My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Chriscat,
Even more painful is the selfish and insensitive mother who treats others so kind.
And if you are the scapegoat for your mother, others in the family may treat you the same way.

That is why we cling to our pets for comfort, and why it is easier to give comfort to our cats (pets).

See you over there...on the cats thread.

Thanks Send. I thought I would head over to the “caregivers cats…” post to see if anyone has any past experience of my cat’s condition.
As for my mother, I know what she is like, but as is the case for so many others on this forum as well as for me, the selfishness and insensitivity is still so damaging when you are faced with it, at a time when you could really use some kindness instead. I think we can all fall into the trap of hoping (in vain as it turns out) that just for once they will show some compassion….

Chriscat,
So very sorry for your loss of Uncle and cousin. 🌹🌹
And the sad diagnosis of your cat being terminal. 😿

You know that you can talk about it here....

You will also receive continual support on the 'Caregivers Cats behaving badly.

This is so sad....

Hi all. Not been on this site for a month or so as have had quite a few problems. Firstly one of my cats has been diagnosed with terminal cancer - I’m not sure how long he has left, and we are taking each day as it comes. On top of that, I lost a dear uncle three weeks ago followed by a close cousin of mine only last week, which was completely unexpected and shocking - and the poor girl was only in her 40s. I tried to talk about all of this with my mother as it has left me very distressed, but again I am reminded that she has never been able to offer emotional support throughout my life. Instead of listening and providing comfort she just started talking about some shopping she needed to get. Sickening. There is and never has been any empathy.

Same here. 86 year old mom with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and now has Alzheimer's. Still I cannot tell what is the NPD and what is the Alzheimers. At our last day together, she was oddly physically strong. She was aggressive. In the morning she grabbed my arm outside her house and said "the neighbors will accuse you of abusing me." In the afternoon when I took her to the bank while I was trying to organize her financial matters, she said "I don't know why she is taking my money" when all I did was pay off her credit card. By the evening, she ran to a neighbor's and said I had hit her at dinner and had stolen her money. She came back to an ambulance, police, social workers, and told them the same thing. It seemed so calculated - she looked me in the eye while she was telling this absolute lie. And when I expressed shock at this allegation she looked at me and said "look at you so smug." It was all so calculated and manipulative that I have a hard time attributing it to her alzheimers as opposed to her NPD. Despite being her scapegoat girl, I'm the one who she always asked for money, for anything she needed. I gave and gave and gave. No one else would throw her a dime, or give her any time. This is all so hurtful. I just cannot believe it.

I am happy to have found this group- I feel much less alone now. Honestly, my life has been an emotional roller coaster for 65 years- the pain she has caused my family is immeasurable. Dantonio, sadly your story mirrors mine. If I had a nickel for every time my mother told us “I gave my life for you kids”, I would be fabulously wealthy.

I'm in the same situation in almost every aspect of your post, and same thing, blames me and my sister, only difference is my sis has always been the child that could do no wrong, but now it's just mean nasty cruel language, even to my wife(which kind of makes me have to try really hard to not yell back) I honestly can't wait until she forgets who I am, and my sister just was on the phone with me, and we were talking about how she won't take her meds, and my sister said she didn't care, because it will get her to let go of some of the things she thinks she can do as she gets worse, because she will forget about them, idk if that's bad or good, but it makes sense because she's so fixated on trying to understand her finances, among other things, she was a counselor, and I couldn't believe all she had to do was call the state of new mexico, and ask them to renew her license, and they did so without any continuing education or testing. I just realized I'm kind of venting.. Sorry about that, I think what caught my eye in your post was "she blames me and my sister' good luck to you. This is been the m stressful 7 months of my life!

