I'm feeling so trapped and resentful. I want my life back.

This is a situation that calls for strategy. If played wrong, you can be financially hurt, Dina. And I have a feeling your worse half would not be above doing it. Your grandfather's house will pass to his son and probably can't be considered during the divorce, no matter how long you lived there and how much work you did. The same is true of any inheritance money. If your husband is unemployed, you will have a hard time getting spousal support. You are unemployed and he is, so there is no inequality in pay there.

If you start getting paid, "spend" it and don't put it in the bank to accumulate. Spending it may mean just hiding it somewhere so it isn't an asset. It would be terrible if you had to split the money that you made. I would say to file for a divorce before you get a job, so you won't have to pay alimony if he is not employed.

It is sad when marriages come down to the War of the Roses. You'll have to figure out what the best thing for you to do is. Staying there at your FIL's house is nothing but debasing. Your husband sounds like he is a real winner -- sorry for the judgmental tone. Ain't nothing worse than a useless man.

OMG the B.S. coming out of your husband's mouth just gets worse and worse. Does he have any idea this is 2013 and he's living on the planet Earth? He sounds like a throwback to 1954. Yikes!! Honest to Pete, I don't know how you've put up with this garbage. Do whatever you feel is best for you, Dina, but I'd pick ADD over him any day. My ex came up with some stupid s**t like that and I left. It was kinda rough for awhile but I stuck it out. I've never been happier and life is good. I never knew how exhilarating it could be to look in my rear view mirror and leave it behind.

PamelaSue...Big? How about a frying pan?

Well, Dina...What is with that man? He goes to concerts w/o you and then thinks driving you to the grocery is "taking you out"

Curious, does he write any of his music? Lyrics? It would be interesting to see what he considers his favorite songs.
What do you think of 'Love gone wrong song"?

He is one selfish person, for sure!

I spoke to the hospice chaplin, about some issues and I pan to talk to both of them tonight.
I tried to speak to my husband last night.that we were drifing apart and he acted as if he did not have a clue on what i was talking about. I said that we needed a date night, and his comment was" I just took you out"....yes, you stayed in the truck and I bought your dad's groceries for the week".
I doubt anything will go positive tonight.
I do have a place to go.My bestfriend lives about 50 miles from here,.She is kind of high strung ( A.D.D) and lots of drama, but she said she would try to calm.I do think me getting help from Domestic Violence will be the best option.
I talked to them before, and they actually told me to try to "stick it out".
Will let yall know,
Thanks, Dina

She needs something BIG to hold over his head. BIG BIG.

The other reason you need to prove he has money, if you don't, when you begin working, HE can hit you up for alimony.

Dina...Pamala may have a point here. If I recall, your husband had some kind of "settlement from his first marriage"? It struck me when I first saw that and wondered "What???"
So maybe you need to be really clear on assets and debts and where the two of you stand.

There is an old song about the Lotto card and the best line is"
Never make your move too soon"
Frankly, I don't think your husband has any money squirled away. He may have DEBTS that he is hiding, if I read him right.
The house will never be in your name. the plan is for your fil to bequeath the house and land to his son...your husband...and your husband has already told you he intends to bypass you and give the property as an inheritance to his son...FIL's daughters may have a fight with that deal or at least require some compensense for the share they could have had from their father.

All I have is my suspicion that YOU ARE NOT in his Will, and will not even get an additional $20 unless the old man gives it to you in cash before he dies.

Please dear Lord, let me be wrong!!!
Bonnie
That is the path you are on. Is that okay with you?

Often men squirrel money away and/or have assets and accounts you are unaware of. If he is able to date or even support a girlfriend, my guess is that there is money somewhere. This may be true of both father and son. You need to find the accounts and assets in order to get your fair share. If the father has any money and he dies and it goes to your husband, you will need your fair share of that before it's blown.

