Anniversary." He was laying on a gurney, looked up at Mom and she "she was always the one." Which teared me up! He also stated he was in trouble by not buying her anything as she liked gifts.

He was in the hospital for about a week, then back to another rehab facility. We would visit him daily to assist in feeding him. Most days Mom didn't know who he was, she thought she was on a job interview and would say that she didn't think she was cut out for this, she couldn't do the job, or she would state he was someone from church, etc. He remained in rehab from July 2 - August 8, 2015, he died there.

I got a call from my Step-Father's son at mid-night that he had passed away of a heart attack. I couldn't stop crying. That news was so unexpected.

At the funeral they had a projection screen set up with both Mom and Bob's photos, all of their trips they took all over the world, honeymoon photos to Hawaii, along with photos of him and his grandchildren, whom he loved so much.

Mom couldn't understand why they were showing photos of her, she became upset in seeing Bob and her together, so I walked her outside. Mom did love the attention from everyone, but couldn't understand why she was getting so many hugs.

During the funeral, the minister was talking about their many trips to Europe, how much they meant to each other, etc. Mom turned to me and whispered, "I have got to get out of here, they are telling too many lies about me." I answered back, "Let's just sit here until it's over, we don't want to make a scene. It won't be very much longer."

Of course, after the funeral, the ushers told us to follow the casket out. Mom wanted to get out of there, so, she immediately got up but as we were walking down the aisle, she said, "I don't understand why I have to be the first one out." I whispered her that is was probably because she was the oldest one here. As my Grandma would of said, she high tailed it to the car.

She appreciated the chair at the cemetery, she didn't fuss too much.

She has asked where Bob was at times, my response was "It's a pretty day out, he would be taking a walk." He love to walk and did it daily. That would calm her.

A few weeks ago I sit her down and made a video. She could not remember her last name or the names of the two husbands she had, my Dad or my Step-Father. I guess her not remembering Bob's funeral is a good thing.

I think I cried enough for both of us for Bob, and still do as I did yesterday when going through his clothes to donate, and now as I type this, he was a wonderful man. I cry for both of them. I know I have another heartbreak, I grieve for my Mom everyday knowing I am losing her to Alzheimer's.

Bob, along with my Mom, walked out of their Florida home with only the clothes on their backs, never to return.

I didn't say goodbye to Dad. I thought there was still months or even a year left.
I realize that his final months were the happiest he had been in years. Knowing I made that possible give me comfort.

Mom is putting up a brave front, but I know this has hit her very hard. She had been unable to help him at all in these last months. Recovery from the stroke has taken most of her efforts, and was so busy with therapies during the day so he had very little interaction with Dad until the dinner hour. He was going to bed so early that it was little time.

The hydrocephalus was progressing fast. I think it is a good thing he didn't linger so long that he would have been on morphine.

He was happy and comfortable ... And surrounded by family. That is a comfort to me.

Thanks Ali.....I will have to figure something out.I should be taking care of the surgeries I need that I had to put off caring for Mom but I haven't faced that yet either.
I appreciate everything everyone has said.You all have helped me see that I am not alone in all this.Thank you...

I did that, too, lucky. I left all of my grandmother's hygiene needs in place and all of her gowns and PJs in her closet and drawers. It was months before I dealt with it. I still have all of her Rx bottles for things she needed before she died. It all sits on a shelf now, with a dozen files on her care. I don't feel like a nuth'n because I went straight from grandma to dad's care, and even without dad's care I wouldn't feel like a nuth'n. :-( You're a caring person. What about looking at using your caregiving experience for another person who needs it? Maybe it would be helpful for you? I don't know, my dear. I'm sorry. (((hugs)))

I should've said "Everythings the same and Nothing is the same since Mother left."

I feel like a nuth'n now that I'm no longer a caregiver.Being a caregiver made me feel useful and good about myself and now I have to find a whole new purpose.I think it's harder too because I'm still surrounded by Mother's belongings everywhere I look which makes for constant memories which is good and bad..It's been 9 months now and I still haven't even gotten rid of Mother's old medicine and diapers,Hospice book,noth'in....everything is just the same,just no Mother....

still in a bubble that is getting smaller- People are not who you think they are because the only reference you have is yourself.
I have always not been trusting but thought I could trust family, no more- no one.
My dad passed in june, but for me he is still in the NH doing very well.... this way I do not have to "miss" him... he is still there joking.

My mom passed away 26 days ago. I spent a good part of the last few years being angry at her - for things she could control and later for things she couldn't. I found myself dredging up years of past hurt and dwelling on it - things I'd long since put behind me. But when I was with her - especially in the last ten months, I never let it show - she had become so frail - I just wanted to make her to feel better when I was with her. Because - in spite of our complex relationship I knew I always loved my mother and I hard enormous respect for her - she lived an extraordinary life. I think now - my anger was my sheild- it kept me from the overwhelming sadness of seeing this smart, vibrant, independent woman turn into a shadow of her former self. So how to move on - live life without the woman who, along with my dad was the largest influence in my life - made me who I am? Tonight I painted my toenails for the first time in over two years - purple - moms favorite color. She would have like that.

zytrhr.....So many days after Mom left,I stared in space all day,day after day and then I began trudging through the necessary chores.Some days it's taken everything Iv'e got in me to keep going.I know I'll never get over the loss of Mother.I'm just trying to see what others are doing to cope.And Susan,Thank you for your story too,and I'm sorry for all you've been through.