Enlightened: I hear you! My mother is 95 (just about) and I am 64. I have been listening to her threaten to kill herself since I was about 4 years old!!! She used to storm out of the house in the car leaving my grandmother & I home waiting by the door, saying she was going to drive the car 'off the bridge' and kill herself! Of course, that was my earliest recollection of her histrionics & LIES about threatening suicide. Nowadays, living in Memory Care AL (NEVER with me God forbid) I get the calls at least 2x a week about 'throwing herself out the window' or 'running out into traffic' to do herself in. I like to remind her she lives on the first floor so throwing herself out the window won't do any good and she's wheelchair bound so 'running out in traffic' isn't going to happen either, especially since the exterior doors are LOCKED in Memory Care. Wanna play games, ma, let's play. Six DECADES of BS is enough methinks. She'll live to 100 giving me a stomach ache and all I'll have to show for it is ulcers. Women like this GIVE cancer, they never GET it. How our father's lived with it is beyond me; I know I ran out of that house with lightening speed at 17 and never looked back. But now I'm stuck *as an only child* with her again for the past 10+ years; even with advanced dementia she can STILL play amazing mind games. Muscle memory (especially with the NPD types) NEVER fades away! They can remember how to gaslight and play punishment games right up until their dying day. #Truth

@Scapegoat: YOU have every right to a happy, guilt free existence too, you know! My DD says the same thing about narcs and karma and that my mother is alive at 95 precisely b/c she's getting her due for all the pain she's caused others her whole miserable life. But guess what? Her extended life is causing ME extended pain & misery!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

You are not alone. You have every right to a happy, guilt free existence. She is safe and being cared for well. Leave her there and let her sit in her 💩 alone and don't feel bad about it. Because why?
Because old narcissists get what they deserve in the end.
Karma, baby.
Let go of the guilt!
Your children matter more than your guilt

You are not at all alone. I am in a very similar situation with my 93 year old mother- no good deed goes unpunished, and she lies about me to her friends, that I am a screwup, that I am uncommunicative, that I don’t care about her. Her lies are selective based on her audience. Last week I was over to visit, and she fell-tripped over an electrical cord she stretched across a walkway. She insisted she was okay, and really she was- I called each day to check on her, but I work a demanding job- went over Friday and she is bruised but okay.
I called her Sunday and she had switched the story such that I am at fault- told her friends and some of our family members that she fell because “I was in a hurry”- I wasn’t, and never told her I was, had brought her magazines and books and was sitting outside while she went in to get something. I wanted to sit outside just in case I could be carrying any flu or covid viruses- when she fell inside, I ran in after I heard a loud thump. Had to help her up on her feet- and found in addition to this booby trap, she had brought more throw rugs into the house- I threw them all away six months ago. There always has to be a bad guy, it can never be her fault- and this is just another event in years and decades of abuse.
I am as you are- tired of the abuse. I am taking two weeks off from her- told her I have family members who tested positive for Covid- which is true, though they are asympomatic- and that she needs to get all of her listeners to pitch in. This is a mental health break and I am taking it!

It’s taken me a long time to realise that my mother is a narcissist but coming to this forum has opened my eyes even further! I’m so happy I found you!!
My 80 year old mother ( I’m close to 50) is so negative that I can’t bear to spend time with her anymore. She is extremely critical, lecturing me about everything When I do spend time with her I’m walking on eggshells and get extremely anxious now before I visit her.
Our relationship has deteriorated ever since I met my husband seven years ago, before that, I lived close to her and our relationship was good, and at that stage I didn’t realise how much she has negatively affected my life.
I have spent the last several years trying to defend myself ( Ever since I got married at the age of 44) and the adult decisions I make but it all came to a head last year when I told her that she will not be coming to Christmas day lunch with my husbands 5 children ( my step children) and their partners and that we will be seeing her separately on Christmas Eve instead. She accepted it when my husband was sitting with me and we told her the new plans, but the next day she called me crying and implying that I don’t care about her and why wouldn’t I want to spend the day with my own Mother? I then received an email saying “Do you know how high the suicide rates on Xmas day are?” I stood up to her for the first time ever and told her that the decision has been made and that’s the way it was going to be moving forward. I will not going to be emotionally blackmailed now or ever and that if she is contemplating suicide that she should call life line. I was so angry with her that I just came out with it all!
My husband and his children have included my Mother at Xmas day events for the last 5 years and as his 89 year old mum doesn’t come either now so we decided that hubby’s kids should be able to see their own father with out my judgemental, critical, negative Mother at the table year after year.
Fast forward this years Christmas, and I have have just told her the plan is the same as last year and again she argued and cried and acted shocked and how could I do this to to her?
I have a brother and a sister who live out of state but never come for Xmas as my Mother has a problem with my brothers wife and her own granddaughter told me she “gets anxiety” when she speaks to grandma. I honestly believe the siblings escaped years ago and I just couldn’t see it.
My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my Father was a drinker and Mum blamed the whole thing on him. My sister became estranged from him and never spoke to him again before he died.
im starting to wonder if it was my Mum’s fault, the constant criticism, nothing ever been good enough and the stress that she likes to feel whenever she gets the chance. I honestly don’t know how they lasted 21years. I remained very close to my Dad as he was a very chilled, relaxed, happy person at the end of his life and he loved me and was proud of me. I think I sensed there was something wrong with my Mothers emotional responses at a very young age.
My relationship with Mum was not always bad as long as I went along with most of the negative things that she thinks of, as soon as I started questioning her our relationship changed.
i have felt hurt that all the things I have included my Mother in are just forgotten even though I’ve been the only child in the state for 20 years, I have felt extreme frustration as she triggers me every time we speak, I have felt immense sadness that she has become this miserable person. The complex range of emotions have been extremely challenging but I am lucky my husband is so supportive.
My mother wasn’t always like this, I do understand its not easy with health problems and ageing in general and I love her and want what’s best for her, but I feel her toxicity and it’s becoming intolerable.
I am supposed to be seeing her this week and sadly I’m not looking forward to it. :((