Setting up your own house is expensive if you don't take anything with you; cost me quite a bit to set up my place from scratch. I was fortunate, I knew it was coming so I had the time to save. I saved about $5000, and my Great Grandma left me more. Just finding a little place to rent, gosh, rents here are killer high and most places are horrible. Then they want 1st month and last month, a good credit score, etc. My landlord and landlady are beautiful people, my little house beautiful, I am blessed. Took me four months to find this.

The other reason you need to prove he has money, if you don't, when you begin working, HE can hit you up for alimony.

Booklvr and Bonnie both have excellent ideas.

Note to Dina...there may be so many things going on in your head right now trying to find your own path after your fil passes, that my little suggestions may not get near to the top of the list! However, I will pass on that you could benefit from the Domestic Abuse/Social Services programs near you.
You said you had thought about seeing them for emergency help during a past arguement. Well, could you make time to actually go and visit? to find out what services they can provide you?
As we've all suggested, having your own income benefits you in many ways, not the least of which are self-image and self-worth. There are job training programs, legal services, even room and board provided by a caring community. Please look into it for yourself.
At least find out your options! And make a point of explaining how your husband has been very emotionally and verbally abusive...yet you are financially dependent upon him for your very existence. When the fil dies, that income will be stopped which I suspect will be a shock to your husband.
What you are worth now is $20 a week...what are you going to be worth after he dies? What are you worth to your husband and his kids?

Gathering information will help you determine your options. You can find out what rights you have over income and property jointly shared with your husband. At our local community center we have tons of programs for people who need help.
I am concerned that you will feel ashamed if you are not being the daughter in law or wife that you have always wanted to be...but Dina, no one is able to live up to all their self images of their duties.

for the last 2 1/2 years you have been caring for your fil...when he passes you will have to find a new path to explore...with or without your marriage. You said you and your husband have gone through some very difficult times. And you made it! Just because you did make it through those times, doesn't mean you need to continue on that same path for the future.
You haven't mentioned children of your own. Is/are they a factor in your future decisions?
Remember Georgia2 who told us she was divorced and homeless at 57 when she started into the caregiving profession? You clearly have been a wonderful caregiver with great compassion even with the difficulties you've faced with a non-supportive husband. I bet you could be professionally trained/certified and go out there and be a valued provider, live-in or not.

You are clearly unhappy with the way things have been with hubby. If you don't want to continue on that same path, then get off the road. You can't change him, as you well know.
But you can change yourself, Dina. It may sound crazy but try to think of where you want to be, what you want to be doing, (see yourself with and/or without him) in five years. How are you going to be financially sound, physically strong, safe and emotionally able to look at life and be glad you are alive...in just five years?
Just thinking how you have spent all these years caring for others and now you just simply must look to yourself for the years ahead.
"you are the master of your destiny" or something like that!
Just know we are all proud of you and wish you all the very best.
Bonnie

Yes, you might as well start charging. Put aside that money for your "getaway." Don't discount that your hubby has no money. It could be what HE is telling you. Anyway, if you're in a no-fault state that divides everything in half - well, you call sell the house (if you own one) and split the proceeds. Even if he has no money, you can try for alimony - until you're back on your feet again. This is NOT called Charity. This is what was owed to you when you stood by your husband from thick to thin (his father) in lieu of his emotional/physical support of caregiving for his father. I know you won't do it but....it would be really, really nice to get something out of him - in order to support yourself. Because there is No Guaranty that HE would be satisfied with the "status quo" of your marriage. Please plan ahead and start doing something..... I liked Pamela's idea. I think it's time to start being a detective and check what is Really up with hubby and his finances.

