I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
It sounds like MIL has Mild cognitive impairment, at the least if not dementia.
Just step away. Let this all play out without your participation. Have fun with your daughter, granddaughter and the twins!
I can realize/recognize that.
Now figuring out how to *let it go* and get to that other side.
That too, went unheeded (of course).
SIL when just here, took her to the DMV to renew her DL. No driving test required I guess in this state, just a vision exam, which she did pass.
She does still drive. I don't know that she should be driving .. but I haven't ridden with her to honestly say that is true.
Maybe roleplay in your mind how that conversation is going to go.
I take it your D is local, correct? Didn't you say that you will be at her house during the day and come home to sleep in your own home? What happens if there are MIL crises then? Will you go over to her house in the evenings?
There will be many "crises" with MIL during the time you are helping your D with her newborns. Look at it this way - by the time you come out of this period at the other end, one way or another there will be a way that SIL and your H have figured out how to get the necessary care for your MIL.
Suppose she takes a fall, breaks something, then goes to the hospital and then rehab. Would she refuse to go to rehab? If so, then what? And what happens if she needs more care than she has now after she's out of rehab (assuming that she goes there)? If The Queen decides she will stay in her home, will her S and D let her have her way? Something to think about.
(I hope you've never cleaned up after her dog. That sounds disgusting. She shouldn't have a dog.)
SIL could have asked mom to measure the width of her doorway (or asked you to measure the width of the doorway -- after all, you're there 144 times a week). Then SIL could have ordered the CORRECT d*mm childgate on Amazon and had it delivered to Queen Mum's house. Then your hubby could have "saved the day" with a 6-minute errand to install it.
But noooooo. It had to about your time and your inconvenience. And such nerve -- asking you to take the childgate out of your own house -- as the latest offering to Queen Mum.
In fact, jack*ss SIL should order Queen Mum's special probiotics and supplements and gluten-free snackies and special-needs dog food etc etc etc etc etc on Amazon and have it delivered to Queen Mum's house.
But noooooo. Every dipsh*t thing that crosses SIL's mind has to be YOUR next errand. She is a narcissist jerk. By way of nature and nurture.
These people are hopeless. "The new you" is going to be a TREMENDOUS uphill battle. And totally worth doing. As you've noticed, no one else gives a crap about your sanity. Stick to your plan, Dorker. 👍🏼
I did refuse .. way back when ... SIL, when she comes here, her favorite grocery store is Trader Joe's. She absolutely loves that store. Where she lives, there is one right around the corner. Here, however, .. it is not right around the corner. Not for me. It's about 30 mins from where I live, and another 20 minutes in the direction to go to MIL's. SIL was harping forever, that we should get MIL and go to TJ's .. that we should try to do that ... on and on and on. Finally put a halt to that. I don't have time to make a special trip to that specific store .. she has a grocery store (major chain store) right around the corner from her house and that will have to suffice. Finally got her to quit harping on that topic .. it's not gonna happen. If her mother, who still drives, would like to take herself to TJ's and go meander around, knock yourself out ... but for me ... not going to happen.
As to the question of what would happen should MIL fall ill, or take a nasty fall. Rehab?/Hospital? Only thing I can answer to that is from prior experience. I know her well enough to know that she will, almost at all cost, .. avoid any of the above "institutions" like the plague.
In fact, the last time MIL was so ill, .. (she has flare ups, quite routinely with her diverticulitis). This was a couple of months ago. She was very sick, off to the doc we went. There, they began to talk about a CT scan . which we would have to head in a different direction to do, they wanted a urinalysis from her .. on the scene .. if possible, if not, they'd give us a specimen container, and I could bring it back to them .. they talked of wanting lab work done, .. of course, another stop along the way. MIL began to cry .. that she can't do all that ... she isn't able. The doc then suggested, "We can send you right across the street if you like, to the ER .. there they can do all the above .. and unless we find something wrong, you can go home". She heard that last part, "unless they find something wrong, and honed in on that". Her response, as she was crying ... "I can't do that, .. they will keep me, I am NOT staying in the hospital". It took some convincing on my part and that of the doctor, .. that no .. this isn't so they can keep you, now if they find something wrong ... an abscess or something with this diverticulitis .. then yes, .. they may have to keep you ... but this is so that all the above can be done in one setting, rather than running hither and yon for all these different tests. Finally convinced her, and so across the street we went, to the hospital/ER. There, she told everyone she encountered ... "I am not staying here, .. now you all figure out what you need to, and then cut me loose out of here".
She will avoid hospitals/rehab locations, at almost any cost. So what would happen in the event she fell ill, and/or took a nasty fall? Usually, in the past, .. there has been "me" on the forefront .. absent SIL's presence here in town. And in the event there has been a nasty fall, .. and her mobility further compromised .. or if she's gotten too ill with yet another flare up of her diverticulitis ... or some other malady, generally, .. I stay during the day and husband stays during the night, until she is nursed back to health.
That won't be status quo as we move forward here. I want to, it's my wish.... focus my energies on our daughter who is expecting twins, (yes D is local) and her daughter (my 4 yo g'daughter there) .. and the twins when they arrive. That is what my "want" is here. Those are moments that I won't get back .. and so that is what I intend to do.
So yes, role play as to what typically occurs and how it will be handled. Typically I would get a call from SIL ... 1K miles away .. "you know it sounds like mom is sick again, .. she's got diarrhea again .. and she's had several accidents ... she's struggling to wash her bed sheets ... I told her we need to get her seen at the doc's office, .. do you think you could get her there .. she's probably too weak to do it herself, .. and I wonder .. you know, she probably doesn't even have the stuff on hand for like a BRAT diet .. and she's probably too weak to get to the grocery ... do you think you'd have some time to go pick up some things at the grocery store .. she needs like applesauce, maybe some of those Pedialyte packs that you mix with water .. she seems to do okay with those .. I don't know how many she has left .. maybe if she's out of bread .. some bread so she can make dry toast .. that kinda thing, do you think you have some time to run go get those things for her, oh and make sure she has some eggs .. once she begins to be okay she always likes maybe a scrambled egg with her dry toast, .. and some potatoes .. she can usually begin to stomach a dry baked potato eventually .. oh and sweet potatoes do you think maybe a couple of those .. and maybe just some of those canned peas .. and some pears .. just bland stuff .. and I'll see if I can't get an appt for her at the doctor.
Generally, in the past, I hop right in, and off we go. Onto the mission at hand. This is a true portrayal of how it generally goes.
