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I have vowed not to call my mother in the NH, maybe go to see her no more than once a week and concentrate on rebuilding my life. Lifting out of my deep depression, this morning I'm taking my dogs to the dog park to meet up with friends and this afternoon I'll do some gardening. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've got a way to go yet but I won't give in. You can't put a price on freedom and peace of mind.
As she could no longer manage alone - she has Parkinsons, has had strokes and unknown to me until last year, has had dementia for a number of years - four years ago I gave up my home and career and moved 200km to live in her gloomy cold basement to care for her. I couldn't go anywhere without getting a tirade over something or nothing on my return. The only saving grace was when she could no longer get down the stairs to come after me. My life consisted of cooking, cleaning, waiting on her and being verbally abused at every turn, when I wasn't racing her to hospitals due to increasing falls and injuries. Last September she had a really bad fall at 2.a.m. and was in hospital. It was clear that she needed 24 hour care. I looked at a number of nursing homes and, planning to move into the country, found a lovely one in a small village (she went there in October), bought a wee cottage on 2 acres not far away and moved in after Christmas. In January I broke my toe and for the next 3 months spent all my time running back to the city house to get it cleared and renovated (she never spent a penny on it and it was cosmetically rough) ready for sale. To start with she liked the nursing home but she quickly showed her true colours, being mean, demanding, manipulative and nasty to the staff and other residents and playing people off against each other. I'm all she has and she has no friends - drove away the very few she had over the years.
She's now refusing to eat much because "the food isn't to my liking". I've offered to take her something she'd like but she says she doesn't want it. I've taken her a little fruit which she always loved but she throws it out and screams at me never to bring it again. Two months ago she fell, broke her hip and can't walk any more. Since then she's deteriorated terribly, just skin and bone and even more hateful than ever, I dread calling her because she's so nasty and argumentative and it upsets me for the rest of the day. I've had it up to here and then some.
Yes, you're right, it's guilt because we're supposed to take care of our parents but she flatly refused to lift a finger to take care of hers as it was just too much trouble when she was living in a fancy house nearby, driving an expensive car, shopping for nice clothes and generally having a good time.
I give up. I've promised myself I will not call her or go to see her unless and until she can be pleasant and reasonable (fat chance!) before the stress makes me really ill. I just want to get on with rebuilding my life and enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside with my dogs.
My mother's birthday is on Christmas Day and I don't even want to send her a card for either because of her abuse. She lives two days drive away and I don't plan on going to see her. She is staying at my cousins house. My cousin and I talk frequently. The other day, my cousin told me that she thinks my mother is a little mean.....A little??? I warned my cousin when she wanted my mother to leave the nursing home to come and live with her. My mother needed to be in a skilled care facility and did regain her strength but was unable to return to her house which is a tri level. She had lived alone until last Nov. 2011. Then started falling down and having pain and hospital stays. I was going to bring her to the east coast and she took another fall and I decided the nursing home could keep her there until further notice at my mother being a self paid stay. Medicare only covered a few weeks of skilled care.
I had no brothers or sisters and put up with the abuse all my life. I am 60 in a couple of weeks and didn't realize the abuse until a few years ago. Moreso the past three years as my mother out right insults me terribly. Just thinking about her causes me to feel shaky (like post traumatic stress disorder) at times. I have to change my stream of thoughts to get off the negative things running through my mind. I wanted to get away from her as a teenager. WAnted to join the service to leave home easily and free in costs, and she said that everybody would be talking about me and acusing me of being a queer. This is the type of mother I had. I am reading about other people's mothers, and we all have been through alot.
I truly envy anybody who had a normal and wonderful parental upbringing.
My father is another whole abusive story. They divorced when I was 9 years old.
I know that most of us on this forum could write a book.
My husband and my two grown sons have never witnessed my mother's very mean side. She has, however, shown it to just about everybody else she has encountered.
I never knew my mother was a liar until this past couple of years. I have caught her in so many lies telling me what people have said or done, and then she trips herself and I know that she twisted a story. Very common thing from what I've heard from health care professionals. People want attention and say things to get sympathy.
Good luck to you and others wrestling with this problem. ((((((hugs))))) Joan
I TRIED TO HUG HER SHE SNATCH FROM ME I TOLD HER I LOVE HER SHE SAYS NOTHING BAB CK SHE LOOKS AT ME WITH PURE EVIL ONLY PERSON I WISHED IN MY LIFE IF I COULD HAVE A SECOND CHANCE WOULD BE MY DAD I VE CRIED A DOZEN TIME WISHING I COULD OF LEFT WITH HIM BUT I HAVE SOMEONE HE'S SENT MY 2 GRANDSONS AND 1 MORE GRANDSON ON THE WAY DAD THANKS SOO MUCH FOR TELLING GOD TO SEND ME MORE GRANDSONS I KNOW IT YOU THROUGH SPIRIT
my mother never said she love me i was abuse all my life my brother even abuse me.
im the only daughter my mom has she even want me to put my kids and husband
aside. she was and acoholic i was barley even born she drank while pregnant with me and smoke cigs myfather told me she wished she never had me before he died 2006 he told me this i was lucky to be alive. i have affects from being barley here but thanks to god immaking the best of it being here for my kids grandkids and husbabnd is all it takes to make me a better stronger person happier woman