I have so much anger and impatience dealing with my mother's dementia. I need help.

I so know what you are going through! My father passed away in 2010 and my mom was always very dependent on him and now depends on me for everything. Her dementia got pretty bad in 2012 and also became extremely depressed. She doesn't want strangers in her home so getting outside help or respite will be difficult. I have 3 brothers who haven't shown any interest in offering any help. This is extremely difficult for me because I also have a diagnosis of major depression. My mom can be so mean to me sometimes and I know she doesn't mean to be but it doesn't lessen the pain.

BarbaraHelen,
As I see it, you need to put your priorities in order. Your first responsibility is to your mate, then your children, then your mother. It sounds like you are taking on too much. You need to cut back and you need to include yourself in the care.
You're going to burn out soon with so much work. It's a common thing to "snap". I did when I spanked my mother's fingertips after she threw a sandwich at me. Poor dear, she's just about 95 and going into stage 7 Alzheimer's but I'd had it that day and "lost it". That's when I knew she could no longer live with us. (She was cursing and hitting my husband also plus many other reasons.

Don't get to the point (if you're not there already) of falling apart. Have you checked into Assisted Living for your Mom? You must do something for yourself soon. Please take a break, then explore options to change your situation.

Barbara, I think that when you feel like this, you owe it to yourself and to mom to take a step back.

1. What are her needs?

2. What are her resources?

HER resources, not yours, should be paying for her care. Does she have Medicaid? Have you applied for her? Have you explored, with your local Area Agency on Aging what help she is entitled to?

If you crash and burn, who will there be to take care of your mom?

I hope that this doesn't come across as harsh, but rather as a loving hand reached out across the distance. Happy Thanksgiving!!

I am so worn out with my Mother .....I'm at the end and on my knees metaphorically speaking. I'm too tired to type, I'm trying to run my own home, look after my Mother who lives just 100 yards away, help with my three granddaughters who live 150 yards away, help with my son who has mental health difficulties ...there's not much more I can take. Sometimes all it needs is to write on a forum like this to help wind down a bit. Very sorry for moaning, we're all in the same boat on here and I send love to you all coping with the nightmare of Alzheimers (my Mother has vascula dementia as well) ....help isn't forthcoming from anywhere, well ....it is, at a price.

Oh Angel I sent you a hug the other day. I was hoping things were going better for you. Sorry about your husband. Looks like I gave Sue a hug on her page too. Everybody needs one!😃

SueC1957
Effecting my marriage as well. My husband is now having medical issues, possibly heart related. Much guilt thinking of placing her.

Polarbear,
Contact Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) and apply for benefits for her. You will have to prove her income and bank account but, if she's within the range (under $2000. in the bank), she will get assistance. They will take her Social Security check to help pay for her custodial care.
Medicare and Social Security don't cover assisted living or memory care (any "custodial" care). They would cover medically needed care for a certain period of time.
You may not be able to choose which facility she would live in.

It sounds like you and your mother may be ready for her to be in assisted living. Bless your husband and you for taking on this responsibility. It is a very loving thing to do. It doesn't mean you don't love her if you get her more care. It is absolutely the opposite. Sounds like she is pretty expensive to have in your home so may not be to much more expensive to find her a suitable place. Then you will have distance and can enjoy her. All of you may benefit from the space from each other. I hope all works out. If you are always running on empty there isn't much left to give. You have to have time for yourself and that is okay. God Bless

Hi SueC1957,
I am glad for you that you got your life back. I am dealing with my 81 y.o. mother who has Alzheimer. It is so hard. I am so stressed and so are my kids. I wanted to scream at her many times. Her memory is worse by the day. I don't know if I could take care of her till the end. I would like to know how you go about finfing a care facility for people with Alzheimer. My mother only receives social security. She doesn't have any money, and I don't have much. How much does it cost? Any information is greatly appreciated.

Angelmommy57,
I'm right with you. It was WAY more than we thought. The anger, demands and confusion (repeating things hundreds of times a day), not to mention the physical work of picking her up, bathing her, feeding her and helping her walk just got to be too much for us "old folks". We caved in after 2 months. It's really not a livable situation. (I swear her dementia got much worse after moving in with us.)

We placed her in another memory care facility, much closer to us, on Friday. I am so sad and guilty but immensely relieved also. The home situation was beginning to affect my relationship with my husband because of my mother. Not worth bad feelings with the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I spent today returning the house to its "pre-dementia" state.

We will visit her for the first time tomorrow. I hope she's "settled in".

Gosh this isn't easy.

