I'm caring for my parents, but childhood wounds are still there.

What would you say to a beloved child or friend in your position?

Both of my parents and sister have personality disorders and my dad and both siblings are alcoholic. My parents and sister lie, cheat and are cruel just for the fun of it. I'd go to the ends of the earth for a mediocre parent, or for one who’d apologize, but mine will not.

I believe that we get our due in this life, and won’t interfere with the laws of nature by rescuing my abusive parents at the expense of my own battered hide. My siblings, the favorites, disappear when my mother is sick or hurt. After I step in to help she denies that I was of any use at all. I told her that she’s on her own from here on out and that karma’s gonna get her.

The admonition to “honor thy parents” (no matter what) has been passed down through the ages by and for the benefit of parents. We rarely hear the biblical warning not to aggravate our children.

Please put your own life first from now on—no one else has or will.

Hi GingerMay - I hear you/feel you! But you are lucky your parents at least paid for your college. Mine sent me off - or rather I left - without a dime. I got my own apt. and started working at 18. But I have given so much to my mom and it's a tiring road. This weekend I started having "dark thoughts" - not wanting to even be here if this is what my life is now. I'm overwhelmed and praying for some guidance from above. And I just booked a couple of days away to one of my favorite places - but now the weather looks terrible and I had to cancel...really universe? Can a girl get a much needed break!? hang in there - but my mom is back living with me and I'm wanting this tour of duty to end and she can go to AL. She's not a pleasant person most of the time - very hard to please. Yes it's exhausting!

Addendum to previous - every one of us has "wounds" from our childhood, mostly in the emotional realm. Those will never disappear. Accept them - and move on.

As a previous poster said: "look after their needs, not necessarily their wants."
It is NOT your responsibility to care for your elderly parents - only to see that they are "cared for" - which is part of being an family advocate.

Establish boundaries NOW before things get worse. You have a right to your own life.

Decide what you are willing to do out of the goodness of your heart. Scratch the rest. There are senior communities, assisted living places, social services that can help them. Be their daughter but not their slave.

Are you doing this for them in hopes of getting the love and approval that you never got before? Sorry, but you wont.

My husband is facing this with his own parents.  FIL passed a few months back & MIL is expecting to still be catered to. She has always been the leader of the trash-talking family pack, usually against my husband, me, or our children. FIL “allowed it” & never once stood up to her, even when the allegations were so far fetched they were laughable.  My husband talks about how he never felt protected from the physical or emotional abuse.  

It stopped during the 10 years my FIL was retired, because he catered to her every need and whim.  During that time we did everything we could to help them as they aged.  His siblings not so much — because they were “too busy”.  Well, we all are busy.  Now with FIL gone, the trash talking has come back full force, which actually makes it easier to only assist with absolute necessities.   What my husband deems as necessities and on HIS terms.  Sandy, none of what he does is out of love — it is purely out of obligation.

Let the favored, darling daughters bear the majority of her care. After all, they benefitted both financially and emotionally all their lives — from free before/after school child care all the way to a $50k “gift” for a down payment of a house the divorced daughters now share. As far as my husband is concerned, the bill is now coming due. I’m sure they don’t feel the same way, but oh well.

Someone on here said a long time ago “look after their needs, not necessarily their wants”.  This statement helped clarify a lot for us.  And as has been said on here many many times & in many many threads — BOUNDARIES!  Set them and stick to them.  In my husband’s case, that means what he will or won’t do & what he won’t or will put up with.  Again, out of obligation; none of it out of love.  

I'm in a similar situation. My mother was a horrible person her whole life, particularly to me. She always favored my younger sister and wasn't shy about letting me know it. After 50+ years of outright cruelty and abuse, I finally walked away for about 10 years. When she started getting sick she suddenly wanted to see me again. Really because of my faith only, I agree to see her. If it weren't for my faith, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with her or anyone who is so mean and cruel.

She's 87 now and still living in her house as she refuses to leave. My sister lives nearby and goes there every day or so. I guess the situation will continue until she falls or something else bad happens. I haven't seen her for about a year, when she accused me of stealing things from her and threatening her, all kinds of horrible things. I feel bad about it and wish it were different, but I've accepted that this is the way it is and at least in this lifetime, it's not going to be different. I've talked to my sister 2x in the last year.

I know this isn't very helpful, but wanted you to know many people share your experience.

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. Sounds to me like your parents did the best they could but had some emotional troubles of their own that impacted their parenting. My own father has paranoid personality disorder and in many ways was a manipulative and controlling bully. He was also an involved mentor who had the guts and drive to pull himself out of the gutter he was raised in and build a better life for himself and his family. He's the man I most admire and the gage I use to measure all men, but he left emotional scars on all his children. When I developed a understanding of what his childhood was like and how it had shaped him, it helped me understand that in many ways he could not help some of his behavior. The world was not fair to my dad and his hurtful actions were not fair to me. Like you, I also had anger toward the other parent who didn't step in to defend me. I wrote letters I never sent where I detailed all the unfair hurts of my childhood and then I burned them and let my anger go up with the flames. I forgave them and releasing that anger freed me to live my life without a chip on my shoulder.

