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This will be longer than a sentence, my apologies. It all really started to go downhill after Mark had to get chemo, proton radiation, and then immunotherapy. He had a bad reaction to the RBC shot and he already had severe arthritis in one hip. He took about three major falls, one probably causing a hairline fracture. This caused osteonecrosis that literally ate most of his hip. He was bed bound for two months before he could get the surgery. I expected a longer recovery time as he had been bedbound and his hip surgery was more difficult than a more routine surgery, but it turned into a fiasco. He could not move that leg below the knee, period. This was with PT and over a month in rehab (more like two months). He became wheelchair bound but I was still able to help him do basic transfers to the bed (it was a Hoyer lift before that), into the chair, and into the car, so life went on.
Well, he then got a ulcer on his leg that refused to heal even seeing a wound care doctor three times a week. He had a wound vac on this, skin grafts, and was hospitalized for three weeks to fight off a bone infection. All this time I have a full-time job and then come home to take care of him. I have to help bathe him, transfer, and get him to a bedside commode.
My mother's detertioration was very slooooooow and steady over time (she didn't just, example, have a stroke and go from 100 to zero...it was a long process over about a decade of her declining ability to take care of herself) but I was STILL majorly burned out by the time she fell and I had to start the nursing home/Medicaid process.
I didn't even know I was "caregiver", as strange as that sounds. First of all, I have no people skills, have NO INTEREST in nursing/childcare/caregiving and am childfree and purposely had no kids because I can't even stand taking care of myself most times. Secondly, her progressing problems were, again, so slow I just had no idea what was going on until it aaaaaall hit the fan.
I couldn't focus on my job, and I was late almost every day. I would fantasize about someone, ANYONE, helping me and taking her away for even a day from me after she became almost immobile. I couldn't have any mental space from her. She would criticize everything I did morning until night while just sitting there and I'd wonder how to get away as vacations and days off from my job literally didn't help. I was needlessly irritable inside and anything would set me off.
Watch for those signs and try to help yourself somehow if you notice them creeping up.
🥰
HAPPY NEW YEAR, to all!
A fresh start!!
Dust off the past!! Soon it’s 2024!!
Everything is possible. You’re alive.
Be happy to be alive.
Realize there comes a point where you can do nothing more. Pay attention when that point arrives.
Live. You are not helping anyone if you don't live your life; it only causes frustration, depression, drama with others and poor health
Yes, all of the things that you mentioned are important.
My grandparents and parents made all of their burial arrangements as well. It makes things so much easier for everyone to plan ahead.
My mother always made sure that we knew where all of their important documents were stored.
I’m sorry that your family had loose ends that weren’t finalized. It’s nice to be able to be at peace with knowing exactly how things will be handled.
You bring up an important topic. Please let others know what your final wishes are. Don’t place your spouse or children in a position of not knowing what you would have wanted.
For example, do you wish to be cremated, have your body donated to science, buried in a family plot? Service or no memorial of any kind? Do you prefer a celebration of life? Do you have a will made? Etc, etc, etc..
If your parents don’t tell you their specific plans then feel free to make your own selections on how to proceed. Do make sure that what they want isn’t paid for by you if they don’t have adequate funds for it. Pay for it only if this is what you want to do and can afford it.
Ask them directly what they desire and hope that they will acknowledge that you are doing your best to plan ahead for their final arrangements.
Think with your head not your heart, the heart is not able to rationalize, that is not it's function.
How about having a magic eraser and wiping the entire episode clean to where it didn’t exist?
Seriously, if a time machine existed, I would go forward, not backwards! I absolutely adore science fiction movies that portray time travel.
This is fine. Don’t push them to “ get better”.
I would not just WARN--but flat out tell my DH he was not going to do In Home care for his mother. She's sucking all the joy out of his life-it's truly tragic, yet b/c he retired from his beloved job TO take care of MIL---and we thought she had a few weeks, I never said anything but that I'd be supportive.
If I had known, I would have never offered support for the stupidest decision ever made by 3 'intelligent' adults.
I truly don't think he will recover health wise, physically or mentally from this experience. It has been truly awful with zero 'happy, loving' moments. If he hadn't disliked his mother before this experience, this would have tipped the scales.
She belonged in a care facility 11 months ago. She belongs in one now, more so than ever. And she will NEVER, under any circumstances, leave her home.
I've watched a funny, quirky, lovable guy become someone I don't even want to look at anymore. It's only faith that she will one day pass and this will end that keeps me going, and from leaving him for a calmer living situation.
Am I bitter? Oh, my. I can't even begin to describe it. I probably don't have 10 years left with my DH (he's 17 years post liver transplant). He has sacrificed so much for someone who really doesn't deserve near what she's been given.
Hold on, wait a minute…
Then we wouldn’t have material for our reality show, family sitcom and standup comedy act!
LOL 😆
“STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU.
STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO OTHERS' PREFERENCES.
You are in charge of your life and destiny. That other people have opinions and preferences on what is necessary for you to live a happy, healthy, stable, financially secure life is irrelevant.”
“SO WHAT”
“You are in charge. Act like it.”
True. But if it can break up family, maybe the family was never that loving and cohesive to begin with. In other words, this gave you an opportunity to see the true nature of the family members.