So how will it play out now, now that I've warned my husband (who is dam&ed oblivious to it all, .. yes he goes when there is handyman stuff .. but he is clueless as to all the other millions of things .. absolutely clueless .. and telling him .. I might as well talk to a wall). So how will it play out now that I am spoken for and can't "hop right in" .. I suppose I will say something resembling. "I can't possibly do that SIL ... I'm up to my eyeballs here with a daughter who has just had major surgery, and two brand new newborns ... no, .. maybe one of the neighbors would be able to get her there .. or her housekeeper, remember me telling you SEVERAL times .. that this would be the case as the twins arrive on the scene and that we need to get her to agree to come stay with you for a bit to ensure her safety .. and well being .. remember .. but she refused that, she said .. in no uncertain terms, . that she knows what she has to do, and she will manage ... I sure remember it ... as the one who is expected to step in and resolve these sorts of things, rather routinely .. I remember it well .... remember, I said that if she won't do that, then we need to get her on the page that she will allow outsiders to engage in this and be more a part of helping out .. remember .. we talked about all that, but you said you did talk to her and she flat out forbid you to do that .. she doesn't want outsiders helping her .. I can call 911 if you'd like, they can sure utilize the info on the Life Alert system to enter her home, and transport her accordingly .. but that's about the best I can offer you".
That's about how I see it playing out. SIL clueless (or rather I see it, maybe not as objectively as I need to be seeing it) ... that I meant it when I said what I did .. that I won't be on the forefront .. and so what is it you intend to do here ... I meant what I said. Her .. her actions speak to the fact that she doesn't really "own" it, "accept" it that I mean it. She will call, if there is a calamity, she will, absolutely 1000% sure of it, without a doubt in my mind. She will call upon me, knowing full well what I've said all along, for months now, would be my agenda. I don't have a doubt in my mind she would call upon me.
So where in all of this is her son (my husband) .. as I said above. Clueless. Yes, he is a great handyman, lawn person .. fix it all guy, when something goes wrong. Absolutely the best ... (though MIL would debate his ability to get there fast enough to fix the fence that has fallen over, .. or the light bulb that has gone out .. she wants it done yesterday).
Where is he, that SIL wouldn't be calling him .. "Hey brother, sounds like mom has gotten pretty sick again .. she needs to get to the doctor, do you think you could do that .. go pick her up and get her seen .. she's just too weak to get there on her own .. and ya know, there are some things that she needs from the grocery . for her bland diet, .. do you think you could run and go pick those up for her".
He would drop what he's doing, which is working for a living .. and go do it. But .. he would .. (because he needs to work, .. or we don't have a roof over our heads), .. soon be pressing ... in my direction .. "Hey I did get mom to the doc, and they rx'd an antibiotic for her ... and so I've gone to the drug store and pk'd that up and gone to the grocery to get the things she needs .. and I've got her situated, do you think it'd be alright for me to go back to work... I've got so and so project .. I'm under the gun here, ... if I don't get that finished, all He*& is gonna break loose ... I've gotta get back at it, do you think it'd be alright to leave her alone .. or can you come this afternoon and sit with her, and I'll come back tonight .. what do you think".
Well, husband .. son of MIL .. in times past .. it's been my experience that MIL doesn't adequately hydrate .. her mobility an impediment to doing that .. and she certainly doesn't keep any nutrition on board .. too hard for her, .. so .. what I've done in the past is call upon you in the evenings .. remember those nights you've had to pack a small bag and go spend nights there, numerous times ... and I've stayed in the day time .. that's because .. she won't adequately hydrate .. and remember .. all the times we've ended up back in the ER for the mere purpose of IV for hydrating her .. remember that .... so ..... no .. it's not my recommendation that you leave her .. this is why I harped so much .. to the point you tuned me out ... you and your sister both apparently ... that she needs to go stay with her daughter 1K miles away .. for a few months .. to ensure her own well being and safety .. I won't be available, remember me saying that oh at least 10K times over the last several months .. but nope .. you found it acceptable that she be allowed the latitude to refuse that as an option ... you and your sister both .. that she wants to point her finger in her commanding way and notify all involved that she knows what she needs to do here .. and she will do it, she will manage, .. this ..dear hubby .. is her .. "managing" .. welcome to my world ... no .. I don't think it's a good idea to leave her .. not at all, she needs to be reminded to take her Probiotic every time she takes an antibiotic .. to keep her from getting worse just from the antibiotic that tears her stomach up, she needs to also be reminded to hydrate routinely and yes, that is a job and a half .. because she doesn't want anything at all ..but she won't do it, if not reminded/cajoled/pushed .. and she will end up in the ER for IV hydration . .. has happened how many times, too many to count ....she will fall when she gets so weak from being so dehydrated, ... seen it/lived it, far too frequently .. so no .. I think you need to stay there .. and this is why I urged oh about 10K times, to you and your sister both what needed to occur here, as I'm out of pocket and not available to this situation but you guys thought better .. so good luck with that ... and btw .. I also urged that if she won't go to where SIL lives .. then at least let's get her on board that outsiders need to be engaged in helping here .. outsiders who have offered .. and she refused that too, so .. again ... good luck with that, I am over here helping our daughter who is not able to ambulate well enough at this point, to be left on her own, so no, it's not an option at this point for me to leave her to go to your mother's rescue ...
To that there will be pushback from husband .. "Well what am I gonna do here, I mean for how long ... I can't stay here for days on end .. I have got to get back to that job site .. and then there's the other one, I've put them off for a few days and pushed them back and they are chomping at the bit .. I can't just drop everything here, we'll be picking s&it with the chickens here .... I've gotta get back to work".
My response to that, "saw all this coming, .. don't know what to tell ya . tried to forewarn you and your sister both".
Husband: "well I'm going to have to put in a call to sister .. she's gonna have to hop on a plane and get here, I can't be here for days on end, I have to work".
Me: "Okay but I can tell you in times past, SIL hasn't wanted to do the whole plane thing .. far too expensive to buy a right here/right now plane ticket .. she isn't made of money ... what you will likely find is that she has her own agenda up there she will need to tie up .. before she can even leave town to head this way .. via car .. and that will take a day or two .. for her to tie up loose ends there, arrange for whatever as to lawn care on her end, stop mail delivery ... call and cancel scheduled doc appts., get her car in to make sure it's travel worthy .. etc etc etc .. and so typically it's a couple of days before she can even start this way .. and then .. when she does start this way .. at the very least, it's two days before she can get here .. and sometimes 3 .. depending .. and so plan on being on the scene there, around the clock, more than likely about 4 or 5 days til she can get here, that's the best I can tell ya".
That last paragraph, that actually did happen, when MIL had taken a nasty fall and wasn't able to ambulate.
So I can just about predict, trying to role play it all out .. that's about how it would go. It's happened before, .. countless times, .. but the big difference has always been husband and his sister both have had me, to count on, leading the charge on it all, taking matters in hand, and resolving it.
What makes the most sense to me in all the above .. me out of pocket, is that she be inpatient .. were any of the above to transpire . and then likely even sent to rehab at discharge, to build back stamina/strength. That makes perfect sense to me, absolutely 100%.
But what you run into there is SIL with her "Oh you know how she is, .. she won't do that, .. if you mention the word hospital to her .. she will tell you to leave her alone, just leave her alone and let her lay there and just die .. she will refuse ... she won't go"
Okay well SIL what's your option here .. you can't get here for 5 days ... husband can't sit with her daily, nor can I, what do you want done here? I guess husband returns to work, leaves her to her own devices here, which .. you know, we've seen it, will result in an ER visit for IV hydration .. but even that is gonna be via ambulance, no one available to take her, .. so what do you want done here, why are you calling me ... you know my plate is full here and I can't help, .. don't know what to tell you.