PamelaSue,
Take him to the cleaners? No point,as he has very little money. He has spent just about everthing he has ever had on musical equipment, making a cd, and did not work for almost a year. He had a small setlement from his previous marriage and blew it all years ago.
For me to take him to the cleaners, that would take an attorney, and money I do not have.
If he is having an affair, I do not even care any longer.
It's just not worth the effort.
It's good to hear the perspective from others. I always knew how selfish he was. He has done so many countless things that hurt me. And guess where he learned this behavior? His dad.
I don't want anything from him other than expences to move when his father passes and a cheap car.
I feel so stupid. I keep going back to " should of, could of, would of"
But, I believe God has me here for a purpose and a lesson to be learned.
I use to be so in love with my husband and we both have been through so much together, other than his father's situation. I thought he was the one.
Now, I do not even like him.
I was able to speak to my fil about his desires for funeral arrangements......what kind of memorial? Favoritre hymns, etc. His response was his son would take care of it all ( i almost busted out laughing, as I am the one who has been making arrangements, talking to funeral homes, so far ). My fil also said," well, I'm going to be here for a long time " well, I thought in that case, maybe I will bring up the subject of money. I think $300 per month is more than fair.
Thanks,
Dina

His father has a short time to live and your husband is going to a concert? And spending the night? Umm, this does not pass the smell test. Reread Pamela's suggestions.

Dina, you are a far better person than either of them deserve. While your husband is away raid his drawers, his computer, any external hard drives, and any place he keeps things and find out everything about him you can. Just a sneaking suspicion. You need to take him to the cleaners when you divorce him. You have been used and abuse far too long.

Dina, I'm soooo sorry. Sorry that your husband is so self-centered that he only thinks of himself and no one else. I'm sorry that he has not appreciated you in his life - just as he does not appreciate his father (actions speak louder than words.) All around, I think this experience (of caring for his father, of his Lack of Support for you, for his Always Being Out) was an eye opener, isn't it? Times like these show the true personalities of people.

The shortness of breathes - mom had that about 2 weeks before she passed away. It always seems to happen in the mornings. When I mentioned that she would cough, and then struggle to breathe, or she barely breathes and other times she's panting (as if struggling to breathe)...several people on this site told me that mom was close to the end. So, from my recent experiene, I think your fil is also close to the end.

I'm so proud of you for still trying to do your best for your fil - no matter how difficult the situation is from him, and your husband. And it looks like you will still be there till the end. After that, you said you may decide to stay or go. But, remember from this experience, your husband has proven how Unreliable and emotionally detached he is with the care of his father. This might apply to you in the future. As long as you know this, you should be fine with whatever decision you make - stay or go. HUGS!! to you.

Ugh! YOU are supposed to be his best friend and wife! Does he really have no clue that his callousness, or assumption/belief that women are just supposed to do all the care and caring, have made your relationship so nearly beyond repair??

Thank you for letting us know what is happening at your house.
You are certainly earning your wings for Heaven!
Keep us posted.

To All,
No my fil is not a vet and makes a bit too much for medicaid. In Nc, you have to make $960 or less. I have asked the hospice social worker, and she said he would have to be on medicaid in order for me to be paid by state. It still would not hurt for me to check with the area on aging, again.
My fil had this strange look earlier today, very shallow breaths. Called the nurse and she believes he's in the transitional stage of dying.
I do not think now, would be a good time for me to bring up money. I do not think he will live but a few more weeks.
My husband is off to see a concert tonight, which I wanted him to go and then he tells me he is spending the night with his best friend and wife, who is taking him. I just think it sucks; esp.. for his dad. He told me yesterday he was taking today off so he would not be late for the concert. How about a day off to spend with your dad?
I think I am past the point of caring any more. He, my husband has also said something about leaving the property to his son from a previous marriage, when he passes. That is something I am sure my fil wants too. It's not as if this property is grand; just an acre of land with an older double-wide trailer.
I am pretty sure, after his father's passing, I will leave. After all of this, who knows how I will feel, but loving towards my husband is diminshing each day.
Thanks to all,
Dina

