If you could go back in time, what would you warn yourself about caregiving? One or two sentences.

@venting.
Easier said than done when you are dealing with Groundhog Day , same thing everyday with a dementia patient who doesn’t understand , or simply a very demanding , self centered old person . It can be difficult to not be miserable caring for these people . Most of the people who come to ask questions on this forum , come because they are miserable .

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's your choice.

I asked DH this question . His father with dementia has him burnt .
He said “don’t take care of a parent that hardly gave you the time of day most of your adult life “.

Little by little, a little becomes a lot.
Don't let little negative things pile up on top of you. You'll get squished.

dear bundle of joy,
❤️🙂

you have done a good job spring cleaning your body & mind.
i now have more advice for you.

regarding problems.
sometimes one can get overwhelmed by so many problems = huge stress, worries.

so...
1. can the problem be solved? no? well, too bad.
2. can the problem be solved? yes? then please get going.
3. as much as possible: prevention, prevention, prevention. that's the same for health, and for whatever problem. your future self will thank you for having prevented some problems already now.

bundle of joy
❤️🙂

dear bundle of joy,
❤️🙂

the time has come for me to give you more advice.
it's almost easter. i want you to do some spring cleaning -- of your mind & body. polish your mind & body. just like karate, wax on, wax off.

(it's just as important as keeping your house clean).

you've been feeding yourself worries & stress. here are some things that can happen with stress:
teeth-grinding damaging the teeth, hair loss, sadness, anger, rollercoaster-of-unpleasant-emotions, weight gain, isolation, sleep badly, pessimism, increased risk of future illnesses...

sound like fun? no.
so please, start spring cleaning.

you can do it! your future self will thank you 🙂. happy waxing!

bundle of joy
❤️🙂

I would have set more boundaries.
I would have made time for friends .
Lost friends because I didn’t have time .

Distraught your dad is messed up. When he beat himself bloody he should have been taken to the hospital and placed on a psych hold. I wish I could give you the strength and courage needed to get him out of your house.

Distraught,

I hear your heart breaking through your words. I’m so sorry for your difficult situation.

Many of us have been through the mill. Somehow, we have survived and live on to tell our stories.

I wish you peace as you continue on your journey in life.

I would never have done it knowing what we know now. I’m an only child and when my Mom passed away from breast cancer at age 68. My 68 year old Dad tells me that Mom told me to sell the house and move in with you and your wife. He didn’t ask. My mom never said anything to me about this before she died. She did tell my Dad to move on with his life and even remarry.

Well he was very healthy when he first moved in just needed to lose a bit of weight is all. When he moved in with us he quit doing everything. He has an eating addiction and just sits in his room eats and watches TV will not exercise. He has been doing this for 12 years now. We pay his bills do all the cleaning and cooking, shopping taking him to the doctor for the diabetes he has due to poor diet and no exercise. He had a stroke because he didn’t use his CPAP machine as the cardiologist told him. He needs a walker to get around now due to horrible muscle atrophy from doing nothing for 12 years.

His A1C is through the roof now and he has neuropathy in his feet and legs. He wouldn’t head the doctors warnings for 10 years now we are here. He is vindictive when we try to help him with a healthy diet. He throws my shop tools in the garbage when he gets mad about food. He gets mad when my wife and I try to get away for a couple days together and will stop taking some of his meds of set off his life alert on purpose while we are gone forcing us to deal with it away. We have family stay when we try to get away and he still gets mad.

He is also a habitual liar to add to this fun mix. He lies about everything even things that don’t make sense to lie about.
He also immediately started going through our personal things in our bedroom and even emails when he first moved in. This behavior isn’t from aging he’s always had these issues but he put his best foot forward with my mom as for some reason he cared what she thought. Did I mention he also has absolutely no empathy.

This last 12 years has been absolute hell on my marriage and our health. I have had 3 heart attacks the last one being on Aug 15th. The second one he actually caused being purposely obnoxious. My wife now has an ulcer as well as both of us having sleep problems and messed up backs.