That last paragraph has also occurred. MIL too sick, .. SIL here on the scene at that point .. it actually occurred. SIL here in town, worked that whole thing for a period of two weeks, trying to nurse her mother along .. it finally did end up in a hospital inpatient stay .. thru much push/shove, argument, etc. SIL working the whole thing for a period of about two weeks, back and forth for lab work, doc visits, ER visits for hydration, you name it .. and special diet .. everything tried, along the way .... to the point of beyond ridiculous, have her admitted for crying out loud! What finally turned it was that MIL was found sloped in her chair, unresponsive, by SIL .... SIL called ambulance ... ambulance transported (MIL now responsive by this time) .. and there, it was recommended inpatient .. that they need to investigate why isn't she getting better is it C-diff .. is it an abscess with the diverticulitis. Inpatient did occur, eventually .. but not until SIL had worked it all to the point of beyond anything that resembles good sense .. to try to honor her mother's wishes that she not be hospitalized.
What makes the most sense to me given the above, and my lack of availability to take the reigns is that we go ahead with a call to 911 in the event of any of the above, . and when it's explained in the ER that she's taken to .. that she has no one at home to care for her (though she would explain it away to the medical professionals in the ER that she doesn't want inpatient admit .. and she will be fine, she will do as she needs to, . she will go home and she will manage .. and I know, from experience, .. they won't order an admit if the patient declines it).
This is all how it plays out .. the one big difference is that this time, .. me .. daughter in law ... will be out of pocket in it all.
Where do I expect the disagreement, as one poster asked, do I expect it from husband or do I expect it from SIL .. or both?
Both .. really. Both wish to honor their mother's wishes and allow her the independence she so craves .. to stay in her own home ... at all cost ... and the way that generally looks .. in the past ... hubby is allowed to continue his life unimpeded .. because he has me .. on the forefront .. working on the whole thing .. while his life goes along without a bump ... SIL ... she has me ... if she isn't in town here .. and so .. I have taken the reigns and done it, time and time and time again.
My participation always along the lines of, "well poor SIL .. she can't be here all the time, she does have her life/responsibilities where she lives .. and when she comes here, it's not like she sits on her duff and does nothing .. not at all, she works like a dog .. when she does come .. and she does come as often as she possibly can .. and hubby .. poor hubby .. he's gotta work, we aren't independently wealthy here .. and we'll go to the poor house in short order, if he has to manage all this .. so let me just step in here".
Though, as is always the case with elderly folks, the need grows greater and greater .. and now .. now there is an impediment to my being the one on the forefront of it all, at least temporarily.
I realize that my daughter, will eventually learn to manage her own life (she better) with twins and a 4 yo ... and she will be a pro at it, .. and that will release me from helping her .. to the degree I will need to be hands-on, at least at first .... I do get that.
But that doesn't mean that once daughter has this all down pat, .. that I then want to step back into MIL's increasing care needs .. and her refusal to do any of the above, as to her own well being .. and be the sole person to pick up the slack so SIL can return periodically .. and so husband can continue his life without any bumps in the road. Their mother's needs are increasing .. and I've shouted it from every rooftop I can find .. to no avail to the parties that SHOULD be taking the reigns here.
I will, at some point, resume my own life and not be as present in daughter's life .. she will get handle on living her life .. and her routine and I won't be in her life daily ... I don't want to be .. that's her life .. her family. But there will most definitely be a period of time, who knows how long, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks .. I don't know yet .. that I will be, in large part, there on the scene .. daily .. for my daughter. I will return to my home nightly and leave it to she and her husband to manage, unless asked to do otherwise. I want the latitude to do just that, without one ear/eye open for "OMG what is the next calamity to befall MIL and what will we do, OMG OMG".
It's been my experience that for the most part - most men are non confrontational. They like to be the good guy, the "good ole boy", if you will. Seems that beyond sex and a good meal, having things running along at a pleasant status quo is what matters to them.
Your hubby, right now is stuck with his mom, his sister, his wife, his daughter and might as well through in his granddaughter- five females in his life that he's each gonna want to please - be the good ole boy hero for each - and he's going to wind up pleasing no one. Of course it would help if he could prioritize his pleasing pecking order - wife first, daughter second...
Anyhoo - the other thing I've been thinking about is the absolute absurdity of the concept that MIL is living on her own - the sheer madness of calling this "independent" when actually it is the most twisted, distorted version of Assited Living ever. Can you ever imagine how much simpler and more sane ALL of your lives would be if everyone quit participating in this charade and moved MIL into an actual assisted living community- where she belongs?
I asked her at one point, as I ran from pillar to post helping MIL, .. "what happens to the old folks there that get a stomach virus .. or whatever .. does family come, what?".
She said, "Sometimes, those who have family members that are conscientious yes .. they come and check on their loved one .. but for the most part there are CNA's on staff there and there are routine wellness checks on all the residents .. if they aren't accounted for, sick or well, there is someone sent to check on them .. the CNA's .. they do whatever as to help to nursing those who are ailing for one reason or another, .. if they aren't able to sufficiently help them, they are carted off via ambulance (or family member) to the hospital".
Found that interesting, . as I run on the hamster wheel here (and SIL has at times, when she's been here) trying to keep all the hatches battened down.
Yes, in a sense, I do feel sorry for hubby. Maybe that's why I've taken what would, otherwise, been his to manage all through these years. So that he can be free to work . and whatever else he needs to do. He does go, and spend the night with her, in critical times and looks after her just fine, when on the scene. He does the handyman stuff that comes with home-ownership.
Having said that though, I will be the one that catches his wrath for all the above. Not his mother, who should adjust to the changes ongoing in her life .. and act accordingly, not his sister .. who should maybe be a little more forthright and forceful in convincing her mother that she needs to accept the changes that come with aging. Not his daughter who is recovering from c-section surgery and new mom to twins .. and certainly not his 4 yo g'daughter who is helpless in all of this. It will be me, .. that stands in the storm of his wrath on it all. I don't look forward to that.
It will be, from him .. "doesn't D have any friends that can come for the afternoons or anything, to help her, so she can rest .. isn't there someone else that can pitch in here ....".
No, .. her friends all work for a living .. they can't take this on. Your mom .. dear hubby .. is the one who has failed to adjust here .. and is the one left with the ramifications of that failure in all this.
Him: "Can't YOUR mom come help D ..... why don't we call YOUR MOM .. she maybe could pitch in and help D .. and then you could go help my mom".
(nobody really cares for my mother .. not MIL . not my kids ... she is a .. oh .. what should we say .. her way or the highway sort, .. and very judgemental .. and has no real relationship with our daughters .. she was busy living her own life as our kids grew up .. and so that bond isn't there .. it just isn't). She isn't someone that I would feel comfortable leaving my newborns in the care of. She just isn't all that nurturing, . generally speaking, has her own life/agenda .. and care and nurture .. not in her nature.