Just a short note regarding payment for care. In California, in order to receive IHSS (In Home Support Services,) the client must be on MediCal. I found out after my father completed the application and I turned it in. Also, the client actually applies, and names the person who will receive payment . They also have the ability to "fire" you! On the other hand, check with your county for elder care services. There should be be an ombudsman in the county, here we have an agency called Area Agency On Aging. They can direct you to lots of help for yourself as well as your father in law. I'm still learning all the ropes, but found a support group at the local hospital that is wonderful. It is professionaly facilitated and once again, the doors opened with help, ideas, support, and lots of sharing of experiences at local facilities and so on. Lastly, if you father in law is a vet, GET TO THE VA! My father gets his meds through them, all paid for. I was also able to arrange dental, vision, hearing and physical therapy for him. Someone told me to look at each day as "in the moment." I used that thought often with my mom who passed away from Alzeheimers and cancer, and am now trying to apply it with my dad, who is not demented. It's a tough road we are walking for sure, but you are brave and remember, not alone on the journey! Take care!!

Dina, as Georga2 said, she had been paid to provide care to some other folks, through the state disabilities and senior services. Maybe you could have your fil apply for that service if it is in your state. It comes from medicad, she said.
Again, talk to the hospice workers and see if they can give you some tips.
By chance, was your fil in the military?
How are YOU doing???

Your husband has one hell of a lot of nerve. After I got done kicking his butt down the front porch stairs into the fertilized garden, I'd let him really have it after that. That is all.

I know the feeling and you need to start taking care of yourself tell hubby he needs to step up start by telling hubby and FIL they need to hire someone to come in every day to give you a break they refuse fine tell them you will be out and than go. Also tell hubby you need money for clothes and a spa day pronto. I have found people can only take advantage if you allow it. Don't

I feel your pain. I care take my 85 year old father 24/7 and am having the same feelings you are. Dad finally agreed to go to an adult health/day care center 3x a week. Even though it is only for about 4 hours, he is going kicking and screaming and can't find anything positive to say about it. And the place is AWESOME! Can you have someone come in a day or two to give you some relief? It is amazing what a little free time will do for you. My family members all talked a good game about helping out and once dad got here, they scattered like rats, so here I am. Like my husband said, "They get to go home, we don't." I don't think other people realize what a hard job caretaking is, I feel like I have an 85 year old spoiled toddler in the house. Does your father in law treat you differently than other people? I have been told that is very common, as we are the "safe one." I know its hard to stay calm during an outburst, my dad actually sticks his finger in my face and I make sure I keep a distance, I think he would hit me if he could. One thing I have found is that if I don't engage him, he kind of stops. He is not getting the reaction he wants, I feel upset, but empowered by removing myself from the situation. Lastly, we are women, not slaves. I lost my job 2 years ago, so some people think this was meant to be. I say you try to keep up the house, inside and out, cook, launder, taxi drive, manage meds and doctors appointment and take verbal abuse 24/7, etc. Not a job for the weak of heart. My heart goes out to you!

Sounds like your husband just "announces" that he is going to be spending weekends away, etc. Well. It's time for your own "announcements." Start by announcing that you are not going to do this by yourself any longer and that from now on you will be absent from the house for however many days a week you choose, and they will therefore have to find an alternative for FIL's care themselves while you are away. And ... "announce" that you are demanding a raise. Make a few calls, find out what it would cost to hire someone to do what you do, and "announce" that you will have to be paid "X" amount or you are quitting. Good luck!

I have been in this situation caring for my elderly dad for 8 years. My opinion might differ from everyone else's here. Though it's very hard and stressful, the situation can be alleviated with regular in-home help from both nurse's aides and from elder companions. I had both for my dad, and it gave his days a sense of "agenda", especially when the companion came and did artwork with him. Now that my dad is gone (as of August 2012), I have no regrets in that we did the best we could for him in the last days of his life. He too had COPD, though none of us knew it until he was hospitalized with cellulitis and later, pneumonia. Caring for people in their last days is a special calling, and so very few see it as such. Regarding an elderly person being "demanding", it is usually due to their state of dementia -- as we also found out later. So that isn't really THEM talking to you or treating you that way -- it's a result of the disease altering their brain, body and emotional system. America isn't geared through societal support to care for the elderly in-home -- but many other countries and cultures are. It's really a great act of mercy and kindness to do what's best for them, even it temporarily isn't what you want for yourself. That's real love -- doing what's best for another person even when it means great sacrifice and discomfort for yourself for awhile. I am a devout Catholic, and feel confident I will see my parents again, and they will thank us for what we did for them. I wouldn't want to face them having done anything differently.

