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Guilt is not the problem. UNEARNED guilt is the problem. Hanging on to more guilt than we have a right to is the problem. And caregivers have tons of that! The job is simply impossible if perfection is your goal. In any given situation we have several options for what to do ... and none of the options is right! There is no way we can restore our loved ones to their former state of health. Therapist Pauline Boss talks about aiming at the "good enough" relationship, because the perfect (and reciprocal) relationship is no longer possible. But it feels wrong to settle for "good enough" with our loved ones. Wrong = guilt feelings.
And, as you point out Dunwoody, no matter how much we love, we care, we feel obligated, etc. we have our own human limitations. We don't have endless reserves of good health. We don't have unlimited stamina. Just being compassionate does not enable us to function optimally while sleep deprived.
We should feel guilty when acting deliberately to hurt another person. Not being able to function without sufficient sleep does not fall into that category. Needing a mental health break occasionally (or frequently) does not fall into that category. Preparing healthy food for ourselves, exercising, keeping doctor appointments -- none of these things are deliberate acts meant to hurt someone. Any guilt we feel over these things is unearned -- it is not logical or rational or helpful.
Trying to figure out how to cheat your sister out of her inheritance? Yeah, feel guilty...so guilty you don't go through with it. Deliberately ignoring your mother's need for a depends change because you are mad at her ... sure, feel guilty, and don't do that again.
But guilt for all the other things that you can't do perfectly or have no control over, nope -- that doesn't make sense. Feeling guilty because you have needs and wants? Hey, that isn't a deliberate attempt to hurt someone, so give yourself a pass.
I'm in favor of guilt or having a conscience or a moral compass or an ethical sense. It is only when it is applied inappropriately (which caregivers are masters at) that is a burden rather than a useful aspect of our humanity.
This morning I wondered if I was going to be the next one lying in bed with my arteries clogged. I know if I don't stop this fried chicken insanity, I am going to be donating my health as well as my time to her. So it is back to whole grains, vegetables, and grilled fish for me. Eating what my mother wants makes me feel bad and could be a big reason she has been sick for 20 years now.
There are so many situations that have occured; his quickness to anger, disputes over his meds., his drinking alcohol and now not changing his pull-ups daily. What can I do? Nothing.
So, I am thankful that I have a part of the house that is mine, and don't feel a bit guilty that I do not spend more time with him. If it was up to him, I'd be out in the livingroom with him, 24/7, watching old westerns and two hours of news.
It's funny.....when it's nice and I am outside, gardening,painting, enjoying some peace and quiet, when I come in for something, he now has coughing spasms ( which I belive are mostly fake ), as if a bit of the outside air is killing him.
We have live day by day, moment by moment. It is exhausting.
Dinagrey