I don't look forward to it. It'll be mine somehow, to own, even though I've pushed and shoved to get it off of me.
So - again - as my therapist taught me "no, i can't" and say NO MORE - so people don't argue with you. When they ask "what should i do" you can say -"gotta run, but i know you'll figure it out" and STAY OUT OF IT. I had to do that with elders - it is HARD. I had to do with my mom because she spent money and if i didn't cover her every month - she would lose her senior apartment, or her car, or her insurance, or....
I cut her off. "sorry mom". Then she mooched of sister for awhile until she got tired of it. Finally when sister cut her off - she had to face eviction from her senior apartment (and we told her no moving in with us). Guess what? she stopped wasting money and manages her money on her own.
I did the same with hubby (small non critical example). When he flies monthly to DC, he takes a 6am Monday flight. E V E R Y time, he was scrambling to pack, taxi outside waiting, in a panic getting clothes together, toiletries, etc. Me helping him, reminding him of all of the things he forgot. E V E R Y time - and i was a stress wreck by the time he got out the door. I told him - make a list, pack Sunday night. Never did. So i told him that i was no longer available to help pack. Sure enough - next flight he is running around grabbing work papers, clothes, toiletries and yelling at me to help. I said "sorry" and closed the door. He was so d*mn angry "don't do this to me right now, i'm in a crisis" and actually forgot some important papers, and clothes. He tried to yell at me when he got home - and i said "for years i've suggested you make a list and pack on Sunday nights - it is always the same number of days. You can make one list and pack. You are choosing to let this become a panic fiasco, not me. I am choosing to step out of it, not my problem" After a couple more trips in a panic, realizing i meant what i said, guess what - he packs on Sunday night and leaves Mondays much calmer and without forgetting stuff.
My point - stop enabling and force people to step up. Stay out of it.
She clearly can no longer care for herself...doesn't keep on hand the stuff she needs to eat when she has an attack of diverticulitis, doesn't sound like she's managing meds properly and lacks the ability to keep her self hydrated or to prioritize.
She doesn't foresee the consequences of her actions
This is a pretty clear indicator of lack of executive functioning, a marker for cognitive decline.
Getting her seen by a team for a workup of that, as well as a thorough assessment of her mental health are in order.
Disengaging.
Now if I can just rid myself of the anger ...
It was meant to be delivered to her " in denial" children when they're wringing their hands over what to do.
If you find yourself consumed by anger at all that this tag team has been putting you through, you might seek out a therapist.
Sometimes a few sessions of counseling is the bolster and coaching one needs when adjusting everyone's expectations of you. It can be daunting to suddenly start saying "no". There will be pushback, anger, tears and disbelief.
This is how angry I am, .. the following, I can actually see some "good news" in some of it. But I'm so cynical at this point, I have nothing kind to say. I can, at least see, the "good" in it .. but .. that cynicism rears it's ugly head in me.
MIL has always refused to use her walker (even tho advised otherwise by all medical staff she encounters). She's opted to continue using her cane. She has a walker (w/wheels) .. yes .. but she uses it to transport things .. if she's carrying a load of sheets or towels from the dryer, for instance .. that walker comes out. Or carrying some of the dog's belongings from the bedroom, . the walker comes out. But only in the above, previously.
Spoke w/MIL briefly yesterday. I haven't called her, to ck in on her, purposely ... my mind hasn't been right to do so. But yesterday I finally did, call her, briefly, just to ck in and see how she's doing absent the presence of her daughter and son in law (they flew home the other day, after a 3 week stint here).
She said she's doing okay .. and glad to have her house back to herself .. and no "visitors", but that the dog misses being walked. When DIL and husband are here, they take the dog our for walks a few x's daily. (and just in case anyone wonders, .. there don't seem to be any teens in the area interested in making a few bucks, to walk a dog, we've tried).
Said that now, now that SIL and her husband have left, the dog misses being walked daily .. and will sit and look at her, forlorn .. and wag his tail and so forth . She knows he doesn't want food, .. she'll try and let him out . no, that's not what he wants. He wants to be walked.
So she had decided she'd get her walker and go take him for a walk.
Again, .. advised by health professionals to not do that any longer (she has fallen out on the sidewalk, more than once doing this).
I didn't even ask .. my first reaction is to ask, " do you think you should be doing that, haven't docs told you not to, it isn't safe for you". I didn't bother. Not arguing with her, and trying to reason, I don't really care anymore. Sick and tired of it .. you try to make suggestions that go unheeded, .. even the medical professionals strongly urge .. and advise ...
Whatever ...
So .. I did say to her, "well maybe if you just stick to your driveway and don't go far".
She laughed that the dog would probably wonder what's the matter with her, . that she won't cross the street to where the sidewalk is and off they go. But she thought that might be a good idea .. stick to the driveway.
WAHLAAA!!!! A good suggestion that was heeded. Good news there. Yep.
She went on to tell me that she'd been talking to SIL earlier in the morning and that she'd informed SIL that she'd be doing that, and it sent SIL into orbit.
I wanted to, first reaction would normally be .. "why?, why do you tell her the things you know dam& well are gonna send her into orbit with worry, why do you do that?".
But nope. I didn't even say a word. Whatever......
Then, late yesterday afternoon SIL texted me .. and said the following: "Sounds like mom took her walker out and took the dog for a walk in her driveway only .. and that a couple of the neighbors stepped over to say hi to her .. and she told them how worried sick I am about her doing that, and they told her to tell me that she is doing fine .. she did fine with it".
I simply responded, "well that's great", and left it at that.
She then texted again .. "you know .. I think she needs another walker for her garage .. she has the one in the house and that's the one she used ... but it's too hard for her, to navigate down that step into the garage .. bringing with her, the walker she needs, .. it'd probably be better if she had one that lives in the garage. Do you know where (brother) got the one she has now?, How much did he pay for it?".
Now, (my cynicism and burnout rearing it's ugly head), I wanted to shout .. "ask him, you can text him just as easily as you've texted me, I don't know .. just because he's my husband, doesnt' mean he is sitting right here at my disposal and no I'm not going to mark this question in my memory bank to make sure I ask him and forward the info back to you, you want to know, he's your brother, he picked up the walker she has, some dam& where .. ask him, not me".
But that's not what I said .. I simply responded, "I don't know, you can text him".
She said, "you know when I was there .. I was on that mission .. I wanted her to have one for her car, and one for the garage .. but she told me to drop it ..now though .. I think I should've stayed on that and gotten her a couple of more walkers".
I responded, "I've never known her to utilize the one she has other than as a device to transport things around the house".
She said, "I think she's finding that it is indeed helpful to her".
I responded, "Well that's good news".
She then went on .. and texted me one she found on Craigslist .. a wheeled walker .. and asked my opinion.
Now see, normally, this would all be my queue to hop right in and get on this .. but I'm not doing it. If she wants to communicate with her brother to see if he will secure another walker or two for their mom, fine .. have at it .. good luck with that. His take on it is going to be the same as mine "she doesn't use the one she has now".
But she texted me a link for one she found on Craigslist and asked my opinion of it.