Susan... thank you for sharing your story. It's strangely helpful to me to remember that others understand that "Stockholm Syndrome" thing that abused kids, or kids in dysfunctional families, deal with.

I think you're spot on in taking all the time you want to "settle in" for as long as you want. I wish you much peace and happiness... and love with someone else if and when you want that.

i have two heroin junky nephews , thats why i say ; there will be more tragedy ..

thats one messed up story susan . ( the perverted abuse ) .
in this day and age , fortunately , your dad would have been vanquished from society and ( imo ) rightfully so .
strangely , for me , being orphaned strikes me as a very real natural order of things . the fact that ive become the family elder to many nephews,etc , etc , etc , just to keep this simple . that fact and the serious obligations that are implied , somewhat distract me from the loss of my elders .
it iz what it iz and family tragedies will go on .
i have to look like i have an iota of sense .
jakes newborn is probably going to be legit . i have guts with intuition also .
jake would want that boy to be influenced by grandpa because he knows the mother and current nuclear family is not conducive to even basic human dignity .

Lost Dad 3.5 years ago and I moved in to care for Mom 6 months before he died. He lingered, in and out of the hospitals, specialty care units, ICU, on life support, back to life again, back on life support, back off, back to the nursing home, on dialysis every other day for 5 hours....finally succumbed to multiple antibiotic-resistant infections that took his system down. It was a slow, painful death.

Mom passed away on July 28th of this year, after collapsing and going unresponsive at the NH. Obviously she wasn't extremely healthy - she was in a NH, after all - but she had actually been doing better just before that. The day before she died, she went out on the patio at the NH and enjoyed a picnic lunch they served while listening to local musicians. I visited her that night and she was in good spirits. The next morning, I got the call that she had fallen and was unresponsive, so I assumed the fall caused some sort of injury. Turns out she was sitting on the edge of her bed and simply collapsed to the floor. I suspect she was actually gone before she hit the floor - at least I hope so. The horrible facial / head injuries she sustained in the fall...I hope she didn't feel any of that pain.

Many people here already know most of my story, so they understand what a complicated mess of emotions this has been for me. Dad sexually abused all of us kids from birth. Mom didn't know until I told her when I was 10 years old - then she did what most women wouldn't - she made us get family counseling and stay together as a family and pretend we still had this typical American family thing going on - we were made to spend time with Dad and act like we loved him as much as we ever could have. So the effect was similar to Stockholm Syndrome - where the victim begins to form an affection for or identification with the perpetrator. We can all genuinely say we still love Dad, and that we've forgiven him for what he did, but that doesn't mean we'll ever forget. We did what we had to in order to get through until he died. The abuse stopped after I told Mom about it - but the affect on our lives will never end. I can honestly say, yes, I was sad when Dad died - but losing Mom was far worse. She made us stay with our abuser and made us make believe everything was status quo, nothing had changed and we were all just hunky-dory and one big happy family, which was kind of a form of abuse in and of itself - but I still loved her with a daughter's love.

I've had good days and bad since Mom's death. The first week was pretty awful. I cried a LOT, and it seemed just little things would set me off. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and even that was hard to deal with - I cried off and on all morning. Mom always made a big deal out of our birthdays, and all I could think was that she wasn't there to do that. My daughter was the only one of my kids that remembered my birthday, and she tried to remind my sons. One called - but only because my daughter reminded him - the other maintained his silence and I didn't hear from him. A well-meaning friend told me she understood how bittersweet this birthday must be, but to remember that I was the living legacy of my parents - and THAT really set me off. Living legacy. OMG. Another friend, apparently completely unaware how hard this could hit someone who just lost their last parent, said, "It sucks to be an orphan, doesn't it?" Then there was the friend who called 2 weeks after Mom died and wanted me to move in and care for her mother (my mom's lifelong best friend) at a rate of $500 per month. I said no immediately, despite her urging that I "think it over for a few days". Not to be put off, she called me back again a week later and wanted me to meet some guy she worked with - that he was "ready to date again". OMG - leave me alone!! Stop trying to fix me!
I can safely say I'm doing better with things most of the time, but I'll be totally honest, I'd really like to be alone and be able to focus on myself now. I don't want anyone trying to fix what's "wrong" with me right now - only time will do that.

FF and luckylu So sorry for your losses.

luckylu to answer your question, you don't ever get over the loss, especially if you had great loving parents. You accept, eventually, what has happened and try to live life the best you can. Holidays can be hard, if you observe them, other than that, it's just existing.