Cmagnum
I am currently researching places. Thank you. 😊

Angelmommy,

I think you need to look up the articles on this site to educate yourself as to what to expect concerning your mother's alzheimer's / dementia. It is going to get much worse and it already sounds like she is way beyond the ability of any one person to take care of her. Please find her a place where she can be safe and cared for.

I'm so behind on my sleep. Mom is now getting up several times thru the night, rummaging thru her room, wandering the house, getting fully dressed, coming in my room and waking me up, knocking on closed doors. This is way more than we expected.

Jesse , Hawaii sounds amazing! Lol

OH YEAH!
🏄🏻🌊 🌴 🍸😜🍸😀 🌴 ☀️

SueC, vent away! We hear you. We all want to be sweet angels, but it can still get to us after a year or two or three... I don't know how we keep being sweet and respectful all the time, but wonder how it ever got to be so bad. You sound as efficient as a nurse and a CNA together. I know your husband makes it easier. It is so hard to live under such stress. I think we all need to meet in Hawaii and sit around sipping margaritas.

I sure can relate to anger and frustration. I start the day off OK but, by 5pm, I'm fried.
If I hear one more time, "There's itching powder in my hair, clothes, bed, etc., I think I'll scream. Same with, "I have a terrible headache", "Where's Lorraine?" (her sister but often confused for her daughter) and "I just want to die." I've tried to ignore the incessant questions and griping by turning off my hearing and not responding.

It hurts to hear that she believes that her daughter (me) hates her but she doesn't like her either. Actually, she believes that everyone hates her and many have physically harmed her. Most of the "perpetrators" have hit her over the head with a baseball bat! Good Lord! One used a hammer and broke her hand (She fell at the memory care facility and broke her wrist.)

She is in stage 6 but it has been vastly different than I thought it would be. I was hoping for a happy, confused little old lady, jabbering and picking at things. Oh no, I got a screaming, angry, combative woman with a bad attitude and a bad outlook on everything. It's easy for her order us around, demanding what she wants and wanting it "right now". I have to explain that I'm doing something else for her and I'll get to her next request as soon as I can. She's very hard of hearing so it must be said in a loud voice. That part drives hubby mad. Aaaahhhh!

My best efforts to keep her awake during the day fail and she falls asleep on the couch after dinner. When I wake her to go to bed, you'd think she remain sleepy and just close her eyes in her bed. Not! We had to hire a night time c/g (4 nights a week) so we can get some sleep. Her agitation goes into hyperdrive and then she's screaming. I've had to put my hand over her mouth so the neighbors don't think we're killing her. She gets Ativan at night. I didn't really want to give the Seroquel due to not being recommended for the demented elderly but I have to. She gets so wound up and we all need to get some rest.

Unfortunately, she is unable to do anything except brush her teeth (with help). I have to steer her walker and have my arms under hers for unsteadiness. I've taken over cleaning her after bathroom usage due to having a UTI. I'm sure she caused it from poor hygiene.
She will eat 4 bites then "forget" to eat the rest, so I feed her. She can't assist with any portion of bathing, so 3 times a week, hubby and I get her in the shower and I wash everything. It's like having a huge newborn. She can't bend to sit down and can't stand up without maximum assist. She can't dress herself and does a poor job of brushing her hair. She can't read or watch TV due to hearing and concentration. I wish there was something I could have her do that would occupy her, keep her awake and be something she would enjoy, (if she's able to enjoy anything).

I dream of bedtime (4 nights a week) to escape this drudgery and mind numbing job. I don't begrudge her the care but the incessant questions would try the patience of Job. I awaken to another day of the same. There are no "sweet moments" with us. I wish I could change my attitude. Fortunately hubby works from home and is available at any time.

If only things were different. :(
Thanks for letting me gripe.

I don't know any answers but I am laughing with a few tears too at these posts. My mommy wraps everything in Kleenex in her purse! Yes, the remote has been a phone also! Today I gave her big bubble wrap to pop down at our retail store! Yes I love her so much but she does does drive me crazy. I always feel better when I know I'm not alone here. Sundowners is better with meds now. I too wish I had the patience of Job! Thanks everyone for your stories.

Crams,
My local library has a Senior Guide that lists everything that a senior could want or need. Housing listings, assisted living, memory care, caregivers, Meals on Wheels and other food needs, day care for seniors, etc. Maybe you could get a booklet at your local library.
Would she financially qualify for Medicaid? Do you belong to a church that could send a couple of volunteers during the week to be with her? What does her family doctor say? Maybe he would have some suggestions.

Dear, you sound like you are stretched way too thin, with your mother and 2 granddaughters. You need to give up some responsibilities. Sounds like your mother would and should be the first to go. Nothing wrong with that. You are only one person taking on the weight of the world. Maybe a social worker at the health insurance company or local hospital would have some suggestions. Don't hesitate to call them.
Good luck and God bless you for taking on such responsibility.