I didn't even open the link, I only responded, "Not a good idea that she should be going somewhere locally to pick up a walker from someone's home .. not safe".
And no, I didn't volunteer ..maybe later this week, I'll have some time to go look at it myself and take her along. Nope, didn't volunteer that. Didn't even suggest she contact her brother, to see if he would go look at it, . and/or go get their mother and them both go look at it. Nope.
I only left that tidbit .. "I don't think it's safe ....".
She said, "Really? .. when I was there, I was in communication with some woman who was selling one . she'd only gotten it temporarily for some back issues she'd had . but she was selling it, .. she sounded like a sweet little old woman, ..".
I answered that with, "Do what you think you need to, .. I wouldn't go alone to a person's home .. not safe".
But again, no volunteering on my part to go do it .. nor volunteering that she talk to my husband, her brother, .. to get him on board to go do it.
She then went on to tell me some babble about where she lives the church sponsors a lending closet of those kinds of things .. and wonders if we have such here. I answered, "Not at my church, none that I know of, no".
No further dialogue on it until today.
She texted me today, "I talked to mom's neighbor and asked her to ck around there locally to see if she an find a lending closet via a church or anything there, for another walker for mom ... I figure they're always offering to help, might as well take them up on it".
I said, "they're nice folks, does your mom know you did that?".
She said, "NO .. she'd be furious ... I'll just tell her that I merely asked if their church has a lending closet and that she took it upon herself to see if she could find one somewhere, I'll just fib to her".
I said, "whatever works".
That was that.
Now, I can see the good news in the above, ... 1) that MIL is apparently using the walker, as she's been advised, countless times to do. That's good. But maybe only to go to the driveway to walk the dog, for all I know, but I'm not going to ask .. don't care. 2) SIL engaged someone else in this problem du jour .. other than me ... she called upon the neighbor who has offered to help. Good news there, in that.
But of course, my burnout here and my cynicism rears it's ugly head and all i can think is .. "wonder what happens when you burn her out", the neighbor. But of course, I do have the good sense to know, that's not my problem, so don't focus/worry about it.
My cynicism and burnout in it all, rears it's ugly head .. with the whole walking the dog thing .. that she's been advised not to do. But not going there, not with MIL, not with SIL .. do what you want.
Makes me feel so mean and hateful to have these feelings .. but to do otherwise, is to have me mired in the muck of it all .. and that's what got me where I am today. Burned out/angry/frustrated.
Who are you angry with? Are you angry that you put up with this $hit for all these years that you can't get back? Or are you angry that these folks are SO clueless about their mother's needs?
Have you read "Can't we Talk About Something More Pleasant?" by Roz Chast? It's a graphic novel about a woman's adventures in caregiving her elderly, stubborn parents. You need to have a laugh or two today.
Think about the twins!
Who am I mad at?
It's been simmering just under boiling temp for quite some time. As I'm sent on wild goose chase after wild goose chase.
The gluten issue I described earlier
The A-Fib situation also mentioned earlier
The dust up over the child-gate mentioned earlier
The dog diapers (when dog was so sick) that went un-used, didn't mention that one
The refusal on MIL's part, when dog was so sick to things a little differently so as to not have herself get sick in the care of an ailing dog
Many many things .. over the last while .. have caused this to simmer just under boiling.
The fact that MIL can get sick so quickly .. and when she does, it's all hands on deck to try to manage it all. Yet my having said .. repeatedly .. she needs more help .. goes unheeded.
Many things
I think the icing on the cake though, the straw that broke the camel's back as they say.
My having harped for months as we knew twins are to arrive here ... and my want to be with my daughter to help her (her request) .. as the pregnancy progresses and further, once the twins arrive.
My having said to BOTH SIL and to my husband (MIL's two offspring) .. my suggestion that SIL be here in town, to look after her mother whose needs are increasing, in my absence to care for my daughter (D is local . but that doesn't mean I can be on the scene for MIL). My having suggested the above .. and it wasn't to be, .. already mentioned in previous posts as to the why's on it all.
One of which was so she can DOGSIT for her grown daughter. Excuse me if I find that REALLY INFURIATING.
SIL Obviously finds it more suitable to stay home and look after her grown daughter's 3 dogs than she does her mother's well being.
THAT sent me into orbit.
I had suggested also, absent the ability to do the above .. that maybe MIL come to her, stay with her .. for a period of time. MIL put the skids on that real quick, letting it be known to all involved that AINT HAPPENING.
I had suggested, if nothing else .. let's get MIL on the page that outsiders need to be engaged in all this .. I won't be available. That too, shot down .. by MIL and completely acceptable that she do so, by her offspring (my husband and his sister).
The above initiated, in me .. a feeling of .. "okay I get it now, I'm good, it's all good here as long as I'm steppin and fetchin .. and let me speak up as to what I think should occur . no don't bother ... we don't want to hear it".
Well, .. guess what .. I can stop the steppin and fetchin then.
So, I'm mad, .. I'm mad at MIL ... that she fails to see how her deterioration causes so much dependency .. and generally that falls on me ... I'm mad at SIL that I try to say just that .. and suggest what I think should occur .. but no, we're going to let this elderly woman who is SO DEPENDENT call the shots .. I'm mad at my husband .. that his answer to it all is, "Well let's *hope* all goes well and mother isn't needy at that time, if she is, I'll pitch in".
I've seen what his pitching in is .. He pitches in for handyman stuff .. and at times when things are absolute emergency .. but generally speaking he defers back to me. That's his "we'll all pitch in".
So Yes, I am mad.
I will figure a way to process it all, and I suspect that will come with some more time, . and perhaps some ability to refuse to step and fetch .. as was done with the walker, as recently as yesterday.
You have been supportive, cooperative and they have responded with denial and inability to hear what you are saying.
If you can keep up the boundaries the way you did today, you will be fine.
You might want to look into Mindfulness Meditation (another good book--Full Catastrophe Living, by Jon Kabot Zin).
And honestly, if you need to simmer it down a degree or two I'd suggest of the three stooges- giving MIL a break. Likely there's some cognitive decline going on there in addition to basic self preservation instincts. Maybe she's thinking "next stop - the nursing home" - to which I can't say as I blame her for stubbornly insisting that all the special errands, appointments and the earth rotating at her command - are what it's going to take to be successful at home. Of course this is flawed logic and of course it's incredibly self centered - but it does seem to be the thought process in the elderly as their world shrinks and focuses to just them and what they think they need and want.
No - in my mind it's the SIL and hubby that are in the position to know better - to realize what they're putting you through and that they need to take their heads out of their a$$ and find a reasonable solution for their own mothers care and safety.
I look forward to reading more posts where you stand up to them. :-) KEEP UP the good work! We are all rooting for you!
I was reading back through some of this thread and it occurred to me that someone might get the impression that I have got to be the most evil/uncaring DIL ever!
