I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Her dog being so sick, not too long ago. Wearing MIL out beyond any measure of being able to function any longer. My stressing to her that she needs to leave the dog outside more than inside (we live in a wonderful climate, it's not cold here, not rainy), leave the dog outside more, rather than your having to clean up dog-doo in the floor constantly and dog urine (this person who can barely put one foot in front of the other, not to mention bending over which puts her at greater risk of fall). Her b'yard completely privacy fenced.
My suggestion being met with her looking at me like I'd just asked her to leave a small child outside unattended. Telling me "Of course I can't do that, he's my baby". Okay well wear yourself out day and night, .. lack of sleep, etc. Which is what she did do.
Encouraging her to put her dog in her master shower at night (the dog has been known to, .. for reasons none of us ever understood .. not that the dog was ever trained to do so) . has been known to use the shower on occasion for his urinating and defecating. Not every time, .. it's really rather a hit or miss thing .. the dog just does it, .. for reasons none of us ever knew why/how. Encouraging her to make his bed in the shower at night, .. at least he won't awaken you 3 and 4 x's nightly. Again, response from her, like I have 3 heads and citing: "No I could never do that to him, he wouldn't understand, he sleeps with me, in my bed".
SIGH
ooookay, so continue to wear yourself out getting up 3 and 4 x's nightly and all day long, back and forth to the door to let him in and out, and in between cleaning up accidents in the floor, putting yourself at severe risk for fall.
SIL requesting that I bring my childgate over to MIL's house, to cordon the dog off into the kitchen. The expansion of the childgate wouldn't cover the width of her kitchen entrance/exit. And I said so. SIL insistent, .. but the dogs here, when I keep the dogs here for my daughter, the child gate I put up, .. it doesn't attach at either end either, I just lean it up on a couple of chairs and the dogs don't even test it, .. they just see it there and they don't go past it.
My argument to that being, (and I stood my ground) "okay so you want me to stand up a couple of chairs and lean a child gate against it, . who is going to move these chairs .. so that your mother can traverse back and forth between the kitchen and the rest of the house, .. her ...???.... she is a fall hazard, .. she doesn't need to be moving chairs and picking up a child gate ... she has a utility room, right off from the kitchen .. she can cordon the dog off to the utility room, which is tile floor as opposed to the carpeting throughout the rest of the house that she is now constantly having to bend over and cleanup dog doo and urine .. she can cordon the dog in the utility room, but she won't do it .. no .. I'm not bringing a child gate and I don't want to hear another thing about a child gate.
Stupid, silly, ridiculous, assinine ... all of it. But that was SIL trying to manage from afar a situation wherein her mom was wearing herself beyond measure with this care of an ailing dog, yet her mother wouldn't manage things differently. In the end, MIL was worn beyond measure and past going and I had to step in and take the reigns on that whole thing and have the dog seen at the vet and communicate back and forth with the vet while the dog was kept for testing and relay results, etc., to MIL.
Saw that coming.
Or the one before that .. SIL .. I guess, convinced her mom has Celiac disease .. or gluten intolerance, and we need her tested for that. There is no test for that .. and I said so. MIL scheduled for routine lab work anyway, .. SIL wanting her mom tested for that. I took MIL to doc appt .. (an appt that was scheduled anyway) .. but SIL wanting me and MIl to discuss with the doc that maybe she has gluten intolerance, .. and what can we do to find out. The doc's explained that they can look at some of the markers of the results .. and get a reading as to sensitivities, but there is no test. Lab work done, back to the doc for results (which would've occurred anyway, she had a doc appt already and lab results would've required an add'l appt anyway). Back to the doc we go for lab results .. and there it is discussed that indeed she does have sensitivity to gluten products and so should avoid those .. and a list provided of what products are gluten free, and where/how to obtain them, and so forth.
That then necessitated a trip to a specialty grocery store, .. or so MIL indicated, .. she picked up a few items there, and can we go to our normal grocery store, and there .. it looks like General Mills, they have a cereal that is gluten free, and there is a bread there that is gluten free, .. and so can we go ahead and get that. Off we go to the normal grocery and pick up those items.
I bet you can see where this goes.
Next time I'm out there, none of the above being followed. MIL what happened, I thought you were trying to follow gluten free .. ???.... Her response: "Oh I don't do that .. that's too much trouble".
SIGH
Why all the hullaballoo .. if we aren't going to follow through.
So many instances, so so so many of the above.
The dog .. her thinking the dog is allergic to meat products (thus the special order dog food) yet she feeds him from the table, .. if we're having hamburgers, she'll reach down and hand feed him a bite or two of her hamburger .. chicken .. whatever we're having. MIL I thought you had decided your dog is allergic to meats .. thought that's why we've gone with that special order food ... ??.... "Oh I don't know what his problem is, .. I gave up". Oh okay, so thanks for having me go get specialty food that you can't go retrieve because you're too frail and too weak and too this or that ... if he's not allergic and we're going to give him meat products, then feed him whatever you can get from the grocery store .. why all this hullaballoo, I don't have time for all this.