Thank you for this forum x

~although, difficult, have that one on one dialogue ( over a favorite meal ) 'mother boundaries have been crossed,' :( which is why, along with healthcare that your here.
x
Goodluck respectfully,
Brindi

I would say do holidays on your terms. She doesn’t have to be included in everything. Take a special meal and a gift to her for Christmas, if you choose to. I wouldn’t allow her to ruin family gatherings any longer. She doesn’t need to know everything that’s going on. She doesn’t get to control the tone of family gatherings anymore. Spend time with her on your terms. This includes holidays.

I know what you are going through my husbands mother has been hateful our entire marriage for 42 yrs. She has alzheimers and is 90 yrs old was living by her self. This last yr she stop taking a shower not washing her hair for a yr. She would tell us I know when to take a shower. At 85 she had to stop driving she would not keep maintence upon her car driving on one cylinder. She did not need to be going any where by herself. She could not tell you where she had been or even what she was doing. She starting falling 4 times with 6 month period. Last time we found her on the kitchen floor. Ambulance came and got her no broken bones. Doctor sent her to rehab to help her to walk again did not work she is in her last stages of dementia, not eating much or fluids. She complains and will not believe anything we tell her. Now she is in nursing home. We are relieve someone esle can put up with her. Hopefully God will take her soon. I would never put my grown kids through this ever. She is a selfish person always has been talks about her self nothing about her children or grandkids! Praise the Lord we do not have to do anything anymore for her if we do not want to. Life is too short just because they are your mother they do not have to treat their kids like we owe something!

MidKid, your experiences sound familiar to me. In August I suffered concussion and an arm injury after a fall, and in the same week our son caught Covid. My mother didn’t call us at all to see how we were doing. It just wouldn’t occur to her to do so. Last week when we visited her after a few weeks of not being able to, she wasn’t interested in our recoveries, but immediately started talking about herself, with no enquiries as to how either of us were doing. This isn’t dementia, just someone who really only cares about herself. Over the years I’ve learned to accept it, and to make sure now that I only give as much as I’m prepared to give. I think that is a reasonable approach under the circumstances. To others I would say there’s no need to feel guilty if you reach the same conclusion in your relationships with a parent.

Tribe--

Your story could be mine. I have gone 11-1/2 months between 'talks' with mom. It would have been a solid year or more, but she needed me to do something.

She was totally unaware that we had not spoken from Thanksgiving of one year to 2 weeks before Christmas of the NEXT year.

I was driving her to Bingo for about 8 weeks until I had to have a major ankle/foot surgery which has sidelined me for the last 9 weeks and probably the next month before I can really walk 'normally'.