"Make a new plan Stan" Welcome to my world. I gained 100 lbs dealing with this myself. I couldn't leave if I wanted to. Alas, I don't want leave I love my husband. He really tries and we are truly a team. From what you write it sounds like your husband is using you. See if you can join him at the horse farm....If not.....Jump ship sweetheart while you still can.

Dear Dinagrey: I feel for you, I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't! I know when I was the only one caring for my parents, I felt resentment, but on the other hand, I also felt like I was helping, as I'm sure you felt when you first began this journey! Your father-in-law is not your responsibility! If it were me, I think I would give my husband a time frame & say "by --------you are responsible for caring for your own dad, I will help up to that point & time, but if you want to locate caregivers, you will have to tell me so within that time frame! I feel I have done more than my part & it is all your responsibility to do your part! I feel like you have abandoned me & have dumped all your responsibility on me! I have no life & want my life back! If you don't want to do this, then just say so instead of coming up with all these excuses! I feel like taking care of your dad, is all you have me around for!" If you are worried about loosing your marriage, you will have to ask yourself 'what kind of marriage do I have now,' where I have to take care of an elderly person that is not my parent, where I have had it all dumped on me & where I am treated with no respect! Your husband is wrong in what he has done to you & I agree, stand up for yourself it is going to kill you the way you are going! I'm sure you are a very loving person, but when you don't want to do this care, then the person you are caring for will pick up on your concerns & probably act worse toward you, he may be elderly, but he can still feel! It isn't fair to your father-in-law either to be cared for by someone that isn't responsible for him! He is probably mad that his son is not caring for him & has dumped this on his wife!

Take care of yourself first! If you don't no one else will! Good luck, hugs, M1953

Thank you Georgia2! I hope Dina will print that entry out so she can go over it with the aim of getting her husband and fil on track.
I admire you for the work you do. Glad to hear the "good" experiences have made you want to continue in this field. Thanks! Bonnie

I am the caregiver that BonnieW referred too. I care for a 93 yo woman, who is in no way related. Didn't know any of her family when her son called me and asked me if I wanted to live in his mothers house in a basement apartment. He had gotten my name from a woman I worked for, for just a short time. My previous client (and best friend) had passed away and I was going through a divorce. I found myself without a job or home at 56 years old. I was scared. Back to my job...

I drove to the prospective clients home and it was awesome. My apartment looks over the Columbia River in NW Oregon. I pay no rent and no utilities. I have a private entrance and my own garage and a million dollar view on acreage and I love to garden!

When I 1st came here all I did was make sure she had groceries and took her medication. I had 2 other state paid caregiving jobs so I agreed no money for my services in exchange for rent and utilities.

I soon found myself spending more and more time with my lady because her family had neglected her and her home. It took me 3 weeks to clean out all the nasty spiders in my apartment. Disgusting.

In the fall she had a heart attack and I was asked what it would cost for me to take care of her full time. It costs them what I gave up. My income and medical and dental insurance from my other jobs.

It should be more. The state of Oregon paid me through medicaid $4000.00 per month to take care of my friend before he passed. He was a lot more care than my current client because he was on a ventilator but I paid nothing for rent or groceries and had medical and dental through the Seniors and People with Disabilities of Oregon.