Or, another time, when I did blow a gasket. It was a few years back .. MIL with some symptoms she described as feeling sessions of fading away .. as if she was just going to not breathe any longer, ..not chest pain .. not pressure in her chest .. just ... it felt like, as she described it ... that she was just going to fade away .. and not be among the living any longer. Her describing that she would have to purposely cough, clear her throat, any number of things to bring herself back around, to the living.
Off to the docs .. with that complaint.
After referrals and many other tests, .. we were sent to a cardio doc and many other tests finally determined A-Fib. She was put on a blood thinner.
Ultimately she quit taking it. Which I realize, is common in the elderly. Why? Why did she quit taking it? No real reason other than, "Well you know me, I don't like being given all these pills, this one causes that, and that one causes this and then the next thing you know, you are given another pill for this or that ... I just don't like to take a bunch of pills".
This was found out, after she landed in the hospital .. having begun having those sessions again .. of fading away .. to the tune that she called in the middle of the night, requesting we meet her there, and call an ambulance. Taken to the hospital, admitted, ... and the result. A-Fib.
Which, of course, we already knew.
She'd just quit taking her meds for it.
Fast forward a couple of more months from the hospitalization where it was determined for the 2nd time, A-fib. She is now not taking the meds again. Ask her why, same response. I just don't like to take all these pills. Her daughter, SIL .. actually had the gall to say "I'm not sure she has A-Fib .. where did that determination come from, .. she says they gave her those pills (those pills are blood thinners) .. for A-Fib .. where she'd get that from .. I'm not even sure she has A-Fib.
That one I did blow a gasket having been on that front not once, but 2 x's for that dx .. and SIL still not convinced .. The top of my head blew off ... I told them both to go talk to the cardio doc about the results of going off that med. Always her choice, she doesn't have to take any medicine at all, but there are risks .. and the risks of not doing so .. go find out. They did so, and came away with a clearer understanding for the need to take that medication.
It's very clear, as said above in another post .. nobody is listening to me. Very very clear. I guess, pretty soon, there will be nothing to listen to, .. as I turn my focus on other issues. How'd'ya like me now?
My mother in her late 80s, still living at home, big suburban house, no neighbors home during the day. She had a lawn service and every couple of months, she'd allow SIL's cleaning crew come in a do a deep clean. But that was it. She stopped driving, handed her finances over to my SIL and asked me to come once a week to set up her pill box. At the time, she was on a couple of heart and bp meds and xanax, as needed for anxiety.
One afternoon, mom felt not well. She said later that it felt like the top of her head was going to explode. She picked up her cell phone and for a minute, couldn't figure out how to use it.
She called my Sisiter in law, who worked 30 miles away and said "come". Fortunately, my SIL, being a smart cookie called 911.
My mom's bp was 220 over 120. She was transported the hospital, naturally.
We did not ask mom what she wanted. We did what thinking adults do in an emergency. We called in the professionals.
See if you can get the adults in your family who are related to MIL to think this way. This is no longer about what mom WANTS . Its about what she NEEDS.
Amazing that everyone else gets to do what they want. As far as the annual visit from SILs son - sure, it is a shame that he only gets to visit once a year. But that is their choice. I mean what are you suspose to do - to say? "Sure SIL. I'll be here to do everything for MIL. Maybe I can be there for my daughter the next time she delivers twins".
We're all rooting for you, Dorker!
Well, that changes now.
You have stepped away from the burning house. Whatever happens is NOT on your watch.
Not in reality anyway.
It's going to take something major like a fall, and professionals informing husband and SIL what needs to be done. If and when those meetings happen, please don't show up at them. You've really done your part.
If this doesn't tell all of you, everything you need to know. Now, don't get me wrong, I love dogs just as much as the next person. Owned a beautiful yellow lab that was my baby for 15 years. I haven't gotten back into the dog business. Mostly because I'm glad to be shed of responsibilities of children and pets, not eager to return to that front. But I do love dogs .. very much so.
All along in all of this whole scenario, once we learned twins would be arriving on the scene here. I stressed, to all involved, that it's likely daughter will experience some complications towards the end and/or ordered to best rest .. and should that occur, that I will be spoken for. I've shouted it from the rooftops, all along the way.
In that, I also urged to SIL .. who is also the primary caregiver in all this, when she is in town .. and when not in town, via phone, from afar. I stressed to her that it would probably be best if she could plan to be here in town, around this time so that I could focus where I need to, on my daughter and g'daughter and the twins when they arrive.
It turned out she can't .. her son, .. who lives on the other side of the globe, will be visiting at around this time . he and his family. Her son has to take his vacation when he can get it, has to do so, when his kids are out of school, etc etc. So be it. Not optimal, but it is what it is.
BUT THEN ...........
Originally SIL had indicated she would enjoy her son and his family for the 3 + weeks they'd be here, and then would return here .. to look after her mother.
BUT THEN ..........
