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Mthr was a horrible child and animal abuser. I don't know why God has kept her here for so long or why she was never confronted by anyone else about her wickedness. I know she will go on to her reward, whatever that may be. I don't need to be there to see her off.
You do not need to force yourself to do anything to do with your patient's death. You are still a good person. If you can't get over saying no while located in town, when it gets to be close to passing, you could get on an airplane and go elsewhere and have that reason when asked - "I couldn't make it back from Cleveland in time."
There was a Social Services intern present who did her best to guilt me into staying, and although I still remember my discomfort regarding her comments, I knew my mom and I knew myself.
At the time, I was averaging 4 hours of sleep a night, and although I had requested that I NOT be called until after 5 am, the phone rang at 3 because the funeral home wouldn’t take her unless we committed to use their services for her already prepaid funeral.
My mother was in the final stages of dementia at 95. I do not regret my decision.
My point is. Do what you think you can handle and what feels right. You aren’t a bad person for not wanting to be there, that’s what hospice is supposed to be for. My hospice failed me with my dad in more ways than one, yet another thing that makes me angry. If you are meant to be in there you will be. My thoughts are with you and your family.
What seems to be happening with my father's decline is that I am highly attuned to the potential fear he feels about death, and want to be there for him. But unlike my mother, he cannot verbalize and his dementia is getting so bad that it seems any actor could plug in the name of his dear grandmother and chat at him, and he'd be at peace. I don't want to regret not being there, and yet I feel paralyzed, not wanting another horror in my world perception. Maybe when the time is closer, I will have more clarity to the side of hoping that my compassion can be there for him. Being long distance, with a handicapped 86-year-old partner who witnessed my mother's abuse and my father's constant capitulation to her, makes this much more of a logistical problem than if I lived even within an hour's drive. I surely appreciate that you have brought this up.
You are a kind and caring person and a thoughtful one, despite what you have been through. It is time to look after yourself. (((((((hugs)))))) I know this is a very tough time.
My father knew I was there with him until the last 20 minutes.
You only get one chance to say goodbye. Please don't blow it for yourself - to h*ll with what anyone else thinks. You say goodbye for your own closure.
And I had to apologize to all 3 for my own shortcomings and will be forever thankful that I did that.
Yesterday the hospice nurse suggested I try Skype with Dad's caregiver's tablet. I feel this deep aversion to doing so, but will surely give it a try when I can press those buttons without my insides rebelling. My will is strong, my body has trumped my will.
You've helped so much.
First My Wonderful Mom, who had Uterine cancer, with horrendous Mets to her pelvic bones, and and was in intractable pain. She was on Hospice care, in my sister's home for 5 Months, and I am one of 6 kids, we are an extremely close family who all took care of her, it definitely takes a village!
My sister an her husband had a small family business, she also was taking care of her 3 Grandchildren, so leave it to say, my sister was extremely busy, but wanted this, and felt she could handle it with all our help, and we really all worked together like a well oiled machine.
I remember asking my sister if our Mom dying in her home would be the right thing, and she responded honestly, that she "did not know", but we soldiered on.
Thankfully, our head Nurse took that decision out of our hands, as 8 days before our Mom passed, she told us our mom was actively dying and she strongly recommended that Mom be placed into the Hospice Hospital, and We All agreed, even our Mom, as it was thought best, that Mom not pass in front of the 3 small children for fear it would scare them, and possibly scar them for life. It was a great option, it was a beautiful facility, and our Mom had the very best of care and at least one of us was always by her side, and after about 3 days there, she quietly slipped into a deep coma like sleep, and passed away after 8 days, with all 6 of her children with her.
My other Hospice experience was a lot different, my husband and I had my FIL living here with us for 13 years, was diagnosed with Lung cancer in hospital, with Mets to his rib bones, following a fall, pneumonia and sepsis. He was retuned to our home for Hospice Care.
Our Hospice Team was wonderful, but hubby and I did everything quiely on our own with frequent visits from our 4 grown children and grandchildren, but with zero offer of help from hubbys 2 siblings. 9 weeks after entering Hospice, his symptoms steadily worsening over that time, his final week or so was the worst, he was very agitated, and in more and more pain, it was awful. Several bad nights in a row, we were exhausted. The morning of his passing, he woke with a very high fever, so I put cool cloths all over him, and left the room to call my Hospice Nurse, and in that few moments that we left him on his own, he quietly slipped away.
In hindsight, I would have much preferred if he had gone inpatient, as I am still not over (now 9 months later) him passing away in our home, and still find it difficult to enter the bedroom he died in.
There is no right way to say goodbye, as I understand and have personally witnessed, the patient often waits until you leave the room, but whatever is your reasoning, either sheer exhaustion, fear, or other very personal reasons, do not be pushed into doing something that you do not wish to do.
Death is very personal, and as long as you can give your Father the love and respect before he dies, you've done enough. Take Care!
Try and make every visit a happy one. You do not need to be there at the very end. You have been there every day for him, in your heart and mind, if not able to, in body.
Take care Buzzy
You're probably exhausted and frustrated. That's normal. Someone lives to 97, they are going to be in the way (I didn't make that up, some comedian said it, and at the time I was appalled---many years later, I sadly agree).
Do you not want to actually be present when your dad dies? That's OK. That's totally normal, as it can be scary. Are you just worn out? Do you fear that the other caregivers will judge you? Again, they've seen it all and grieving (even pre-grieving) makes us act in ways we wouldn't, normally.
Don't be hard on yourself. My mother is 88. She's worn out. We're all worn out. I'm sure I have not always been kind to mother as I should have.
If your dad is in hospice, let the hospice workers set the tone. Let them step in more. Most hospice co.s will help you with extra caregivers at the very end.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We're all just human, and we break when it all becomes too much.
Be yourself and give him as much time/love as you can. Don't worry about appearances. Each time you leave him, tell him you love him. Just in case he passes when you're not there. That might alleviate some of the stress and worry. Leave on a good note.
It's totally normal and I think it's not unkind.