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I recently completed my "tour of duty" like you describe and can identify with most of the issues you face. Can only offer some of the things I now reflect back on and hope they work for you...
1. Don't lose your perspective. Your dad's stubborn denial will cause you to start doubting yourself. Prevent that by reminding yourself that sometimes real love is as cold and hard as steel. So always give yourself the "regret" test. Some years from now when dad is gone, will I look back with regret and be telling myself that I shoulda, coulda, woulda done this or that. Or will I pat myself on the back knowing that I did the best I could with what I had.
2. Follow the guidelines given by Lovingdaughter because she is right on the money: Legal first, then medical, then financial. Take care of those matters ASAP in that order. Otherwise you will spend all of your caregiver energy shadow boxing and live in regret once your dad passes.
Denial - we all do it. Who wants to lose independence, accept the imperfect about yourself, the fraility where vim and vigor once prevailed. Create a contract that outlines each thing that needs to be addressed, a deadline, a synopsis of situation and any forward or backward progress. Have elder, yourself, and one other person sign it with monthly (or whatever) updates. Just as you would a medication list. Include steps that will be taken to bring about a change in the situation. Pictures included whenever possible. This documentation will help remind relative with proof, address their paranoia, forgetfulness, or stubbornness. If you do not have full poa's it will help if you need to take legal measures.
Again, bless you all!
Denial - we all do it. Who wants to lose independence, accept the imperfect about yourself, the fraility where vim and vigor once prevailed. Create a contract that outlines each thing that needs to be addressed, a deadline, a synopsis of situation and any forward or backward progress. Have elder, yourself, and one other person sign it with monthly (or whatever) updates. Just as you would a medication list. Include steps that will be taken to bring about a change in the situation. Pictures included whenever possible. This documentation will help remind relative with proof, address their paranoia, forgetfulness, or stubbornness. If you do not have full poa's it will help if you need to take legal measures.
Again, bless you all!
All of us on these discussions know how difficult being a caregiver is. We empathize with you and are all in the same sinking boat. The only thing that keeps us afloat is commitment to our families and the knowledge that what we are doing is the right thing. Not that any of this is easy, because it isn't. You need to take control. We all know that it is easier said than done. My battle fry is BOUNDARIES!!!! Set them, be kind, but firm. You need to be in the driver seat literally and figuratively. You love your dad, but he is no longer the man who raised you. He is the father who needs you to give him the best care for the last years of his life. This is the hardest job. However, you can make it easier on you and him by following a few steps:
Legal ones come first. Medical comes next. Without the legal paper work, you have no medical clout. Physical custody of your dad be it living with you or being the one in charge is next. Think long and hard about him coming to live with you. I didn't do much thinking. Just packed mom up and brought her here after dad died. BIG MISTAKE. I didn't do my homework. Brother and I have POA, but he does nothing. Brother and I are the beneficiaries of any monies left. He does nothing. So, get it in writing. Life insurance, pre-paid funerals and the such must be taken care of as soon as you can. Who ever is going to be the primary caretaker must have all the control. Believe me, the rats will come out when he is gone. I know that sound just awful, but it is true.
Get a GOOD elder care lawyer. Shop around. Their rates vary and the expensive ones are not always the best!! Learned that one the hard way. Best of luck. We are all here for you.
Do you have POA, if not , get it soon. Get your name on the privacy list that the DR. has and go with him to his appointments. I faxed the DR. all my concerns so that when we showed up for an appointment, he knew the questions and the truth before we got there!!!!!!
We told my dad when he had hospice that if he didn't get a live -in, my brother and I could be charged with elder abuse- did the trick. She moved in the their home in 4 days!!!! Good luck.