Being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had, emotionally, but it is also the most rewarding job I have ever had. Frustrating at times. Being witness to uncaring family members that are content to dump it all in my lap so they don't have to deal with it. Then when it is over and my client passes away, I am thanked politely and that is that. That is why in my contract I have worded it so that I am allowed to live here rent and utility free for 3 months, to prepare for the move and secure other clients.

You need to have a task list written out. Work on it with you FIL so it doesn't feel like you are just demanding things. Make him involved with the process and have some tasks for his son to spend time with him as well. It should include what he expects you to do and not do. How many hours a day is expected and what he is willing to pay. What you are willing to do and not do. When are your hours and days off. You can not be expected to be "on call" 24/7. You need to make it clear and in writing. Then give a copy to each member of the family that is involved and make sure that if he needs anything from you and it is your time off...you will be calling them. No exceptions. They will test you but be firm and matter of fact. You could write in the contract that if no one else is available, that the cost for you giving up your piece of mind time will cost them dearly. Negotiate on everything you can, 20 dollars a week at prices these days is not even enough to put gas in your car. The contract doesn't have to be anything more than what I have outlined but ask for everything you need to be comfortable and keep him safe. It doesn't have to be a formal contract to be a binding contract. Ask for what you need to be happy and what will make him happy.

I have been doing this type of work off and on for 30 plus years and have been ripped off, called names, had full urinals thrown at me, been accused of stealing from a client because I cleaned his apartment and put things where they belonged. I have also been loved and have met some incredible people. I allow people to die at home with love and dignity. I love my job.

Seems to me you need a well spelled out contract with your husband and FIL so there are few misunderstandings.
Were you able to find the agingcare question I was refering to earlier?
Prepare for the meeting as you would with any employeer. get your information together which should include salary/job comparesons in your town/neighborhood. Look at ads in the local paper and see if ANY would relate to the work you do.
Call a caregiving service (if there is one) and check on rates for xxx work.
Ask the hospice aid what she is paid and the limitations of the work.
Find out as much as you can about what other aids are being paid (include live in as well).
Are you thinking your "share" of any rent would be $400? Or is that your guess for both of you? Find out the cost for a live in person in your area!
Also, consider the medical insurance, dental insurance, vacations, etc. If he had to hire someone, he would pay plenty!
Put it down in black and white. I bet it will surprise you!

I think you will find more reasonable salary if you can show both your husband and his father that you are needed by them!

Come up with a fair "contract" (you can probably find some examples on line or make up your own) that you would be willing to work with. Don't settle for $8 an hour. That's rediculous. clearly define your working hours and your "family time". Such as, you fix breakfast, lunch and dinner...If you have to make anythinig special for him, then that's work hours. If you feel that is something you'd do anyway for your family, then that's family/free time. The problem is separating the two or you may find his ordering you around as a maid, at his beckon call.
Again, I bet the hospice aide can help you.
Be prepared before the family meeting! Have copies of all the documents and treat this as close to a business meeting as possible. Keep calm and smile.

If you present a reasonable proposal, they may comply. If they will not change the $$ and work ... well, you'd be glad to help your FIL interview other people.
Know clearly in your mind what you really WANT.
Put it in writing for yourself and then focus on tweeking it. Put in writing what you think your FIL needs and how many hours a day it takes.
That way you have something to work with that is not emotional.
Do you think you can do that?

Let me know!
Bonnie

BonnieW,
Started thinking yesterday@ the money my fil pays me. Then I did the math. His house is paid for,as well as his vehicle. he has three credit card bills ( which I do not think he will ever pay off, but has credit life on two ) and just general household bills that add to abouy 500 per month.
I know agency caregivers charge any where bewteen 19-21 dollars an hour, three hour minimum. Now, lets say that I am paid 8 bucks an hour ( minimum wage here ) and caculate all I do to 30 hours a week. Thats 240 a week. Now lets say that I have to pay rent at 400 a month.That would equal to 560 a month in pay that I am not getting. His check every month, with a pension he also gets is about 1700 a month.
Time to have a talk soon.
thanks,
Dina