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You have a difficult situation, and you are likely to want comments on various things for some time. It’s best on your own thread, so that it all hangs together. Yours, Margaret
Your siblings from neighboring states not helping is very common . I’m 1of 5 . I alone 95% of the time took care of my parents for over a decade in their home . However I did not live with them . I had a rule , I went home every night to my own home and family . When they could not be alone overnight they were placed in a care home .
Others will tell you that you can not expect siblings to help . You are choosing to do this . That does not mean that they have to help.
Your siblings may see this as your problem . You chose this arrangement and you do have a way out , but you do not want to place Mom in care yet.
You may be feeling resentful that you are the one preserving inheritance for everyone , meanwhile you did all the work .
Unfortunately , these situations are common . Each persons view of the situation can differ .
I agree , your mother is likely not going to change her ways at her age .
I wish you luck in this . Let us know if you found any ways to make this work for your family , because it is not working now .
I did not take my parents into my house . I used their money for their care . For me inheritance wasn’t worth it . It was difficult caring for my parents . But I did get to come home to the privacy of my own home. That was priceless .
I wish you had found us sooner before you took Mom in and now Mom is contributing to the mortgage which fuels your mother’s thoughts that she can be the matriarch . Many of us would have advised you not to do this living arrangement .
Remember you do have a way out when you need it . At least your Mom does have money for a care home . Your physical health , mental health , marriage , and children not living in a house full of stress matter .
I realized how lucky I was , that my husband was putting up with my moods. The only way possible I've been able to do what I've been able to do for mom was because of that man! And I try to show him gratitude every day for it.
I suspect if your husband was not who he is your mom wouldnt be there.
Btw, there are always options, there is always a way out of bad situation.
Best of luck.
How about having Mom go to the therapist with you ? Your mother needs to learn boundaries , it’s your house , your marriage , your kids. Maybe the therapist can get your mother to listen to your concerns .
Let it blow up. Stop tiptoeing around your mother . So she gets mad . You don’t have to put up with it .
Therapy didn’t work because you are too afraid to stand up to Mom .
I know you said moving is not an option , but that is the obvious solution here. See if there are any HUD subsidized senior apartments for Mom . Rent is based on her income . If there are any , put her name on a list. If money is not the problem , then you point blank tell Mom that this is not working for your family and she needs to move out , you can help her move .
If it’s your mother’s house you and your family need to move out . I know you said it’s not an option , but you have not said why . It may actually be an option and you are not recognizing it
The other thing is maybe a senior center for activities or adult day care where she will meet people her own age.
Your mother is not extremely sensative to criticism . She is expressing her dominance as your mother . She sounds like the how dare you talk to me like that in her head , but cries to your face to manipulate you .
The “ you don’t appreciate what I do “ type of mother to have things her way. You are an adult , stand up to her. Stop letting her be in control of your household and kids.
To answer your questions , yes many have come here with a similar problem as you and they have ended up divorced .
Your responsibilities are to your marriage and kids, not to keep the peace with a bully of a mother .
Next time your mother throws up in your face that you are living in a friend's house, remind her that she is too. Tell her ," People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
I've heard the same thing he said before, but for some reason it resgnated with me so incredibly much more than before.
It was about worry, why do we worry? Worrying has never changed a dam thing in life. It's never solved a problem, all it does is create problems for are health.
It went something like that. It was just a very powerful uplifting message.
You can tell her this is your house and it is clean enough for you. That this is your life and those are your dogs and they are staying and she is going back to her home as soon as it can be arranged. You will help her pack and get whatever transportation is needed. She will be upset but what's new. She's upset anyway.
Firm boundaries are needed here, doggiemom. Never allow anyone who is that manipulative and mentally unhealthy into your home again. Prayers with all this. Just send her back to her home as soon as possible no matter what she says. It is clearly nonsense. Look after you and don't let these sick people interfere with your life.
She has a degenerative spine, was told not to reach. She if course did, now there is more stuff she can't do. But she will anyways and it will just happen again. But for the most part her cognition is pretty good. But you can't reason with her at all. That's just the way it is. It could be just the fact that her brain is slowly dieing.
Your not going to be able to reason with her or make deals with her . Like I'll do this if you do that. The aging brain and the horrible anxiety just doesn't work that way.
On top of your worries about the dogs and everything else you have been though. You also need to understand that living with someone so high anxiety is going to increase your anxiety times 10. I can only be with my mom so long before I feel my old pain in my neck creeping back in.
Sorry your going through this
if it’s mental, I don’t see major decline as she is still able to do all physical things by herself and most mental. She just has horrible anxiety. She was literally crying saying “The smell of your dogs is making me ill” and saying I’m filthy. I am not a neat freak but hardly dirty. I don’t believe in constant cleaning. She had a mental break down because a bug touched her in bed. I had to get an exterminator here before she’d sleep in her bedroom. Right now I am working on getting a car. My dogs are my ESA.
Your brother chose to take care of your mother for 10 years that doesn't mean you have to serve a 10 year jail sentence with your mother now.
That's not how life works and you can tell your brother that.
I thought you were moving back home to a supportive environment but it seems you escaped one bad environment for another.
The good news is you are or will be working so you hopefully can afford a place if your own.
I am sorry your mother is being like this about you and your dogs. It sounds like she has or is getting cognitive issues.
Tell her you don't need help settling and to move home or out or whatever you have to do.
I've never prayed for them but I have felt bad for them. Actually I never look at them I turn a blind eye to them, forget they are even there.
I wasn't though. I actually do pray for the lobsters. I feel so sorry for them all pushed together in a small tank until someone buys one and sticks it in boiling water alive. Sigh.................Best not to think of such things. Life is cruel. And no, I don't eat lobster. Never been a real fan of crustaceans. I do eat other fish so I guess that makes me a hypocrite.
Joking, yes.
I did not even make it up, but found it somewhere.
As far as fear of running out of chocolate-I have no fear-because I would never let that happen! (lol.)
Gershun,
I know you are concerned about all living things-it is a lovely attribute, and shows your sensitivity, which is a real thing.
So, you knew I was joking about the lobsters?
Jokes are never a good thing if one has to explain it's a joke.