My wife is 67 and I am 60. We never got any time to enjoy the retired life due to my Dad destroying our life. We want to move to a little town we have picked out back east to enjoy small town life and family. When we mentioned we were thinking of moving my Dad went outside and came back in the house a few minutes later with his face all beat to hell bleeding with black eyes and the works. We had to take him to emergency and have him checked out. He said he fell but later admitted to doing it to himself because he was mad we wanted to move.

I can’t believe a parent would do this to child! After my 3rd heart attack last August I sat him down and explained my prognosis is very bad and I wouldn’t be living a long life and that my wife and I wanted to do things while we still can. He didn’t even ask about my heart problem but just blurted out “So what you want to put me in a home or something” just as my wife said he would. No empathy! While in the hospital last Aug he made a very nasty remark to my wife and her mom about it being no big deal if I passed. She lost it and they both chewed him out big time.

We are at the end of our rope. I wish this on absolutely no one. Don’t do it.

My warning to myself?
What I originally wrote:

"Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health."

That was almost one year ago. Time flies. Did I lose sight of my own life and health? It's time I really prioritize my health. I hope the next time I post, I stay true to that.

🥰

dear bundle of joy,

you took my last advice way too literally:
“Eat lots of chocolate when times get rough, and eat even more when times are great.”
you've been eating chocolate non-stop. i'm confused if it's because things are really tough right now, or things are going really great. in any case, please stop taking my last advice.

i have new advice for you:

things to remove at the end of the day:
your bra, your make-up, toxic people.

sincerely,

bundle of joy :)

Don't take anything personal. Don't expect help from your siblings. Don't stop living, God will give the Grace needed for everything!

Never ever have a parent move in. Look after yourself. Visit them, but DO NOT live together, you will be giving up your life, socializing and any hopes of enjoying your retirement will be gone.

You will be on your own. Take care of self 1st!

@InvisibleOne

Walk away. Put your father in a care facility or if he can afford it move in live-in help. Then leave yourself.
If he gets "stubborn" about not allowing strangers in to do for him, call APS and tell them he's alone and let them take over. You are not a slave. You do not have to live as a slave because your elderly parent needs care. There's all kinds of care options that don't involve you even being present. Homecare. Nursing home. Assisted Living. Memory Care.
When your family criticizes you tell them they can come and clean can and get the sh*t stains out of the laundry and furniture.
Walk away. If your family isn't going to be any kind of a family to you, there are plenty of people in the world who will. Find your people. You won't find them if you remain a slave.

Answer- Don’t do it! After being my late mother’s caregiver for 6 years, I already did my duty. I should have returned to my career & life. But my father created circumstances that forced me to care for him for what’s now been an additional 8 years. In that time I’ve lost everything. I’m now facing financial ruin, a significantly shortened life span, no friends or family, dreams & hopes long destroyed, and a bitterness & resentment towards humanity that I just can’t shake. I’ll never get the smell of old man sh*t out of my nostrils.

What I don’t understand is how a parent can conscientiously destroy their own child’s future. I truly feel as if I was only born to become a servant to my parents healthcare needs. Meanwhile the rest of my family gets to live happy fulfilling lives… They get to celebrate & enjoy life & have the audacity to criticize me at every chance.

My advice to anyone becoming a caregiver - Once is enough. No amount of doing what’s moral or righteous is going save you from the relentless suffering & destruction. The only people that care are the strangers you meet that have also found themselves trapped in these cruel & horrible circumstances.

a. Watch your back. It's very likely no one is thinking about YOU, what's good for YOU. Think and act in your best interests, too - not just out of kindness for others.

b. Repeat a.

If you have siblings: get it in writing in a contract just like a business. If they assume you because you live closest or have no kids or are single or just a caring person will take on the responsibility--get it in writing what you want just like a job or business because i don't care how nice or how helpful they say they will be...they won't. My sister whom i love but no longer love because she lied straight to my face about coming to break me when i took on the care...lied just straight up lied to me. When the time came to fly from her home to deal with them when i was at my wits end, she came up with every excuse only to find out she was flying to go on a vacation a few weeks later. Sun and sand for her but for me it was hearing b********* and whining and cleaning up after two people that were never very good parents to begin with. Then came the brother, in not so many words i was trying to tell him you need to help me, but with his large family he said the famous words i don't have time. Just because i chose not to ruin the earth breeding they assumed that i wanted to spend my retirement years as a live in nurses aide or something. So yes, MAKE A binding contract of what financially you feel you deserve or if you don't want to be a slave who will take over for you when...everything. Because if you don't i don't care if they are the nicest, kindest, fairest people you know. When it comes to money and parent care...they will fight tooth and nail for the financial and over the phone activities but doing the real work of cleaning a toilet or changing dirty soiled bed sheets you will be on your own or driving them to every doctors appointment...hope you have a new car with four doors and a good strong back for lifting wheel chairs....put it in a contract! Don't screw yourself and your family. Keep the work distribution fair or they don't get inheritance or anything if they aren't there to help.