She would find an excuse to call me every Monday before Bingo with some fake 'need' and to remind me that Tues. was Bingo. As soon as I had to step out, she stopped calling. Never called to check to see how I was doing post surgery---nothing. I am unsure whether or not I will return to being her 'ride' to Bingo. I'm not mad, I'm just sick of being treated like this.

Midkid58, you said "My mom 'uses me' to her advantage. When I am of no use to her, she ghosts me. It used to bother me, now I can laugh about it and see it for what it is: mental illness that will never change."

I am being ghosted. All I can figure is it's because I moved away, she expects me to read her mind and is possibly jealous. Mom has always used the silent treatment to register disapproval, but she's really dug in this time. Hasn't phoned me in close to a year, blamed that on me (you're too busy, she says, even though I repeatedly told her she can call me anytime) and reluctantly got on the phone when I called dad. I was feeling hurt by the sulky behavior and one word answers so I don't ask to speak to her anymore.

I did send a brief note, told her I loved her, accepted her choice to be non-communicative, and if she ever changed her mind my phone lines are open. Ball is in her court. I don't expect I will hear from her anytime soon, because that would signal defeat and Mom is never, nor has ever been wrong. 😳

My mother, who let 3 children be molested by a sibling, who to this day, 50 years later still denies I told her, I was five, I can replay that event like a movie in HD clear as the day I told her. She instead says to me, how hard it was for HER when she was a child sent to various family and friends to care for her, strangers to her and abused HER, and I look her in the eye and say, yes I KNOW what that is like and even worse when a family member is the abuser and the mother does nothing to stop it.
I now see the verbal abuse and how she was emotionally withdrawn to us, especially her daughters. I was the youngest, by many years and an "accident" as I was reminded of often, also my birth nearly caused her death and if she had to make a choice, she tells me when I was a child, she would have had the Dr save her over my life, so thoughtful of her to share that with me... My sister's both got pregnant to get out of the house, this resulted in her saying she KNOWS ME accused me of things I had not done, assuring me I'd follow my sister's footsteps, and I didn't and that really pissed her off. I wanted to go to college she laughed and said that was stupid and I couldn't afford it anyway. So, straight A's, and probably could have gotten a scholarship but she burst my dreams, I didn't even take the SATs, she was ok with that, probably was worried if I might get a scholarship & prove her wrong again, can't have that. There were fun times together it wasn't always bad, I didn't even know HOW bad it really was until adulthood. I've got emotional scars no self confidence, never good enough, my life and my choices impacted by her abuse, I just try to not do the same to my kids. When she is talking of grandkids, she doesn't fail to mention my children aren't "mine" they are adopted. She takes glee in pointing it out, another failure she sees of mine not able to have a biological child. I've told her that is not something to say at if it's a negative thing, they are gifts to me and should be to her. She tells my kids in front of me at a visit, you have a mean mom....I said to her, well I did learn from you. My parents don't drive, but by dad did, and wrecked the car going to get her pain pills because she is an addict in her 80's, and nagged and nagged him to get the pills, and he drove because she couldn't wait for me to get them the next day. She thinks only of her and he thinks only of her, she will go to my dad to complain about me so he will tell me to be nice to her, She does it because she knows I'm worried about him and she stresses him to get at me. Sisters don't have any contact for decade or more, with anyone. One brother does not help or visit but calls them and that leaves me and one brother and my spouse who does more than their own kids ever do, AND homeschool's all four kids, though the brother who helps has no kids, and the other brother has no kids, we live closer to the parents, though still over an hour but they think we are closer so we should do the most. I work full time, homeschooling 4 kids is full time but the burden is on us 80%. Mom says she wouldn't do what I'm doing for them, I already know, she did nothing for her mom. She texts & talks about me & everyone behind our back I read them all and told her, that's why i'm there for my dad & ONLY for him. She's mad if he eats what I make, says it's ONLY because i made it, not happy he is eating. She says she can't do it anymore, so as my dad goes into hospice, I'm doing it all, my dad passed, her "tears" weren't real, she only worried no one will visit her now (karma). I tell her I'm going to go pick up my dad's ashes, she doesn't even acknowledge it, not upset, no emotion, just complains about her pain, sends ME her shopping list & gushes about neighbor who is great & will get her pain pills for her. She expects I'll shop. doesn't care for me/my family. I took care of DAD he deserved it. She doesn't & I'm done, I'm a b**** she'll say, to her indeed I am

I like to pop in to this thread from tine to time (I didn't have narcissistic patents but was married to an extremely charming one for 24 years).