SIL's grown daughter, also lives in the city where SIL lives. Her grown daughter put in that she needs SIL to watch her dogs for a week. SIL's grown daughter has 3 dogs. 1 large breed, and two that are tiny. Grown daughter travels a lot (recreational). Grown daughter has a b'friend that does something or other with the NBA .. and so he travels with teams .. to away games ... and so she goes .. if it's a location where there can be some fun to be had. Grown daughter has a very flexible job that allows her time off, almost anytime she wants it (lucky her). And so when her b'friend ... most recently they were in San Fran .. and I guess there she could stay at some 5 star resort .. and so off she went, SIL watching the dogs for her. Another time, .. they were to go to LA .. again .. some posh resorts nearby .. off she went ... and so SIL watching the 3 dogs for her grown daughter. Essentially a lot of weekends .. at least during NBA training and playoff season ... she is off and gone .... with her b'friend. SIL watching her dogs.
Grown daughter petitioned SIL that (poor poor pitiful her) she and her b'friend never get to spend more than just a wknd together .. because of his work .. because of her work. That they want to take an extended vacation together, and so could SIL watch her dogs. SIL agreed to stay home and do so.
THAT .. is when (along with other factors) I dug in my heels and thought, "okay count me out of all this, .. the day and hour that I'm supposed to run on the treadmill to care for my daughter and g'children and your mom, while you make it a priority to stay home and *DOG SIT* knowing full well that I'm down here with the focus on my issues .. and I suppose you think it okay that you put your mom and her issues on me too, so you can DOG SIT .................nope".
As you can see ... I am completely justified at this point in backing away .. and that is precisely what I will be doing.
Your husband and SIL are so afraid to get their mom upset. What happens when she DOES get upset? Does she scream and yell?
Monitor your phone very carefully when you are at your daughter's house. Don't answer any calls from you MIL or SIL.
MIL may fall and injure herself. Prepare for the family story to be that it was your fault.
Here is the cliff notes version of what would be said by each party involved, and I'm still left holding the bag:
MIL: "Now you all musn't worry with me, I know what I must do here, .. and I will manage, I will be fine".
Only she doesn't "manage". Her "independence" is not so "independent", thus all the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth on my part.
SIL: "Oh she's so stubborn you know how she is .... she just won't come stay with me for a while, she won't do it, .... and she won't allow outsiders to help, she's so stubborn".
To which I counter, no one has seen, .. yet .. how stubborn I can be. Just sit back and watch. Pop the popcorn.
Husband: "I understand her plight, she wants to remain in her own home .. and I feel for her, I would too, .. we'll just pitch in, .. we'll all do what we can to help her ... I don't want to make her have to leave her home".
Me, countering the above with my husband "What do you think we have been doing for the last 14 years?!?!!? MOSTLY ME .......... not you ............. until your sister comes here and runs like a race-horse the entire time she's here .. from the time her feet hit the front door, til she steps on the plane to leave.. what do you think WE have been doing??!?!?! There's no "WE" to it .. there is ME ... unless your sister is here. Yes, you go when the fence gets blown down, or a light bulb blows out, or there is yard debris scattered about from a windstorm, .. or the sprinkler in the irrigation system breaks, .. or there is a leak on a plumbing line .. you go .. but who do you think does the MYRIAD of a million other things? NO .. there is no longer an option of "Well I feel for her, and I understand her plight".
THAT is the withering pressure I'd be up against, as an in law .. in the face of a conference call. No need to even waste my breath/efforts.
Actions will have to do the job in this matter. They will all see, . that there is a difference in what I am stepping up to do from here forward. I have warned my husband .. explaining to him that it really angered me, this latest .. that she would "refuse" to go stay with her daughter for a period of time to insure her own well being and safety .. and that she is allowed to "refuse" that as an option. That it angered me when she forbid her daughter to line up outsiders as stand-ins, in case. I have warned my husband there will be a difference going forward. And they will see, via action. That will speak louder than words.
All parties involved are aware where my energies and priorities are going to be, upcoming, with the arrival of twin g'children. All give lip service to the fact that I am right to do so .. and .. none seem to foresee the possible peril that I see. So .. let the chips fall where they may.
Was very telling that while SIL was here .. she was taking MIL back and forth to numerous doc appts. One of which was to do something or other with venous insufficiency in her legs. MIL suffers from terrible edema in her lower extremeties .. and a doc mentioned venous insufficiency. Off they went to a vein doc .. where it was determined, something or other can be zapped as to the veins not working properly and that should (miraculously) cure her swollen lower extremities .. and negate her need for taking Lasix to lesson the above dilemma. Nevermind that MIL, probably like a lot of others her age, .. has CHF. I would suspect a lot do, at her age, . to varying degrees. So, .. okay .. you guys wanna have veins in her lower extremities zapped to solve that .. ooookay .... let's hope you're all correct. I see snake oil salesmen is what I see here. But whatever.
As part of that whole series of procedures to remedy the insufficient veins in her lower legs .. there are numerous visits back and forth.