What I am is a DIL that is fed up. As I said, .. the statement couldn't define the whole thing any better. It's all good as long as I'm steppin and fetchin .. but the minute I speak up and try to maybe add some suggestions, since I'm front and center to all this dilemma, and those suggestions aren't taken into account, at all, by any parties involved. It became real clear to me what I need to do. Not only so that the chips fall where they may, but for my own well being. If my emotions about it all, are this off the rail, then I'm not able to continue doing in a loving/caring manner. That's not good for me, it's certainly not good for MIL. MIL needs more than I can provide, ... and the only way I know how to get that is to back away. Saying it, is certainly not proving to be helpful. Lord knows I've tried.
I am not an uncaring person. In fact, .. it is me, this morning, encouraging that we go get MIL after church today and take her out to lunch. Would dear hubby suggest that on his own. Never in a million years. He has 'chores' to do, .. he just wouldn't think of it, without a wife to prompt him in that direction.
His bday is next weekend, and I'm trying to figure out to incorporate MIL in it, it's me working to figure the path towards that. In times past, .. I wish I could tell you how many family celebrations we have moved (she no longer cooks large meals for large crowds, isn't able to do it), moved family meals/celebrations to her house. Complete with my being the one who puts these things together and cooks it all, .. taking it all, to her home, to cook it, clean it all up, so that she can be a part of things. I have done that more times than I care to count and I'll continue to do so, where appropriate.
Hubby, for his bday .. says he just wants to stay home, and not have to go anywhere. He loves to spend an afternoon grill cooking, so I suppose he will grill his own entree .. for all of us to gather for his bday. That suits him just perfect. To him, that's a great way to spend an afternoon. It is me, who is trying to figure an angle to include his mom. Strangely enough, if you've read the thread, these words will strike you, and they do me, .. her words "I know what I have to do, and I will do it, I will manage. She can't "drive" herself to meet us at a restaurant, (never) .. she's just not up to it, oh but "she will manage, she knows what she needs to do". She can't "drive" herself here, for a family get together, she's just not up to it, oh but she knows what she needs to do and she will manage. So, one of us will go get her, and bring her here, and make sure she partakes in and enjoys the family celebration.
What if I was a DIL that took that approach. Nope, by golly she says she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it, as she, in such a commanding way, drives her point home-pointing her aged finger to exaggeratedly make her point .. by golly then she can "manage" to get her way to whatever the family celebration is, I'm not gonna worry with her. But that isn't the approach I've ever taken. And, where appropriate, I will make sure that we somehow incorporate her into whatever is being done, as to a family gathering.
I don't intend to just exclude her .. and shun her, that isn't my motive in any of this. In spite of it all, I do love her. She has been, for the most part, a terrific MIL for the almost 40 years I've been a part of that family.
It's more a matter that I'm trying to bring things back to a more centered place .. rather than my being the stepper fetcher ... and indentured servant to the whims of a an increasingly needy MIL and a SIL far away who worries worries worries and worries and wants to send directives my way as to the latest whim. I'm trying to remove that equation .. in the end.
My feeling is along the line of .. if you're THAT worried about your mother, from afar .. then .. she is YOUR mother, not mine ... YOU and YOUR brother need to figure out a way to manage it all. NOT ME.
I'm quite sure there will be some real bumpy days ahead and likely days that I'm in tears over it all, as .. it's always easy to throw the *outlaw* ... (me, the DIL) .. under the bus and cast aspersions when things don't go well. And those days are coming for me, .. when the pressure is on .. and I'm expected to step and fetch .. and don't do so.
The actions that they will see, .. or lack of action rather .. will define the direction this is now going to go. And it won't be easy ... so it'll be nice that I have a place to go, in this site, .. to know that others have been there too.
I remember the last time that MIL had a round of *at-home* PT. She generally gets signed on for same, and then dispenses with the person providing said care, in short order. She signs on, only to shut all of us up, when it is recommended.
She had a really great young man coming by 2 x's weekly for PT sessions. Him, working with her, as to her lack of balance, mobility, etc. And he found, on Craigslist, a stationary bike .. one of those AirDyne ... stationary bikes, one can move the handles back and forth, for arms and of course, pedal ..
He suggested that she get that .. as part of her routine. She, all on board for same, .. and SIL (who was in town at this point), of course, also .. on board. Word gets passed to the stepper fetcher (me) .. that we NEED to HAVE TO .. go get this bike .. it's a really good one, in great shape .. and it's only $100, .. we HAVE TO GO GET IT, how can we get it. (SIL knows we own a pickup truck). This particular stationary bike, .. way way on the other side of town. That was a good price, for such a good bike .. in such good shape. We know, .. if we don't get it, someone will, it will be gone by the end of the day.
Of course, my take on it all, as was hubby's, "she's not gonna use a stationary bike, he&* ............. she can't even stand on one foot without falling, how is she going to climb up onto a stationary bike, no .... what is he thinking suggesting such a thing, was our argument to SIL .. who was chomping at the bit, .. "No, no he says he will work with her on balancing to get on and off of it, to be safe .. and that it would be good for her, as to building muscle in her legs and arms ... no .. he says he'll work with her, .. that she won't be getting on and off it, without him here ... not until he's certain she can manage it".
One of so many goose chases.
I called dear hubby who was working at that moment, said with a sigh, as I wasn't on board for this, at all. I saw the outcome of all this coming. "Dear hubby, I know you are working .. and I'm sorry to bother you, but there is this exercise bike that is on Craigslist . and the PT guy that is seeing your mom, .. he recommends we get it .. it's a really good one, in great shape .. if we don't stop the presses right here, right now, and go get it, it will be gone by the end of the day .. so I hate to ask . but I need you to pull off that job you're on .. and go get so and so exercise bike,.. right now ... ".
His response was the same as mine .. WTH ........... no .............. she can't be getting on and off of a bike, .. she can't even stand without falling practically .......... what is he thinking".
The assurances repeated by SIL .. then repeated to him.
Him, exasperated ... "Okay, where am I supposed to go to get this BIKE". Off he goes to get it .. and bring it to MIL's, ..
MIL did use it, as long as she had the PT guy there .. in attendance. But as is always the case with any home professional ordered. Wasn't long before she sent him packing, just saying she isn't "up to it".. that there are days (and there are) .. that she just can't put one foot in front of the other .. to even get up and get clothes on, much less answer the door, and then work with the PT guy. So she sent him packing .. before long.
Where is that nice exercise bike now. It sits where we put it when we stopped the earth's rotation to go get it, .. sits unused. She did use it, .. with the PT guy there, .. until she sent him away, no longer requiring his services. It sits unused. I asked her at one point, "that bike, .. do you still use it, did he teach you enough to be able to safely get on and off of it, to use it". Her answer, "Oh he did a great job .. I know what I need to do here, .. and I'll do it, eventually I'll get back on it .. and use it .. one day ... but .. I just .. you know he was a nice guy and all, but I just can't be expected to get up and get dressed . and answer the door and participate in that .. I'm not up to it, .. so I told him that I didn't need him any longer and sent that on it's way .. and he did work with me on it, . but I'm just not up to itl.
SIGH
Saw that coming 100 miles away. But BY GOLLY, stop the presses ............ right here, right now and go get that BIKE! Which is what we did.
