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Thanks all for your support and helpful suggestions.
Best wishes to you all, rose
i also thought at one time that my parents just didn't plan for their future well and some of that is true. when my nephews were born (my parents only grandchildren) my parents wasted alot of money buying clothes treats and more treats for the boys. even a w/d for my sister omg. on the other hand, both of my parents worked very hard all their lives; most of their money in their working years went to support the household and us two girls. we didn't take an extravagant vactions; no excess jewelry or new cars. They just didn't make enough to survive and save huge amounts. I can relate. My dad got a retirement but my mom as a waitress gets 42 dollars for retirement...common folks who can retire on that?
i support checking into the senior housing option; if the government steps in and
provides any services they mmight want the 50 or 60k that would be had if the house is sold. based on today's market let's see if you can even get that much so dont spend that money without advice from an attorney. safety wise youmight have to force a move; your father at his age, and for any age for that matter, shosuld not be on the roof. my neighbor was probaboy in his 50's got on someones roof, fell off and needed brain surgery. he is ok now. leave the roof to the professionals.
keep searching for all the options section 8, hud, senior apartments. retirement community is too expensive 50 or 60 k will be gone in a flash.
Gather all medical receipts (even if it is for aspirin) as this will help them meet the financial requirements.
You are doing a wonderful job, Good Luck!
... the realities of their situation and deal with them. I am sure you will find out that they do have options that acceptable in terms of adequate housing, and care, even if dad doesn't like them. I have a narcissistic mother who doesn't like the choices that there are either, (thought they are fine for most people), and I have had to back off from giving direct assistance, as her demands became unreasonable to the point of affecting my health. Largely, I leave her to the professionals. I do keep an eye on her from a distance, and check on her, as well as maintaining regular, though not frequent contact. Backing off is not easy, I know. She is European, too, and has the expectation that it is my job to look after her, despite the fact that I have health issues of my own, which are exacerbated by the stress of her demands. However, having compared her with her late siblings, who were not demanding at all, I have concluded that it is the narcissism more that her heritage that is the problem. She pushes continually to have me more involved, and even contributing to her finances, although they are more than adequate for her needs. Please don't drain your own resources in order to support your narcissistic dad's choices. You need your own resources for yourself - financial, physical, emotional etc. A narcissist brings up their children to be codependent, in order to meet his/her unhealthy needs. I am so glad that you are seeing a therapist who is encouraging you in healthier directions. Believe me the sky will not fall when you say "No" to dad, though it feels scary when you first do. Draw the boundaries that are good for you, and stick to them. A simple "I can no longer support you..." (and be specific how - paying insurance, buying groceries etc,) is enough, with NO need to justify or explain yourself. Simply, you cannot do this anymore. Be prepared that he will react negatively, and, ahead of time, deal with any guilt that you may feel. It is what I call "false" guilt - not founded on any rational basis. You are a good daughter, who loves her parents, and is doing her very best for them, to the point of being taken advantage of. That is not good for you, or for them. I cringe every time I read about an offspring financially assisting parents with the resources yours have. I feel it is abusive.
Good luck with this. Come back and let us know how it goes. I suspect you may need support to maintain your new boundaries firmly, and you will get that here.
Love and ((((((((hugs)))))))
Joan
You have obviously been able to maintain your sense of humor throughtout this, which is wonderful. Your comparison with Archie Bunker's hosuehold updated to your situation, is amusing. It sounds as though you are taking needed steps and have been thinking about various scenarios for a while now. Your empathy and compassion for your parents's situation is admirable. You may be furstrated, sad, irritated, during all this, but I don't think, when you look back, that you will regret doing everything you could to help them, especially for your mother's sake. Fathers can be much more complex, mixing in the disappointment of not being able to provide adequately, loss of his business, all the things that come with aging plus the economic downturn. It is a sad situation for all, but one that they can come through relatively well with the proper help and support, I agree that they need one-on-one assistance to navigate the sytems for housing, medical care, etc., especially if there is a lack of literacy or computer literacy. The systems can be difficult to navigate even for those who are more familiar with them. Sometimes it seems as though they are designed to frustrate peopleso that they will fall by the wayside and just give up. It takes takes a strong advocate to come through this with the best possible outcome for everyone. You sound as though you are up to the task. One suggestion is that you always document every phone call or interaction you have with someone, including names and dates, which you are probably doing already. Reaching out simply to talk with others here was a healthy step.