Mind you I have been nothing but clear, to all parties involved, that my world is ratcheting up at this point, and likely to get a whole lot more occupied. Daughter now directed to stay off her feet as much as possible, which necessitates I take the 4 year old, a LOT .. which I'm doing. Helping daughter, who is pregnant .. and ordered to stay off her feet, with errands she needs ... my world is a whole lot busier with that priority than has been the case in times past, and I warned all involved, all along the way that this is likely what it will look like .. and it is actually looking about like I predicted it would.
So .. with the above vein procedures ongoing. SIL asks me, "Hey it looks like the last follow up visit for this vein procedure stuff, it will be after I've left to return home, is there any way you could get mom to that appointment".
How could she even ask, I have been nothing but plain about where my energies are spent these days.
My answer was a resounding no. I can't commit to doing that, perhaps you could line up that neighbor who has been so gracious to offer to help and/or her housekeeper that has also offered to help. The answer SIL gave to that: "Oh maybe I'll talk to one of them .. but I can't let her know I've done that, she'll have a fit".
I didn't argue with her. The bottom line is I can't do it, I can't commit to that. That's all that needed to be said on my part, as far as I was concerned.
Fast forward a few days and she mentioned it again, her concern that her mother will struggle, with that specific area of town (lots of traffic at all hours of the day in that location) .. and that maybe she should try to move it to their other office, but that the person she needs to see is only available on Tuesdays at the other location .. and there is a "window" of time that she needs to be seen for this follow up and so the concern there.
I questioned, "did you speak to the neighbor or the housekeeper as to getting her there?". Answer given: "She won't let me .. I offered to see if I could get their assistance, and she demands that I leave it alone, that she will manage".
I said nothing more. Not stepping up to the plate myself, .. so you two figure it out. You're worried about her getting there in one piece .. and I've offered solutions .. solutions you obviously deem not workable, .. so you two figure it out. I'm out. And I have stayed out of that equation and intend to do just that.
Last night, just in chatting with SIL long distance .. just idle chit chat .. I asked her, "hey when you were just here, did you guys pick up any of that really good Probiotic that your mom needs from time to time, .. if not .. might be a good idea she make a trip out that way and get some, I sure won't be able to get it for her".
The primary care doctor that MIL sees .. he has a nutritional supplement portion of his business in a side bldg. MIL has diverticulitis and has frequent flare ups. When those flare ups occur .. she is generally put on an antibiotic .. and for her, and her temperamental gut, the probiotics are essential. She takes one daily anyway .. bought from a health food store .. but when she is put on an antibiotic .. she has to have the really good (expensive) ones from her primary care doctors office ... for the duration she is on an antibiotic.
Thus the question as to whether they thought to get some of those on hand .. just in case she should get sick.
SIL's answer: "No, we didn't even think about that, but I know she has a doc appt on the 20th .. at her cardio doc around the corner from there ... maybe she could scoot into the primary care doc's office, same day and pick some up, but I don't know, it seems like two places for her, in one day .. seems too much for her to handle".
I wanted to scream, "BUT SHE WILL MANAGE REMEMBER .. she knows what she needs to do and she will manage".
I didn't .. scream .. I merely responded, "well if it's too much for her in one day .. maybe she can go back down there another day on that special mission ..
SIL: "Maybe .. seems so hard for her to be able to manage much".
THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE IN ALL OF THIS.
I wish that a conference call would help get everyone on the same page and take my word for what it is. It won't. But actions will, .. it will come, when they see that my having promised my unavailability .. actually comes to fruition.
I can relate so much to the grocery store tales! My mother has taken 1.5 hours to get TEN items at Kroger. She, too, wants to stop and talk to everyone she meets. She doesn't remember where things are in the store, and often forgets how to insert her credit card into the machine at checkout. There are all sorts of rules and rituals -- she slowly goes through her coupons (gotta save that 50 cents!), weighs the heads of lettuce, checks every box for nutritional information (fearful of Vitamin B6, because she's convinced she had Vitamin B6 toxicity and then there's fear of fat), every box/bag must have the latest possible sell-by date, etc. I must reach to the very back of the dairy case to get the milk in the back. And there is the frozen foods case. She can take a very long time looking at all of the Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones. (That's all she eats for dinner.) The constant complaint that Kroger has stopped making their 2% cheddar cheese. Fat content must be scrutinized for everything.
My mother needs assistance with showering. She hasn't asked me to do that yet (other than when I had to stay with her for 8 days and nights because she was nearly helpless from a strained back and neck; I won't be doing THAT again), but has mentioned that because of her neuropathy in her feet that it's difficult to climb out of the tub.
But she's not to the point to hire some help. She's also not to the point of hiring a cleaning service. So I guess she's down on her knees scrubbing and also vacuuming. (She told the PT last year it was hard for her to vacuum.) I will not do these things for her because of her obsessive need to micromanage every detail. I guess it will take a fall.