Just one of so many wild goose chases. So so many. Too many to count.
Elderly ladies and stationary bikes, unsupervised? No, just no.
My SIL (aka the Saint, really), lives and works close to mom. And frankly, they like each other better than mom and me.
But never, ever in a million years would I ask her to give up time with her kids or grand kids to "do" for mom. It's one if the reasons mom went, first to Independent Living and then, after a stroke, to a nursing home.
Because it was clear that mom needed eyes on her, meals provided, transport when we were unable, a doctor on site.
We all visit mom, bring her treats, take her outside in good weather and encourage her to socialize. We have family celebrations (a second Christmas and Thanksgiving, birthday etc) at the NH. We all cook, being stuff and help cleanup.
Given your MIL's clear cognitive decline, she really shouldn't be living alone. As you step back, I think that will become clear.
MIL so vehemently, staunchly .. wanting to remain in her own home "INDEPENDENT".
Homes, require maintenance. Period, ... she is unable to do any of it.
Years and eons ago .. she and her husband planted ferns in the way way back of their yard where there is much shrubbery and tree coverage. Grass won't really grow back there, far too shaded. Long long ago, ..when her husband was alive, she and he planted ferns back in that rear portion of her b'yard.
MIL's favorite place to be is in her kitchen, sitting in her chair, at the kitchen table, pondering and viewing the b'yard from that perch ... with a wall of floor to ceiling windows that allow a view of the b'yard.
Those ferns, planted so long ago .. have overgrown .. and were beginning to encroach further and further into what is a grassy area, and not only that, beginning to choke out some of the shrubbery planted back there.
That was on her list of things needing done. Someone (who?) needs to get back there and get all those ferns knocked back and get them out from the root systems of the shrubbery.
Ferns will do that, they will grow wild and take off ... and they have ....
My assessment of the above is along the line of .. well let's see .. that is a chore for a yard person .. and it's going to be kinda costly ... you have a guy that comes weekly and he rides his riding mower around, and is gone in 20 minutes .. maybe you could approach him to see if he cares to do that ... because I certainly am not gonna do it, .nor does hubby have the time for it ... and SIL .. she's not gonna go out there and do the back breaking work of digging up ferns and disposing of them.
Of course, MIL can't afford that. But she wants to remain in her own home remember. But she has nothing to do but ponder the view from her favorite perch .. and there she views the encroaching ferns . that are overtaking that area.
Ferns, unless you dig them up and til that area .. of root systems .. are going to continue to grow heartily. It's not gonna be sufficient to go back there with a mower and mow them all down .. and/or a weed-eater . that will only cause them to grow back heartier.
So, when I picked SIL from the airport for her latest stay here. We had no sooner gotten in the door .. with SIL and her's and her husband's luggage .. and MIL at her favorite perch at her kitchen table upon our arrival. And MIL starts, .. "those ferns out there, .. they really need to be thinned out .. something has got to be done with all that".
SIL who is .. generally speaking, even more so than me, .. a jump in and get it done sort .. but has her limitations .. and that being one of them .. snake infested (not bad snakes, but any snake is a bad snake .. in our opinion) ... and too back breaking a chore .. she, who will generally jump in and do more than she should .. and then some.
SIL hearing this, .. "well does someone own a weed whacker, .. maybe me and hubby can get back there with a weed whacker".
I chimed in (though EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME, knows that I don't do yard work .. I will clean your house, haul you where you need to go, cook for you, clean it up, etc etc. but yard work, ..nope, not happening). I chimed in, "that's gonna be one helluva job there .. whoever does that is gonna need to dig it up .. and dispose of it .. weed whacking isn't gonna suffice for that .. they'll just grow back stronger".
MIL .. and yes, she was very much being a smart a&% .......... then said, "well did you bring your shovel and gloves ... are you going to go out there and get started on that".
I said, "Nope".
She said, ............ being a smart a&% ................"well you seem to know an awful lot about it, I thought maybe you were gonna go out there and get right on it".
I said, "Nope, not doing it".
She said, "I can't believe that ......... now you won't go out there an take care of that".
I said, "believe it, it's not happening".
What they did end up doing was paying the yard guy an extra few bucks to go back there with his mower. Not gonna suffice in the end .. what needed to happen is what I said, .. if you want it thinned out, it has to be dug up in places, and that is gonna be costly .. since neither your son or daughter are going to be, .. nor are they able to do that back breaking work ..
Being in your own home .. being so staunchly, vehemently .. dug in, that you want to remain in your own home .. is going to be costly at times. there are issues that come up.
Yes, we pay for any number of things she can't afford, most recently a bigger large screen tv for her den .. since that's her life for the most part, .. sitting in the kitchen at her big floor to ceiling windows, and/or watching TV. Paid for the exercise bike, any number of things.
She also wanted an estimate for her front yard .. (why does she even look at such things .. find something to do that all these things aren't so bothersome to you) .. her front yard has gotten sparse in some areas, sparse of sod .. and weeds have taken over, .. in some areas. She wanted an estimate to see what would that cost .. to get that area dug up, of weeds, and sod placed there. Estimate, from yard guy, $400.
I didn't, and won't be volunteering to fork over and chip in on that. Our own yard needs re-sodding and weeding .. and we don't have the time or resource for it ... and I"m not paying to have her's done. Find something else to do, other than worry about grass/sod that needs re-done.
(As a sidebar, this family has an oblique communication style, meaning that they tend not to Ask For stuff directly. They inform you of the need so that you feel guilty if you don't volunteer) .
Pushing back directly "that won't solve the problem...I know better" earns you ire AND obligation.
So, MIL points out a need "ferns need to be pruned". You, "hmmmm".
SIL "I wonder if someone has a weedwhacker?" You--"hmmmm, shrug".
What they do is create Fear, obligation and Guilt=FOG. Look it up, it's a thing.
Just keep saying to yourself, "not my monkeys, not my circus "
Took MIL to lunch today to a favorite bque place. This bque place, .. on their menu, they have fried okra. Something MIL dearly loves. (Maybe should've chosen a different destination to avoid that temptation). Fried okra, . anything with seeds, is detrimental to her diverticulitis and sets in motion .. or can .. and does at times .. a round of some pretty bad stomach upset. Seeds/anything with seeds, avoid like the plague with regard to her well being.
While there MIL mentioned that she'd been speaking with DIL this morning, and told her DIL that we were coming to get her, to take her to lunch to so and so bque restaurant. DIL then cautioned MIL (wringing her hands now worrying) "Now mother don't order any of that fried okra . I know you so enjoy it .. but just don't, .. you can't afford to get sick, there's no one to take care of you". MIL found that supremely annoying, that her daughter would be managing down to the finite of detail, from afar, even what she eats.
There is good news in the above, in this. Typically SIL would've gotten wind we were taking to so and so bque .. and she would've tested me, .. in add'n to already having cautioned her mother, .. she'd of also texted me .. not her brother, me ... "Don't let mother eat any of that fried okra .. she will get sick from the seeds in it . you know how she is, she doesn't use good judgement .. she should know better than to do that, .. but if you let her, she'll order it .. we don't need her to get sick".