I like to tell folks to watch the movie "Now, Voyager". It is basically the story of how a downtrodden daughter of a narc mom escapes. Good watching--Bette Davis, Paul Henreid and Claude Rains.

I've seen this post and marveled at the length of it--the timeline of it (10 years?? we only had Dorker for 4+, I think).

It's good to have a place to go to vent about Narc mothers. It's funny that we rarely see Narc dads. I'm sure they exist--maybe we call them bullies instead, don't know.

Both DH and I have Narc moms and it has taken us 45 years to figure out how to deal with them. And the answer is: The less contact the better. So sad. Really.

I don't anyone CHOOSES to be totally self absorbed, and I am sure psychiatrists have a field day talking to people who have been damaged by years of bad parenting.

My mom 'uses me' to her advantage. When I am of no use to her, she ghosts me. It used to bother me, now I can laugh about it and see it for what it is: mental illness that will never change.

Dh is still working out his issues with his mom and honestly? I don't think he ever really will. Neither he nor his brother really talk to her. He visits maybe once every 2-3 months and comes home and literally crawls in bed with a pillow over his head. She damaged him so badly--at age 69 he is finally beginning to get some clarity, but I tell you, I have 'suffered' from her treating the both of us just terribly.

Had I known what having her as a MIL was going to be like--I would not have married my DH. She has been THE primary source of contention and pain in our marriage.

And, sadly, I know, from reading some of these many posts, I am NOT alone!

Cautionary tales, for sure.

You're NOT alone ((( hugs )))
It's happening worldwide.
I've a toxic family and am the 'designated scapegoat'.

1K comments w/similar stories. This forum helps to know you're not alone, that not all families are The Brady Bunch. Sole caregiver here of 86-yr-old selfish mother. Doing for years, exhausted. Returning from hospital, after setting her up in lift chair, she asked for a bell so she could ring me. I'm a servant in her eyes. Narcissists are incapable of really seeing you as a human. You matter only as for what you can do for them. I told her no way. She calls for me to help her pee a thousand times a day, y'all know that always on call/alert feeling. Last night I cleaned up a liquid feces explosion all over her, me, carpet, furniture while dry gagging. Today, I cracked up crying, telling her I've been sick, have no friends, have given up everything in my life & am breaking down, we need to make some changes. Her response: well, on the way home from work tomorrow, pick up some lunch so you don't have to cook. This is terrible so don't attack me, but I'm locked in my room now bc I can't deal. I made dinner & she refused to eat it so I threw it in the garbage. But she is going to the bathroom by herself! All this time, she could've done it, but called for me, preventing sleep, interrupting whatever I was doing. Just sharing so YOU know you're not alone either in some incredibly challenging situations.

Your problems are at least explicable in terms of these low life “people?” I use the term in a poetic sense. However, my largest betrayal was by the most sinister person of all = MY MOTHER.
I only found out her evil nature after her death and upon reading her Wills re; her estate.
I have actually helped my father and mother all my life in any way I could, and after my father died something seemed to trigger my mother to revert to perhaps her real self, (evil and vengeful).
She basically removed me from her Will and decided to give all to my brother who was her equal in deceit, evil and basically without a soul.
One final problem even though my mother is dead is that it is hard to rationalize why a mother would do anything bad to her own child, and particularly when I had helped her all my life.
Even harder is to forget HER.