I fear that even if she were to live in AL, that I would be expected to take her to doctor appointments. Of course I've now been ordered to wait in the waiting room at these appointments, because she doesn't want the doctors talking to me. (Although I have a HIPAA release, she is angry that doctors will talk to me and not her.) She has rules for going to medical appointments, also. If there's an elevator, someone must leap into the elevator to press the Door Open button so that she doesn't panic that the doors will shut on her. She will sometimes get turned around in the medical building and not know which way to go (it's actually very simple). So how are these things accommodated when there's a van for medical appointment drop-offs?
She places no value on my time. Just this past weekend, I was told that once again when she put on one of her crying/shaking routines when I DARED to suggest that my least-involved brother (who went for FIVE years without seeing my parents one time!) do the research for the fall alert systems.
(The backstory on this is that I was expected to do all sorts of research on fall alert devices and then she would choose. Sound simple enough? Well, not exactly. She would endlessly ponder the various options, trying to get the cheapest one. This would involve constant phone calls to me, because she wouldn't remember that she'd called. I'm the free local call, whereas when she calls my brothers she uses her tracphone and so is charged -- yes, she has a card with a lot of minutes, but she is so tight with her money that she watches the minutes.)
Who knows when she will actually get around to getting the fall-alert system. Just last week she had to press the life alert button (they called me) because she was sitting in her recliner and the room tilted and her vision went blurry. (I called 911, and the resulting ER visit found nothing.) This was the most severe of the "dizzy spells" that she's had, and I had wondered if she was having some kind of stroke.
I told her that if she'd been standing up and it happened, that she would have fallen (hence the emphasis on needing a fall alert system where she wouldn't have to press a button). But later in the week she informed me that she wouldn't have fallen if she was upright; that she would have been able to catch herself. NOT TRUE. She has no vision in one eye, lots of balance issues, neuropathy in her feet.
She HAS a life-alert button (Great Call), and she needs to just upgrade to one with fall alert detection. But she wants to shop around. I am not participating in the shopathon. My brothers need to work on her to get going on getting the fall-alert option.
It would just be a repeat for me of all the angst when she decided to switch from cable TV to DirectTV. (And now I hear that after her 2-year contract with DirectTV is up, that she will probably be switching back to cable.) We had to get involved with service calls to set up DirectTV (put a halt to the technician wanting to put wires through her windows). She has no concept of how much of our time she uses sometimes. I told her not to bother switching to DirectTV, but she wanted to save money for that first year's come-on rate. Interesting that now she tells OTHERS not to bother switching.
I'm just the daughter whose knowledge and time she discounts. She knows best all the time, and she must be obeyed. She can get very nasty when countered. For my own mental health, I keep as much distance as possible.
Has she had a stroke? Has she been evaluated for vascular dementia?
Would that help everyone understand better what is going on?
That isn't really in question. What is in question is who should be providing the help. It doesn't have to be you; and to be blunt it ought not to be you. You actually don't have what your MIL needs.
Rather than roll your eyes at MIL's lack of time management skills, which at this point is a bit like tutting over her poor performance in the 100m sprint, fold your arms and refuse to attempt to provide support that you have neither the time nor the expertise to provide.
As long as you continue to step in and do the job as well as you can, which is not and simply cannot be well enough, MIL has zero incentive to accept professional help and your husband and SIL will carry on "coping". Of course they will. The only downside they see of it is the stress.
So stop. Your husband and SIL need to get the message that their mother needs more than you can offer, and *they* need to sort it out.
And your reliable performance as human shield and hand-maid for Queen Mum is his comfort zone. Has been for decades.
Now....remove yourself from the foreground, and hubby is no longer idling in the background. Yikes!
When you maintain the status quo of mind-reader/taxi driver/order-taker, hubby gets less noise from mom and sis.
When you back off, hubby will get an earful of woe and "what-if"s that are outside his current role of handyman and lawn care.
The moment you relinquish the hamster wheel of Mom's "independence," hubby will need new scripts and new boundaries. Brace yourself for a learning curve. 😯
Your MIL sounds so much like my mom in regards to the errands and talking - and concept of time but especially in the manipulation of "while we're out..." and "I'll buy lunch" said in the sweetest, meek voice. Then the killer guilt "well, if you don't have time". It's seriously freakishly scary!
Seriously, back when I was running my mother all over Gods green earth, Rainman was still in school and rode the school bus home. I was constantly worried I wouldn't make it home in time and some moron bus driver would let him out without me being there to meet him. It did actually happen once but luckily I was home - just not outside yet - but the moron driver didn't know that. Just let Rainman off on the street at the end of our drive. Rainman functions at about a 2yr old level. Hence, part of the reason for the anxiety meds I wound up taking the last year my mom was still alive!
On a lighter note - AgingCare should publish a book with our stories. Proceeds going to some sort of caregivers crisis fund.
Do this.
Now dorker, a heads-up for you. If you have this conference call and anyone (including your husband) is all full of "yes, but" and excuses, do not back down. Do. Not. Back. Down.
Be firm. Be kind. Be calm. And don't back down! This convo will throw them for a loop. Even if (in the past) they have periodically paid lip service to appreciating you, they don't. They take you for granted.