Cyrams, does she have finances so you can get help? I have Home Instead gal coming 4 hours a day now twice a week just to give me breaks. Prayers for you.

Oh Lord Jesus I pray for just some type of help with my patients and understanding of my mother's dementia I'm at the point of breaking so many days I just feel like quitting the meanness the anger the abuse mentally emotionally physically that her dementia Enders on me is so brutal, I have searched and searched for places that can help but I get no answers I'm a grandma to two young grandchildren I am raising so I have to work 5 days a week full time which by the time I get home at 5 p.m. My mom's already starting to hit her Sundowners Sundowners

Cdnreader: yes I have, it would make life easier, I'm just not there yet emotionally. She panics when I'm not around, so I'm afraid it would make her worse. I just have fear about doing it too soon. 😕

Dear Angelmommy57,

Sorry to hear about everything you are going through. Have you considered moving your mother into a nursing home or memory care facility?

I know you are doing everything you can, but its so hard.

CTTN55: I have 2 older sisters, one is in town but has her own issues with her kids, the oldest doesn't live here and never wanted any responsibility. My brother is in Oregon and rents a small home. .no room for mom. Mom had a  4 bedroom house near me that I packed on my own and sold in June. She is also a wanderer,  we added bottom locks to the front door and garage, but she discovered them.  As of this morning, my husband changed the 2 door knobs so I now have a wrist key that I wear so I can unlock to check mail etc. It's inconvenient but now I don't have to worry about her bolting out the door when I run to the bathroom. 

Wow, Angelmommy57. Where was your mother living before you moved her in last November? Do you have any siblings?
Is there no other option for her other than living in your home?

I have had my 80 year old mom since Nov 2016. My mom steals the house phone and wraps it in kleenex and hides it in her purse along with the TV remote that she doesn't know how to use, and thinks it's a phone too. She is very nosey, hiding behind doors and in the hallway to hear conversations, sneaking around, hiding food and our mail under her pillow or mattress. If I need or want to have a private conversation I have to go in my closet and close the door. She now thinks my house is one she bought, therefore moves my stuff and gets angry that my husband and I moved in and took over. I'm finding that my patience is wearing very thin and I feel guilty when I get upset with her. Her bathroom habits keep me very busy.  She wipes herself but then puts the tp in the trash and lately the poop too, which then leaves residue on the toilet. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

People here know how you feel. I think of Job in the Bible and think how patient he was and think, "Yeah, but he didn't have to take care of someone with dementia." I think Job might have even been angry.

I wish I could be perfect and patient, but honestly I don't think people weren't built for this type of long-term hardship.

I found this post and signed up because I can relate so much. My husband and I live with my mother and father. Mom is 82 and had dementia (moderate).

Most days, I feel like I'm going to go mad with the tapping, weird noises, non-stop talking, refusals to wash her hands, the same questions over and over and over...

Then afterwards, I feel so guilty because I know she doesn't mean to annoy or hurt me; she's sick. I feel so bad that I desire to get away from her so badly... I know I'll want this time back when she's gone... And yet I can't deny she still drives me crazy.

I have an 'emergency list 'of things to distract her with: funny cat videos on YouTube, putting on a show she likes, asking her to hand me simple things, giving her bubble wrap to pop (if I can tolerate the sound), putting on some of her favorite music, playing hangman - just some examples. But it still wears me out and I have my own disability struggles with mental illness (depression and anxiety) AND we're renovating to move into a smaller, more affordable house... So her behavior is getting more intense and my stress levels are beyond what I thought I could ever survive. 

I don't want to be so angry and lacking in compassion... :(  and this is very very hard. You're not alone. 

LizzyLost, you sound so normal to me. Even the sweetest person can be tested when dealing with parents with dementia. It takes a lot out of people, both the people who have it and their families. We suffer along with them. It makes me long for the old days when people did not go through this very often. I hope that the treatments for Alzheimer's that are being developed work so that people won't have to go through this in the future.

Both my parents have dementia but my mum is much worse than Dad,they are still living independently or that's what they think they are doing...
I was so close to Mum and we shared everything and did everything together, I miss her so much. I'm hating myself right now because I hate this horrible woman who has taken my sweet Mumma, all she does is argue and snipe at me when I try to do anything. I am their main caregiver which I don't mind but my feelings of anger at them and self loathing of me is making my life awful. I still have other family commitments with grandchildren and children and a constant houseful of people. Please someone tell me I'm normal, I can be so mean