I have always, or in recent times, found that supremely annoying from the standpoint, my thinking ............... but ..... aren't we here assuming she can continue to live "independently". If she can't even manage what goes into her mouth, on her own, for her own health and safety .. what kinda independence is that? That we'd have to now correct/admonish/cajole that she not eat those things. Found that annoying, to get texts from SIL from afar .. as to what her mother should and shouldn't eat, .. yet out of the other side of her mouth, . she continues to allow that MIL live "independently".
Either she is, or she isn't .. and if she isn't .. then what are you doing SIL to make sure that her well being is looked after? Not much, other than to swoop in every few months and work like a dog . .only to fly out again and be gone for a period of a few months. If she is .. she is "okay" to live independently . then why are you now wringing your hands over what she intends to eat, and bothering me with texts about it. That was kinda my annoyance with it all, in previous times.
The good news though, in the above .. SIL didn't bother me with a text on it. I guess shes said her piece to her MIL in their morning conversation, .. cautioning her mother not to eat the fried okra, .. and she let it go .. she didn't bother me with it. HOORAY. I'll take it .. one small little glimpse of a turn in it all, .. ever so small, but I'll take it.
No, we didn't allow MIL to have fried okra, even though she protested.
I reminded her, when she spoke of her annoyance at her daughter and her wringing her hands over it all, I reminded MIL that her daughter is right, .. "and remember MIL, there is no one to care for you if you get sick .. better not have that fried okra ... we can't afford for you to get sick". To which she slammed her hand on the table, . (in a playful manner) and said, "You're just like __________________(her daughter), trying to police everything I do". She was being funny, not mean.
The next little slice of good that came of it all today. MIL was talking of the never-ending, never gets resolved, edema in her lower legs. Seems to be an issue she is working presently to resolve, Lasix (I guess it's too soon ..??....she had that venous thing done .. and that is supposed to negate the need for Lasix ... but that I referred to earlier as a snakeoil salesman .. I don't buy it, that will be resolved, .. with a venous procedure .. she has CHF .. that is likely the reason for the edema .. not the vein issue that gets zapped somehow with lasers ... I don't buy it that's gonna fix it, .. but whatever). Seems as though MIL is presently on the Lasix again, working to reduce the edema in her lower legs. She was complaining of that whole scene ... (she has mobility issues that cause her a real problem having to go back and forth to the bathroom all the time, when she takes Lasix). She's been advised that if she doesn't want to take Lasix .. wear support hose .. to reduce the edema .. but that too, she doesn't and hasn't ever complied with.
So she was complaining a bit about the edema . and the fact that thus far she's not seeing much improvement via the Lasix she's taking. She mentioned that she'd relayed this in conversation with her daughter this morning and that her daughter had said the words to her, "See that's even more reason why you need to be up here with me .. so I can look after you". That confounded MIL.
That too .. would've, at one point, been put in my ear .. "Can you see if maybe we need to get MIL seen at the cardio doc .. seems like she isn't having much success reducing that edema in her lower legs with the Lasix .. seems like maybe they might need to look at it, to be sure that it's not getting infected, that area .. can you see about getting her seen".
But I've not heard a word from SIL on it, .. and in fact, .. she just admonished her mom as "See .. all the more reason you need to be up here with me, so that I can help look after you".
This confounded MIL as .. her feeling is, "I have said I AM NOT GOING THERE .. to stay with SIL ...........but she thinks I need to be up there".
Then my H spoke up, .. "Mother, for right now, all you can do is try to take care of yourself, but as you age and become more needy, that may have to be your reality .. much as you hate it".
The two of them began a bit of a squabble, her insisting that she will not go there, he arguing back . that it may be that's her only option . that or a home.
So, the fact that H spoke up .. was another plus.
So a few pluses in all of it today and I will certainly refer back to this, in the dark days that await .. as I struggle with releasing myself from the grip that it has been in managing all this.
She mentions that her mother is planning a trip to the grocery store, .. on her own .. to get milk and bread, which she is out of (we do have grocery stores that deliver here, btw, that too has been refused). SIL expressing concern that MIL's edema in her lower legs still seems to be a big problem, that she worries she won't take her Lasix .. because she has to go to the store. Mentions being upset that they aren't yet seeing the promised improvement via the venuous procedures they had done when she was here.
Now, .. as BrooklynBarb mentioned previously . this family does have an oblique way of laying on you, the concerns/deeds, in need.
Heretofore, the above .. I would have offered perhaps .. "well I have my 4 yo g'daughter today .. but I can load her up and go get what MIL needs at the store, .. and take it to her".
That might've also been followed by SIL's request, "I wonder if she needs to be seen at the cardio doc . that edema doesn't seem to be reducing , maybe I should call and get her an appointment, do you think you'd be available to get her there".
Heretofore, before now .. the above would've been status quo.
Henceforth, however, I did not volunteer to resolve any of the above, nor a reminder that there are grocery stores that deliver if one wishes. Been there/done that as to suggestions. I only said in response, "yes I noticed the swelling when we were with her yesterday, does seem to be a problem, hope it works itself out".
Could I load up my 4 yo g'daughter and go satisfy this, which is a pretty simple need? Yes, I could. Very easily. But that negates what I'm trying to do here .. one thing begets another and another and another .. of the wild goose chases, and endless need, which I said very clearly I would not be addressing. Not going to back down.
If we're all going to be on the assumption here that MIL is given the latitude to refuse outside help, .. SIL is unable to be here to manage said care .. and/or MIL isn't pushed to come to where SIL lives to be looked after because after all, MIL's words .. "I know what I need to do here, and I will manage, I will do it". If I heard those words once, I've heard then 1000 x's. So .. there ya go .. manage.
SIL has been gone a week .. and already was in my ear, . if I'd care to take on the mission of getting another wheelie walker or two for her mom. Nope .. didn't engage.
In my ear about the edema in her mother's legs and that problem .. not engaging.
I hope this does get easier, in time. My nature, is to hop in and resolve .. particularly if it's a menial task as above, run to the grocery for two items. But .. I am not going to be doing so, as I won't be able to do even the most menial of tasks here shortly when I am caring for my daughter, and two newborns. I don't intend to drag a 4 yo, and two newborns to the store, to pick up incidental items. Not when there is grocery delivery readily available, and it is declined.
It's going to be a rough road, .. for the SIL .. who wants to "delegate" by way of "subtle suggestion", daily as to the latest need. She will have to get on board here, and realize .. when I said her mom will be on her own, that is the absolute truth. Absent her willingness to let any outsiders help, which was also a suggestion in all of this.
Hard not to be a smart A&% .... and say to her, "gee .. ya know, .. your worry that she stay home so she can continue the Lasix regiment .. seems we've discussed numerous times, grocery delivery as an option . or maybe engaging the help of neighbors that have offered, ... I guess you'll have to find a way of not concerning yourself with it all, as I'm having to do".
But I didn't say all that. It does no good, I've tried.