Jeezus, 12 hours a week just for the shower. Plus the painfully slow errands. Plus the crisis calls. Plus the long-distance hysterical orders from Cyrano de Bergerac on the other side of the country. Outrageous!
MIL owns you. And she has had no impetus to behave differently. Until now.
Be ready for these people -- who supposedly have your best interests at heart -- to be gobsmacked by your common-sense assertions and solutions. Be ready for your husband to, um, defend the wrong woman during this convo.
They can respect you or reject you. It's that simple. Don't let them turn it into anything else. And respect or reject, you will walk out of the convo with a new lease on YOUR free time and a new agenda as a grandmother. (And a wife. If your husband is interested.)
Big hugs! Keep your eye on the prize. And keep your words and actions aligned with the outcome that you want. And deserve.
You arrive at 8:30 to pick her up for a doctor appointment scheduled for 9:30 and first off you are accosted for arriving SO EARLY. But right off, you see, she is still in PJ's, the dog hasn't been fed, she is still eating (moving it around as she talks non-stop, incessantly) her b'fast cereal. The dog hasn't been out.
You know, it will take her forty forevers to do all the above. So you hop in, let the dog out, go ahead and start putting away the b'fast doings (cereals, fruit, juice), and try to prod her along ... and then let the dog in and feed him .. and prod her again and again.
She finally finishes eating, after having sat and moved the cereal around in her bowl non stop talking and talking and talking (all while you are repeatedly pointing at the clock and what time it is, prodding her). She finally finishes .. you snatch up the bowl, go ahead and wash the dishes for her, while she now heads .. at her snail's pace, towards the back . .. to ready herself, .. only .. she then stops to pick up a magazine to now bring it back into the kitchen (at her snail's pace) and show you this article she read about a vacation spot and when she went there back in the 70's and how nice it was, and that we would really enjoy it. Still, prodding her along ...
Finally you leave, for what as a 9:30 appointment, at 9:15, knowing full well it will take at least 30 minutes to get there. SIGH SIGH SIGH
STRESS!!!!!!!!!
Or, at the grocery .. or errands, you tell her in no uncertain terms, "ok MIL, I have to be complete here by 1:00 PM, because I have to do thus and so, so let's get going".
You go to the grocery, she stops to chat up any/everyone along the way .. all the while the clock is ticking. You remind her repeatedly, "I really have got to get done here, I have to be at so and so by 1:30 and we still have to get home and get your groceries put away ... we have got to finish here". She will respond, "oh yes, yes, you're right, you know I am so slow".
Yes, you are slow, and that's to be expected, but you don't have to stop and talk to every single living thing that breathes.
Absolutely 0 ability anymore at time management.
And add-ons. You go, having been asked, to take her to the bank, .. so you pick her up and follow that agenda. While at the bank, "would you mind if we run by the pet store across the way there, I need to get so and so for my dog". SIGH. Okay sure (but remember, .. I could run in and get so and so for the dog in 5 mins, and be done, .. not her .. see above, chat up every living breathing thing .. and move at a snail's pace). So that too, taking too long .. and you finish with that, (now you've already told her before you set out to do anything for the day what your agenda is, and your time constraints, so you find yourself repeatedly reminding her, which makes you feel mean and impatient) .. then she wants to know can we go grab a bite of lunch out somewhere, . that she'll buy ... and so .. feeling sorry that she gets out so rarely, you agree to same .. and then she wants to know if we have time .. "I know you said you needed to do thus and so", do you have time to run by the library, there is a book on hold for me, if we could just run in and grab that one book (she doesn't RUN anywhere). You offer, 'Sure, it's just up the road, but let me just run in and grab it". The answer: "Well if you don't have time, I'll get it another day ... I want to look around a bit".
GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
No ability at time management. None, zilch.
So my mom lived in IL in a huge retirement community. And yes, the frickin" public library did have a gigantic "book mobile" that parked in the lot directly in front of moms building (imagine my voice rising in hysteria as you read this). And for three frickin years I tried almost every frickin month to get her to use the book mobile.
Mom - "but I want to be able to order specific books".
Me - "you can still order specific books. Here is the order form and they will bring the book to your apartment door".
Mom - "I won't know when they're coming".
Me - "here is their calendar. I'll transfer all the dates to your calendar and hi-lite them". Mom lived and breathed by her calendar.
Mom - "what if I'm not here when they are and I can't return my book. I don't want to pay a fine".
Me - "mom, unlike the regular library, they let you keep the book as long as you'd like".
Mom - "noooo - I just would rather you take me".
Me - "yeah, I bet you would, you manipulating hag". Okay, I didn't say that.
So after years of trying to get her to use the book mobile - I gave up. But I also told her she would need to find a ride from someone else because I didn't have five hours to spend at the library. Did I mention she wouldn't go to the branch that was ONE MILE from her apartment? Nope. I had to drive her to the branch in her old neighborhood- that was twenty miles away!