TreadingWater,
I can see parts of your dilemma in mine. I am taking care of my boyfriend's mother 15 to 24 hours a day. She lives in my boyfriend's mobile home. I have a separate mobile and I live there when I am not staying the night with her. She sits in her recliner and does search a word all day long while watching the Law and Order type of TV. The only time she walks is when a therapist is there. Most of the time she rolls around in a wheelchair getting up to use the toilet and getting back in her recliner. She is very negative, never having a kind word about anything. Just yesterday, I made a much needed hair appointment. She hasn't had her hair cut in over a year due to Covid. She has been complaining about her hair and stating she needs an appointment. So when I told her about the appointment, she rolled her eyes and scrunched up her face. Then she stated that she only wanted the OWNER to cut and style her hair. Very nasty to me. I try to set up home care appointments and she always has something negative to say. I am really grateful to these occupational therapists because they have taught her how to put on her own socks and adjust her pillows under her legs. Now she doesn't announce "I have to go to the bathroom!!" She does it herself. Her son and I only check on her back in the bathroom. What a relief. PS we had a working toilet installed by her bed so she only has to walk a few steps to it. Pricey but worth peace of mind for her not to fall walking a long way to the toilet.
I can see how her nasty attitude has affected her visitors. She has two sisters living nearby. It's rare if they visit once a month. Her younger son usually does come and stay on Saturday night into Sunday night, giving us a much needed break. Sometimes he just blows it off. We have finally talked Mom into hiring a caregiving service that offers a minimum of 12 hours a week, 4 hours a day. This gives us a chance to go to doctor appointments and shopping and just time AWAY. I suggest doing that even though it is not covered by insurance. Mom does pay for this service.
So believe you me, YOU are not alone. I always say Welcome to my world...

My mum is the same , I’m in my 30s and my mother is in her late 50s . When I was 15 my dad died suddenly, she was quite an unloving parent before never hugged or kissed me, told me that she loved me etc. Since he died she just made bad decision after bad decision, jumping into relationships, swandering all her money on her fellas. Until she had nothing and moved in with me.... well that was 10 years ago . Everyday she makes my life a living hell to the point where I’m distressed, she does nothing apart from work never helps clean the house, is hateful towards my 12 year old, slags my husband off continuously and just puts me down at every opportunity. It’s getting me down but I literally can’t Chuck her on the streets she’s my mum. Just a snippet of what she does, I cook dinner and she tells me it’s disgusting or refuses to eat it, I decorated my hall way and she told me I had done it wrong, I don’t let my kids have chocolate every day and I’m evil, my husband is a pratt apparently , I put her butter in the cupboard as she leaves it out and she asks whose moved it and places it back on my work surface, she’s boring and she’s over opinionated, but pretends she’s a fun loving saint around her friends. Everything I do is incorrect ,she tells everyone the reason she lives with me is because I’ve got 4 kids and need her help. I’m slowly beginning to hate her. She’s never said I’m doing a good job makes a mountain out of a molehill . I can’t do anything right and I’m losing the plot 😢

Philbert, what a shame that your father is so unhappy, instead of recognising that he has a wonderful supportive family. It’s also bad news that it’s affecting your well being. Can you set some boundaries, such as not being available to take calls every day, but maybe every few days instead? Was he like this with your mother when she was alive? Did he expect her to do everything for him then, or has he just switched off since she died? He is probably also depressed. Maybe the medics can prescribe something to lift his mood, which may then improve his behaviour a little?

You are not alone - my 87 year old father is also miserable, hateful and always complaining - My wife, myself and my 2 adult daughters refer to him as the ‘joy-vacuum’ - within seconds of him arriving people start leaving the room to escape his unrelenting pessimism, all of it relating to the same subjects. It’s like ‘Groundhog Day’ but without the redemption at the end. My mother died 16 years ago and ever since he has clung to me to make all of his decisions for him, solve all of his problems for him, however trivial. He has literally clung to me since and won’t let go. He manufactures ridiculous reasons to call to my house almost everyday. It’s all so frustrating I find myself screaming into, and punching a pillow; after he’s left, in order to release the stress and tension that builds in me.

This could be me. Mom has always been abusive and neglectful. Others in her life ger her best. Now that she needs help, she's demanding I do more than I can. I remind myself that her actions past and present will shorten the amount of time she can live independently.

wow, this could be me. It is so difficult. Definitely get counseling for yourself to help you deal with this incredibly challenging situation.

Capp,

I would suggest some books on boundaries but those are difficult when dealing with dementia. Thus, I suggest reading the book, Running on Empty, for some healing insights. No you are not alone.

Does your insurance cover you for online counseling? That is available through some.