Bundle of Joy posted this today:
“For attractive lips, please speak words of kindness.”

I agree. And that also means words of kindness towards yourself, which also means standing up for yourself, which also means saying harsh words to people who deserve it sometimes.

What I mean by all that is:
don’t let an elderly LO exploit you or take advantage of you.

Always keep your mental health and physical strength a priority. It's essential.

In collaberative situations, meetings, whether the discussion is about your own family member , or a team meetiing, don't ever hold back if you have a gut feeling about any situation, even if the "client" is sure they know what they want. It's often a life or death situation. With a family, you have to "read" between the lines. Always speak up. Pay attention which is hard to do when your watching someone prepare to leave this world. Plenty of positive things about that today, use humor, honesty and contemplate important decisions. Also, being nice is
essential for success and satisfaction in this very draining helping field. Kudos.

Love, kindness and loads of patience! Don’t forget about YOU!

Don't trust that people will do right by you, *especially* if they seem very nice. It's the "nice ones" who will either not keep their promises or will actively try to stab you in the back. Be careful of who you vent to.

Even if I had a time machine to utilize, I still would never want to return to the past. Once around that track was enough! I only wish to move forward.

It is a nice thought or fantasy, being able to explore the future via a time machine. Real life drama is overrated!

It would definitely be more interesting to press the ‘forward’ button instead of the ‘past.’

Of course, in the future there would be robots doing all of the caregiving!

I would be sipping something cool under a palm tree on a tropical island.

@Scampie1

I'm proud of you, girl. It's good that you're ready to stop tolerating the senior brat nonsense with clients. That is the only way to have any measure of success in this field. You have to be strong and tough.
You're a better person than me in how you dealt with the senior brat smirking at you from the window. I would have flipped her off and left.
I always left a client's house if they weren't answering the door. I do not come back an hour later because someone wants to go out with their friend first. They just wouldn't get any service on that day. I'm on a schedule just like everyone else. I always worked for agencies who offered half pay when a client wasn't available or didn't call to cancel service.
Never be tolerant of abuse even when it comes from a person with dementia.

I would not let a senior brat push me around.
I would not put up with fabrications and lies being told on me. Some of it is out of dementia behavior, but some of it is them at one point.

I've never forgotten being locked out of the house to make a phone call because the senior brat was yelling and screaming at me. When I tried to get back in the home, she locked the door. She stood in her picture window with a smirk on her face.

The first week, I was told to go back home and come back an hour later because she was going out for lunch with her friend and to the bank.

They claim the brain is broken, and I can buy that; but I figure if a person has all that energy to keep stuff riled up, they got energy to help themselves.

If I could go back in time I would tell myself:

"What have I gotten myself in to?"

"You have been set back 2 years in being independant and finding love because of this!"

Do your workout first thing in the morning (to make sure you get it in.)

I have acute hearing damage because the lady I was helping shouted at me all the time, even when she was less than a foot away from me. She was nearly deaf, and she said she didn't know how to whisper.

If I could do it all over again, I would have made an ultimatum, even though she would have been furious with me for talking to her as if she were a child:

"Please learn to lower your voice, Bertha. If you continue shouting at me, I will quit today."

dear bundle of joy,

my last advice to you talked about responsibility. you didn’t listen to me at all.

change of plan. let’s keep things really simple. please listen to me this time. here’s my advice to you.

sincerely, your friend,
bundle of joy

🥰 “Eat lots of chocolate when times get rough, and eat even more when times are great.”