But here's the punch line. About three months after I refused to take her anymore, I see a book in her apartment with the order form from - you guessed it - the frickin book mobile! I say -"I see you decided to used the book mobile afterall." She says "oh yes, it's a wonderful service that your aunt Karen told me about!"
So you see, Dorker - I completely understand what your dealing with. And yes, my mom would talk to anyone she could corner everywhere she went. To make matters worse, the topic of her monologue was always her latest ailment. I'd try to look like I wasn't with her...
1. Make it clear that you are taking your "FMLA leave" and they cannot be calling you. MIL can call her daughter or son. Tell MIL a little white lie: that you will have to keep your phone off so it doesn't bother the babies;)
2. It should be a non-negotiable that your MIL wears her medical alert button. Ask her "Who's going to feed the dog or let her out to potty if you are down on the floor for 14 hrs?" If she can't do that, she'll be shipped to her daughter's. Remind her the button people will call her son and daughter before they call 911.
3. Tell them you are doing a test run of this starting NOW, for 3 days, with the button. If she does fine, great. If not, sister-in-law comes and gets her.
It is hard to look like the bad guy, but you can probably do it if you tell yourself it's just for a few days. If she can handle it, then good, you can keep the new system. If not, then she doesn't have an excuse not to go to sister-in-law's.
I empathize with you guys -- I know it's really hard to be in that in-between area financially where she doesn't qualify for extra help but she needs more than she can afford. It is really hard to just turn your back and turn off your feelings. But in this situation, you and your SIL have gone to lengths already to help her stay in her home, and just want her to be safe! Maybe your husband can reiterate to her: doing a test run will help you, him, SIL, and granddaughter all feel better knowing she will have back-up help if she needs it; that you need to know she will be ok while you are helping your daughter.
I hope you can find something workable soon.
Please just step away.
There is an unhealthy dynamic in this family (your husband may be completely unaware of it).
You are being set up. You really need to make yourself unavailable in a big way.
Just saying "no" can be really hard. But it really is a complete sentence.
So, my mom had increased anxiety due to mild cog. impairment, which we didnt know about. We all work. We all have families.
After three days of "emergencies" I said to mom "I can't do this anymore"
She said
"what can't you do?" I said "respond to emergencies that could be taken care of in other ways. I need to be at work. So does brother. He will have a heart attack and die responding to your "emergencies". Thats what got her..brother dying.
We moved her to IL. But the thing is, you have to refuse to participate in the circus. It is not your responsibility to step in to care for her if she is refusing available supports.
MIL also uses it as a social outlet. She will chat up anyone she encounters. As if it doesn't take long enough, just the slow pace she has to move. But then for her to stop and chit-chat with anyone that will give her their time.
What would take me about 20 minutes to dash through and grab the items needed, generally takes about 2 hours with her along. And no, I'm not stretching the truth. It takes that long!
It is enough to make you pull your hair out. The library, just like above. Takes forever. Yes, MIL has a Kindle, but she doesn't like it.
I wish there was a senior service in our area (there isn't, I've ck'd .. that would bring a mobile library around to seniors (think a big RV outfitted with walls of books).
There are senior vans that take seniors to doc appointments, grocery stores, etc etc etc. But .. that too, MIL shuns, (of course). She may not by the time I back away from it all.
Please, please, oh please, start standing up for yourself and tell SIL "NO!" I don't blame MIL as much - they get old, lonely and scared - and therefore start to take advantage whether to continue to live "independently" or just to have someone around to talk to and make them feel safe - which still feeds into the "independent" illusion.
Shame on SIL! Why is it MIL won't at least move to live near her - even if she doesn't want to live with her?
BTW - you would not believe how long my mother could make a trip to the grocery store last. Yes, up and down every frickin' isle "in case I forgot to put something on the list". And the library? Forget about it! That one I had to put my foot down on. It was enough to make me want to blow my head off!
But, I found that the less we did for her, the more she did for herself. And afterwards, she would brag about that, feeling really proud.
So, maybe you stepping back will be a good thing for everyone! !
Subsequent to that, SIL had petitioned that MIL is now afraid to shower alone, fear she will fall. Not that she needed help to bathe, just .. didn't want to be alone, in case she fell in the shower. SIL then petitioned (from long distance) about her mother fearing another fall, and could we take turns on this end, going to sit, while she showers. She doesn't shower daily, but at least 3 x's a week. We dutifully began that course of sitting in her bedroom, while she went into the dressing room, and bathroom, to shower. And would sit and wait. Taking turns, between my husband, myself, and one of our daughters.
Both of my daughters work retail, so their schedules vary greatly. Just because they're off on Tuesday this week, doesn't by any stretch mean that every Tuesday they're off. Not by a long shot. So setting anything in stone, .. as to this rotation, was impossible.
Soon it evolved that it had been 3 days since she'd showered, neither of daughters off and/or available, nor hubby, and so it would fall on me, repeatedly. Not only that, once there, MIL would (she is lonely, but that too, no one's fault but her own, there are senior centers, church affiliated groups, neighbors, etc. .. she fails to engage in any of it, her wishes). Soon, it evolved into a visit, 3 x's weekly wherein she would sit and talk/visit with me, for a couple of hours, and THEN .. go get a shower, and only those who've had to accompany elderly folks understand the snail's pace they move at.