I wish you all the best with this.
Figuring out how to get out of their current predicament and get entered into the section 8/low income housing system? It's not going to be possible for them without serious help, from me but more importantly from professionals. My therapist says to hook them up with knowledgeable people and then let go. I have to work on this and seek guidance on when to push and when to let go. The scenario you outline, Pamelac, is hopefully what can be found: professionals to come in and to help them figure out what is next and the opportunity to see some of these places for themselves.
You ask, what will I do if my father refuses to make a change? It is coming up on the time when he and my mother will have to face the brutal reality of her pulmonary fibrosis. Unfortunately, the fact that he won't be able to afford to stay at the house once she is gone has to sway even him. Part of what I am going to have to do is to join forces with my mother and help them to get set up somewhere that he can afford to stay once we lose her, which will be devastating. Last summer my pushing-70 year old father was up on the roof shingling half of his roof; this summer he is shingling the other half. They do what they can to maintain the home, painting it and keeping up with basic maintenance. It is going to be hard for him to let go of the house; it seems to be bound up with his working-class masculinity. He wants to be Archie Bunker but unfortunately Archie wasn't facing the predicament that my parents are now in. "The New Archie Bunker Show" would be like the old plus devastating expenses and a recession that mitigates against my tradesperson father being able to re-start his failed business. Although, now that I think about it, Archie worked for someone else doing what he could, and my father insists upon working for himself only in his trade. The Sally Struthers character would not have the luxury of rolling her eyes at her father's political tirades but she would have the task of mediating between a well-meaning and knowledgeable social worker and the old coot ... or does she let go completely and trust that somehow Archie will land on his feet?
I'm not sure, though, that better information is going to be enough to get Dad moving. It doesn't sound like it has in the past. $2000/month is not enough to support two adults in a house in need of lots of maintenance. It is plenty once the housing situation is changed. My mother lives comfortably on $860 month, in subsidized housing.
The equity your parents have in the home will decline rapidly if the house is not maintained well. A house that needs a new furnace, a complete interior update (paint, carpet, etc,) and a new roof will definitely not sell at market value (if at all in this market).
I definitely think you are the right track to be looking at housing options. But how are you going to get Dad to accept a good option when you find it?
Remember that you are fully in charge of your own behavior. Your can decide not to bail them out anymore, if they won't change their circumstances to not need bailing out. You can refuse to pay for insurance and buy groceries. (Save your extra money for your own old age!) This may sound harsh, but you need to be thinking about not only finding a good solution, but ensuring that it gets implemented.
Bless you for trying to look after your parents' best interests.
I just want to thank you for reading and commenting. This whole situation is personally painful to me and just being able to share my thoughts about it is a huge help.
Only1of3, it hurts to understand that I can't have my dad living with me. If it was just my mother I would take her in a second, but for me my father is just too challenging to spend time with. I have a lot of guilt about this but I do think that they are in their current predicament because of his failure to think ahead and his narcissism. We all have our failures but he would rather have his adult daughter bringing him groceries than go out and get a part time job. I do feel that he brought my mother hard times, but on the other hand he is a faithful husband and they do care for each other. So I think my role can be to try and connect them with resources and better information. That in itself can be a big help. Catjohn, thanks for your perspective that they are not as poorly off as many seniors. I am endeavoring to see my role as hooking them up with others who know better and can do more. I am a teacher and earn a modest salary. Helping with supplementary health insurance, groceries, and other Incidentals has been a hardship for me as well. I think when I look ahead I hope we can get their situation arranged so that my mothers last years with the pulmonary fibrosis could be more fun and not so ruined by constant stress over money and resources.
Thanks for your thoughts. Other stories, insights and possibilities really help meto think brought the situation. It's a huge part of my life although I keep it as a hidden burden hardly ever discuss it with anyone, kind of a silent bu