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I seriously never thought my mother would live this long (she's 86.5). She's been disabled with balance and walking since her late 70's, and has been on all sorts of medication for diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, etc. She has congestive heart failure and moderate kidney disease. She takes like a dozen prescriptions, has medical appointments almost every week, and is in the ER about once a quarter. Plus on a day to day basis, she can do almost nothing for herself.
My maternal grandmother died at 82, and she was in much better shape physically than my mother. So I figured my mother would live to her early 80's, at most. Things have changed, though. Modern medicine has made great progress in keeping people alive when they can no longer function or take care of themselves.
My mother has most of her marbles but is disinclined to manage her own affairs, so my sister and I take care of her finances and her schedule. When she reaches the point of being unable to pick herself up to go to the bathroom, I don't know what we're going to do, because neither my sister nor me has any intention of changing diapers, but Mom has no intention of going into a nursing home. She is used to handing her problems over to someone else and expecting them to come up with a solution that works for her. The idea that adult children are responsible for their parents has not evolved to take into account these lengthy periods of disability and the burden that places on adult children who are themselves aging and facing illnesses and disabilities.
I get that. I live it. I just haven't said the words out loud.
I take care of mom. I'm the youngest kid at 54. She's 92. Was a real go getter, worked full time and drove till she was 78 and her eyesight stopped all that. Growing up and as I raised my kids, she was a pain in the butt because she was all up in my business...like RoseMarie on Everybody Loves Raymond. Of course I love her, always have. But, nowadays- that woman who used to do too much, and know too much, had a spotless home and didn't respect the boundaries of my own...now she is like having a toddler that smokes and has a debit card and also like a dissatisfied "tween" girl.
I don't feel hateful about this, but dealing with her ain't easy and when my kids have finally become adults and I've earned the freedom to come and go....we can't do anything that doesn't accommodate and include her. Getting someone that can hang out with her, or heaven forbid be with her overnight, is MUCH more difficult than finding care for kids. All the medications and the delicate nature of administering them properly is a daunting responsibility. I've had to quit my job. I only have a good 10years left to work at a tax paying job and build up my own SSI , I have nothing invested or saved for retirement. I am getting worn down, plus I am starting to fear the real possibility of ending up with dementia, too. It's scary, because when I look at how my mom is confused and unwillingly dependant on being cared for properly. I would kill anyone who mistreated her when she is in no position to think her way out of a bad situation. The thought of placing her somewhere unfamiliar with people she won't know is heartbreaking.
I do not want to end up that way.
I raised my kids mostly without a man. I worked alot. I had my first right out of high school and spent the last half of my 40's (once the kids had grown up and left) muddling through the ugly side if menopause. Once I hit 50, the worse of menopause fading, I began to feel myself revive. The hormonal changes had leveled off...I was blossoming into the beautiful side of being an older woman. I was becoming happy and healthy.
Then I had to face the fact that my mom could not stay by herself anymore, even with daily visits from me and everyone else close.
I was hung-go and felt like this must be my purpose, that first year. We are in the third year now and I am often stressed out and numb to any joy of being with her. All if her needs are all consuming. Even when all the tasks required are accomplished I can't even poop without her seeking me out or calling for me to ask me the same irrelevant question again and again.
What will come of all this?
Idk.
Maragret, no, I don't think that stopping your blood pressure med would cause your death. The bigger risk is you'd have a stroke, and not only continue living but be disabled as well. And I doubt that taking your drugs would hasten your husband's death.
A very insightful and thought-provoking book on this subject is "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End" by Atul Gawande.
My parents have dementia and I can't imagine anyone wanting to live years and years with a broken brain. Dementia has to cause suffering for the dementia person but also untold suffering for the poor person left to care for them.
One of my clueless relatives (my moms younger sister) is always harping on my parents health and how they should eat this and that (organic foods), stay away from sugar, exercise (she even asked the memory care if they had an exercise room or if they teach yoga and Pilates there.. lol ). She stated once.. maybe they will live into their 100's if they take care of themselves.. wow.... what about me? I would be long gone by then if the stress and expense of having dementia parents continues for that many years.
I feel guilty having thoughts that I don't want them to live for years in the state they are in.. but I also know I would miss them in my life because I do love them. I know if I had dementia or a terminal illness or a severely low quality of life I would do the same as you Sue.. stop all but the meds to control pain (if I had the means and ability to do so).
Sue888- I absolutely agree with you. I plan the same for myself.
Medicine is all about keeping the patient alive, as long as the patient wants to do extraordinary means to STAY alive. Actually, the fear of death is an enormous reason a lot of people hang on so tenaciously. She is kept alive by insulin, cholesterol meds, HBP meds, constant antibiotics....and all whatever else she has. I look at her life and say "absolutely not for me!!".
Mom's QOL of life is ok, I guess. She adores attention and she seems to get that from enough people that she is willing to live a very cloistered life.
Mom's mind is going, and that frustrates her. When she says "What is wrong with me?" b/c she can't remember something, I just say "You have 88 years of memories stored in your brain. Of course you'll forget things."
It's not fair, that's for sure. And I personally HATE that longevity is a big factor in the women in my family. I DO NOT want to live like mother is.
BOTH of my grandmothers were 100% independent until their deaths at ages 94 and 91, respectively. Mother has required 24/7 since she was 72.
In a recent local newspaper article for example, this gentleman use to walk 3 miles a day and always came home. He and his wife were at Costco, when she notice that while walking into the store, he had disappeared. The husband did have dementia but he was doing ok. Frantic searches began, day after day. Eventually his body was found many miles from the store, cause of death the outside elements.
Another person comes to mind, former President Ronald Reagan. To look at him he looked healthy after he had left office, he was horse back riding, etc. One would never know by looking at him that he was dealing with Alzheimier's.