It was a matter that I was spending 4 hours there, 3 x's weekly, merely for shower sitting, .. and then on other days .. we'd do errands ... take her to a doc appointment, go get her rx's, help her with getting dog to the vet, take her to the library, stop by the dept. store for some more of the makeup she prefers, take her to the grocery, a list a mile long.
Because I'm unable to set anything in stone, due to the fact that demands on my time, helping my husband with our own small business, and/or helping watch my g'daughter on days that one of my daughter works. I found I was there, 5 and 6 x's weekly.
That's when I told SIL .. (who seems to be the go between in all of this), .. this isn't working. If she needs to have someone there, fearing for her safety while she showers, then we need to enlist the aid of a home health staff. We need to have the doc write an order for same, I can't keep doing this.
Miraculously, that need perished. Never to be mentioned again.
MIL casually mentioned in passing that she doesn't feel as unsteady anymore, and so we wouldn't need to keep coming for her to shower. Hmmm???
Was interesting recollecting that, as a time that I did take a stand, .. and it did work out, in the end. Maybe, .. having forgotten about that, .. maybe, just maybe, that is what it will take going forward.
I don't mind doing for MIL were she to have a procedure rendering her unable to drive, .. anesthetized for instance. Or as was the case most recently, she'd stepped on a toothpick the wrong way, and the wound site ended up infected, and had to be cleaned out and so her ability to walk, which isn't real good on a good day, was now much more compromised. I assisted with getting her to and fro, and getting her situated back at home, and an rx . I don't mind pitching in, in those type scenarios.
However, coming up shortly, I won't even really be available, for a while, to do even that. And therein is what initiated this whole thread.
But I will figure a way to recite the words that I need to say (mostly to SIL who directs from afar as to the *needs/wants* on this end).
But don't let that stop you!
It's time to establish boundaries, set limits and make changes. You said so yourself. 👍🏼
At the rate this old bag is going, she'll outlive you. Self-preservation NOW.
(You might have covered this already.... but if SIL is so in tune with MIL, why can't MIL be shipped out to live near her? You & hubby and/or MIL will be screwed by the reverse mortgage whether MIL dies in her house or leaves it. And it's not like MIL will miss her friends and neighbors; she shunned all that so she can devote herself to being your/hubby's simpering parasite. I vote for MIL and SIL to continue their "terms of endearment" 1,000 miles from YOU. It would be a godsend for your marriage. And for your grandparenting years.)
Your MIL may be throwing you under the bus in order for her to maintain her lifestyle - but it seems that your SIL is behind the wheel.
BarbBrooklyn touched on the very core of this issue - the charade of independence. Unfortunately, many elders are more than willing to throw their adult children under the bus so they can live as they want - under the illusion they are living "independently" when there is nothing independent about it. It comes at the expense of your lifestyle and your independence to make it happen.
In my opinion, the price you are now facing - time and memories that are irreplaceable with your daughter and her children - it is just too high. Not when there are options.
I'm not shooting down what has been advised. Only expressing the difficulties faced. I see that others have weathered this storm and worse.
It is apparent at this point, that I will be the one that changes things. Hard for me to do. I am, generally speaking, a jump in get it done, caring person. To a fault. But the situation is obviously not going to change, until I change it.
Finding the fortitude to do just that, will be my challenge.
MIL has at her disposal .. any number of phone numbers for folks she can call on (refuses to do so). But the information is at her fingertips, and has been all along. It's not generally, btw, MIL calling, it's her daughter ... wanting help for her mother (from long distance). Generally, MIL, insistent, "I can do this". But if you call and ask her, having been prompted by daughter (long distance) .. "Hi MIL, I was talking to your daughter and she mentioned you have a doctor appointment tomorrow and that you also need to run by so and so department store, and if we could possibly run to get some groceries for you, and I'm sure pick up your rx's .. that it would be helpful to you, do you need me to help with that". The answer is "yes", always.
Passive/aggressive, as someone else said. Out of one side of her mouth, "I can do this, I know what I have to do, and I will manage". Out of the other side of her mouth, me having been prompted by her daughter who is 1k miles way, she accepts help.
SIL: "Mother orders that special dog food, and she is just not strong enough these days, to get in the car and go get it, would you mind picking that up at the vet, and bringing it to her, and on your way ... if you wouldn't mind, .. ck with her, she said she's out of milk, bread .. and she needs maybe some fruit, if you'd check with her".
These kinds of things, generally speaking, come from SIL .. not necessarily MIL.
My challenge will be to learn and recite it often, "your mom says she will manage, .. she is fine, she can do this, .. let her. No, I won't be going to pick up her dog food, or her groceries .. no. Maybe she will feel stronger tomorrow, or the next day".
And recite that often.
Not 2nd nature to me, at all.