You have a right to live your own life. Legally you have no obligation to help your parents in any way. Personally, I believe children have a responsibility to be an advocate for aging parents. Being an advocate means as they become less capable of handling the details of daily life, you step up to help them. That can mean finding a lawn service, helping with shopping, assisting in minor home repairs or aging modifications (like grab bars), finding in home housekeeping and daily living care, searching for senior apartments or assisted living/memory care options, helping them with Medicare/Medicaid issues, working with social workers to find options for their care. I do not think a child has a responsibility to provide "care" that significantly compromises their own life - either financially, physically, or emotionally. I have chosen to bring one parent into my home and to place one parent in assisted living. I feel a responsibility to make sure they have a good quality of life - a comfortable home with good food, medicines, and socialization - a chance to enjoy at least moments in their days. I acknowledge that I cannot deal with my father's dementia fueled obstinacy and verbal abuse; that he is more cooperative and less abusive to strangers and has a better life in assisted living than family could provide.

You will need to make the decision for yourself on where you draw your own line - what support you can provide for your parents without significantly compromising your life and/or what level of compromise you are willing to make/tolerate. The major transition point for me was when supporting my parents went from something I could do on my schedule to the "on-call" demand. As long as I could load the medicine boxes or take mom grocery shopping on a more or less scheduled basis, I helped them stay in their home. When I started getting multiple "I need help NOW" calls to deal with minor emergencies they could not handle, I realized the time had come to help make other arrangements because I would not always to able to answer those cries for help and there needed to be someone around who could.

GM, I have similar feelings with my mom (only child, single parent). I stick with the phrase “make sure she’s okay and has what she needs,” so I get everything possible arranged for her, let her pay for it, etc., and I look in to see if anything’s gotten out of hand. You can look out for their welfare without doing the things. Start with some of the services mentioned above. Humbly, I cast another vote for some counseling, no one in your family has looked out for your feelings so enlist a professional who will. Your insurance will likely support it, with a small copay... Build a relationship and support that is only yours. Good luck. 🌷

Despite feeling very empathetic towards you, and, in fact, having had a childhood that mirrored yours in what amounts to similar abuse, at 81 years of age, I have come to terms with the fact that the commandment to "honor father and mother" does not come with an asterisk. I cared for them as doing it unto the Lord. It was not easy but it was satisfying afterwards...

God bless you,

Grace + Peace,

Bob

You have to sacrifice your life to be a caregiver and it gets far, far worse because sitters are too expensive you will have to quit your job which will impact your future retirement. If you feel any kind of resentment -- you better exit now--put them in a home, and that's that. Are you willing to clean them after they soil themselves? Can you do that? Bathe your own parents? Put up with resistance and falls (no matter how you try to prevent them, they still happen). And finally spend countless THOUSANDS of dollars of YOUR OWN MONEY? Diapers alone are about 50-cents a piece and you change them a few times a day runs into some serious money -- GLOVES cost $10 for 50 pairs and you absolutely have to have them. Incontinence supplies -- baby wipes, ointments, doctor appointments...and it goes on and on and on. If you feel resentful now you just wait what the future holds for you. In other words, you have not seen anything yet. My Obamacare is $700 a month for a single person with a $7,000 deductible (very close to that) and caring for my mom is eating me up alive. You have to really really really love your parent to be a caregiver and be willing to give up your life, future retire -- and sanity--for them.  I don't regret caring for my mom. I love her very very much..but it is at great cost to me. But I would not have it any other way. You have to realize what sacrifices you must be *willing* to do. You also need your friends sometimes to help you out to watch her while you do some duties--if you don't have friends or family to help,  you will suffer even more. 

Your question was "do I have to"? No you don’t. Period. Is there a reason your parents can’t move to a retirement facility? As long as you do things, the more they expect it and also they will not know the impact on your life.
You can decide what is and is not acceptable. Did you know you actually have a right as to do that? You sound intelligent and do not let a sense of obligation steer your decisions. You can be "responsible to but not responsible for your parents. What that means for you is a personal decision.
I agree with involving your sister. Do you have POA...medical and financial?
There is a great book I’d like to suggest on dealing with difficult parents like yours...it’s a quick read but valuable called Loving Hard to Love Parents by a psychologist Paul Chafetz. On Amazon.
There are options: having meals on wheels, or food delivery service, grocery delivery, lawn care by a company etc. or MOVING .
It’s best done before things get worse. Let us know what your plan is when you’ve thought it out. Maybe seeing a therapist to help sort your feelings would be helpful.

Your pain from your childhood sounds terrible. No wonder you feel the way you do. But, even if you didn't have that history, doing an unreasonable amount of work to keep your parents in their home, might be unacceptable. Some people stretch themselves really thin trying to run their ailing parents' household, while working a job and running their own home as well. If you keep doing it, your parent may think things are fine. If your mom has dementia, your dad must really be struggling. I might discuss things with him to go over options. To me, there is nothing wrong in laying out what you can and can't do. Your sister may not be inclined to help out. Some people don't. It's a personal decision. I hope you can find some peace.

Where is your sister in all this? Why isn’t she helping you? I suspect there were a lot of jealous feelings in you for your sister that are still unresolved. Have a sit-down with Sis and explain to her that you are not OK with being the only one in charge of your parents wants and needs. Tell her what you will do and not do. Let her come up with suggestions about responsibility sharing. As long as you continue to shoulder all the responsibilities, no one will volunteer to help.