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I need to vent!
I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.
I was helping her. It was necessary help.
When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.
I need to scream.
(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).
My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.
This will go on for years.
It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.
I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.
She’ll continue forever.
She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.
All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…
I need to find a way to stop being attacked.
Dear Bundleofjoy,
Below you wrote:
“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”
That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
I know mine was. She has no regard for others. I truly understand your anger your frustration and your hurt. Yes it hurts a lot...
and please be careful:
we all know it, but we must remind ourselves.
difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost, having to move like a ninja through all the attacks
----opportunities you don't EVEN REALIZE you've lost, because you're very busy dealing with attacks.
hug!!
it’s unfortunate because:
it’s already so stressful (the emergency/whatever you’re dealing with)
…and then there’s the additional, totally unnecessary stress from difficult LOs on top of that.
i wonder if almost 100% of difficult LOs (sound mind) never took care of their own elderly parents (because they died young/whatever reason).
and,
unfortunately,
these difficult LOs feel good when they dump stress on you — so from their point of view it’s “necessary” to dump it on you.
very unkind.
totally undeserved.
i send compassion AND i hope anyone in this situation has a lot of luck in finding good solutions.
hug!!!
wishing us all a great weekend!!! :) :)
bundle of joy :)
hug!!
unfortunate you feel at home here.
sending big hugs to you, with all you’re going through!
bundle of joy
I ask these things because the answer would depend on knowing these things. We are a product of our "perception" of our experiences. Yet we as adults have choices,no matter what experiences we have. You have all the right in the world to choose to disconnect from your mother. I suspect she would not miss you much because she has plenty around to abuse.Your kids and the grands deserve the best life and it sounds like everyone will carry emotional scars due to her tyrancy. You can always just go visit her, bring a gift, stay 10 minutes, if that eases any guilt and any other family member that has a need to see her can do the same. No need bringing her to the family. Let anyone that needs to, go visit her.. She has made her own bed she can sleep in it by herself. ~God Bless
Get out of there! If your mom is telling her that God is not pleased with your care of her, that is a lie. God is not your problem. Stand up for yourself, leave and ask God for help and strength. Sounds like your mom groomed you perfectly for this abuse and even used God to shut her case closed. Break out! Leave! Let her sleep in the bed she has made!
I hate the sight or sound of her. It makes me feel like such a very bad person, but how else could I feel about her? and this makes me feel like such a piece of s*** human being as I am her spawn .... :(
Whats worked best for us is to limit our visits to once or twice a month. Dad lives in a AL 3 hours away. He refuses to move to be closer to my brother and I and then tells anyone who will listen we are terrible kids who only want his money and to control his life (and that’s the nicer of the things he tells people). I call him once a week and when the conversation ultimately goes awry I tell him it’s time for me to go. At this point there isn’t any hope of changing them or their personality. Guilt is an emotion you have to work through but you can limit the time
you spend feeling guilty. Focus on the people and things that make you happy and spend your time with them. You will NEVER make her happy. She has mastered the art of manipulating you and it’s up to you to stop it and preserve your own happiness ( I know…Easier said than done but not impossible).
BIG HUGS to you. 💕
It took me 50 years of marriage to a covert narcissist to come to the conclusion that I could not teach him how to love by loving him. Quite to the contrary, the more I loved him the worse he treated me. I was trained by my mother who was very similar to him, so my whole life I have been destroyed by jealous people. The more they tortured me, the more I needs validation, so I threw myself into my work, and my hobbies. As a result, I became more successful which only made things worse. I waited the 50 years of marriage for my husband to "get it". And now, he has Parkinson's and the perfect excuse to control everyone. He makes it look like he can not care for himself (I do not believe this is true). He started falling down the steps (due to abuse of painkillers I found out after the fact). As a result, as a temporary solution I hired 24/7 caregivers (very expensive). I realized at that point, if I accepted responsibility for him, he still will never "get it", and I have sentenced myself to the rest of my life as his slave. I filed for divorce because he is going to keep caregivers, refuses to go to Assisted Living, until he uses up all his savings. At that point, I realize his wife (me) would have to pay his expenses, thus using up all my savings, leaving me with nothing for when I can no longer care for myself. My kids see only the fake dad, the perfect one, making me look like the evil person. I have lost them, we still see each other, but it is very strained. My advice to you, go no contact. She will destroy you. You deserve better. You will feel the weight is lifted off of you. Don't feel guilty. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. Send cards, and call. Don't go. It is easy to hang up (for the doorbell, or any other excuse) and cards are no contact. Take care of YOU. Someone told me, this is your only life, it is not a dress rehearsal. That is very profound. You only get one life, make it count!
Let her find some friends or companions to keep her company. Send her cards and letters to brighten her day (without you being present). That will alleviate your guilt.
I've always heard that an empty glass can't pour water. Give your self rest, know that you mother has to receive what good people give her, and she doesn't. That's on her.
You are my age and we were raised to love everybody and turn the other cheek. A careful study of the scriptures showed me this (through a good friend). If being around her causes you to sin, then you have to guard your heart. God tells us if something makes us weak, then to avoid it, and in that way, keep peace. Send sweet cards, call now and then, and hang up.
For me, I will never forgetthe day I hung up with my stepmother (like your mom - she used to write me long letters telling me what a rotton mother I was), and I was crying or agitated. My husband noticed. I told him, I love her, but I refuse to let her control me anymore. I forgive her (which releases me), but that doesn't mean I have to be responsible for making her happy. It's very freeing.
At the end of the day, you have honored her the best you could, and you should sleep well at night knowing that. God bless you, and it's hard. But, you can do it.
Pandemic Quarantine!!!
I could not visit her, which meant I did not have to visit her.