Dad laid down for a nap and his heart blew up.They said that even if the paramedics were standing over him,they couldn't have saved him.I never got to say goodbye.Mother lingered for over 3 years on Hospice alone before she left.Now ,I think there is no good way,fast or slow.

Poor FF I feel for you. Funny but when Mom died I was in such a state of disbelief, that to be honest, I was so numb that I couldn't even grieve. Like you Frequent Flyer my Mom was very much in denial about her age and her limitations. She had always tried to be so strong after my Dad died 50 years previous that she never let herself appear weak.

I think maybe I allowed myself to believe that she would last forever cause she did such a good job of convincing everyone that she was good. When she finally succumbed to her age and her frail little body, she was gone a week later.

I find myself storing her in the back of my mind cause to think about her and remember is just too hard. I miss her so terribly that it hurts.I wonder if it will ever not hurt. To say how I am coping is basically that. Not thinking about it too much.
Which I guess that isn't coping at all is it?

Stacey...Thank you for everything you've said,especially about your family still being a "recognizable"piece of your parents.You know all the nursing stuff,so you are probably right about your Mother and I'd be pissed off too!But I guess the big guy upstairs has a plan and it's in His Perfect Timing.I'm sorry you lost them.It's SO hard to not have ANY parents at all anymore.We lost Dad 24 years ago,so it was just my Mom,my husband and I all those years here together and now it's just my husband and I....and just that is a huge adjustment.I am finding that a routine helps me and I still attend a grief support group once a month....It really bothers me that Iv'e lost my energy like I used to have and I wonder if I'll ever get it back.

My Mom had passed back in December and I believe I got over her passing pretty fast as I was mourning her loss before she even died. Mom lost almost all of her hearing and she was legally blind, thus communications was very difficult. And boy was she stubborn, her death was a result of a serious brain injury due to a fall in my parent's home where they lived by themselves being in their mid-to-late 90's.... Mom had refused to use a walker. Mom refused caregivers. Thus I probably was angry at her denial of her age and ability. And for putting me through unbelievable amount of stress.

Now my Dad passed last week, a death that we didn't see coming... aspirating pneumonia. That was a shock as Dad was doing so well living in Memory Care, and having his favorite two professional caregivers around to fuss over him. His passing is still too new for me. I will miss our telephone calls and his weather reports [hobby], and his punster type humor. He kept his sense of humor up until the final couple of days. He was a wonderful, kind, gentle soul. Everyone loved him. This lost isn't going to be easy :(

Luckylu, I agree that life after losing our Loved ones is very difficult! I lost both of my parents when I was in my early 40's and it was extremely hard, I had finally gotten past the time where I needed their respective wisdom, in raising my kids to adulthood, and gotten to point of really enjoy just being their friend and being able to give back and help them with some of the day to day, as they had helped me so much! It was only in the previous 7 or so years, that we were able to take several trip together without kids, and before my Dads illness began limiting his ability to travel, and I lost them both only 14 months apart, when they were only 74 and 76, and I was 44 then, and I'm now 46.

I don't know that I am over it really, as right smack in the middle of losing my parents, I lost my MIL too, which brought my FIL to move into our home, and I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of dealing with old people, and I also went straight to helping my kids and one sister with their dificult grieving issues, that I don't know if I properly took the time to handle my own very well.

I guess what has helped me the most is my family, as they all hold a recognizable piece of my parents, it's like they are still here in some way, that and that as a family, we continue to share stories of when Mom and Dad were alive, and memorializing them helps to keep them in the foreground, instead of the past.

I just mentioned on here elsewhere, that I feel robbed, that my parents were too young and still so full of life! I don't understand why they had to die so young. Somehow they both ended up with life ending diseases, and it doesn't make sense. Sometimes You just never know.

I often play the what it game, which is Not healthy. My Mom died from Uterine Cancer, but ten years before her diagnosis and Cancer treatment, at about age 63, she had had some post menopausal bleeding that took her to the Dr. They did an uterine D&C, and her Dr Told us that she stopped counting polyps at 100! This has haunted me for many years, as WHY, if My Mom had had a Hysterectomy then, she might well be alive today, probable in fact, as she never took hormones or smoked! Why ever didn't we know enough to insist that more be done! How is it normal to not follow someone more closely, who had more than 100 Uterine polyps? Weren't there biopsies done? My Mom went to the same Dr, the same Medical Cooperative for all that time, yet was never told to do further follow up. I went to the majority of my Mom's Dr's appointments with her, and I never heard it mentioned. It pisses me off quite frankly, because she shouldn't have died, not from that! But we can't have what is done, but it's hard not to think "if only"... So I try to be content in my memories of them mostly, and that gets me through.

Luckylu, You are surviving, evident in you reaching out to help others. Best of everything to you! {{{{{{ H U G S }}}}}} ! ! !