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😡 It’s only 11 o’clock. I could be at a party.
(me at 26 at a party)
😡 It’s already 11 o’clock. I could be at home, in bed.
1.free food
2.free rent
3.sleep as long as you want to
4.look great with no effort
X: Yesterday's pizza! 🥰
(X opens the box.)
X: Dang! It's empty...
He was only supposed to eat half. He betrayed me.
Y: Who betrayed you?
X: My past self.
Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.
—
Are you on stupid pills?
—
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
—
I smell smoke. Were you thinking too hard again?
Too many people are watching.
insults without swearing:
My mother allways told me to be nice or be quiet. I presume you've not heard from yours in years?
—
Your parents aren’t even disappointed in you. They know this is the best you can do.
—
I once asked a girl, “Where have you been all my life?”
Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.”
—
I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
—
🥰 I'm genuinely excited to never interact with you again.
—
Somewhere somehow you are robbing a village of an idiot.
—
Bless your heart.
—
🥰 You are one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
One reason that cats are happier than people is that they have no newspapers.
A: A cat. A cat loves fish.
it's all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books
a week and yet complains about how much he hates prison.
has clearly never had 2 candy bars
fall down at once from a vending machine.
It's a small, cute terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested let me know
and I'll jump over my neighbour's fence and get it for you.
best served eventually.
Woman: Nonsense!...I'd love you no matter who left you a fortune!
In between my moments of guilt for leaving them...are hours and hours of utter happiness.
a loving heart
and a clear mind
that some people
can still kiss my
a***s.
There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe your soul.
Even if it's cold.
Over ice.
With a celery stalk.
And vodka.
Me: (Have never made a decision that didn't screw me over for months afterwards.) Yes, absolutely.
I look normal, but believe me,
I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
I don't.
I have early onset
rigor mortis.
and remember, you’re pawsome!!
🐾🐾🙂🙂
Spoiled dogs (and their household staff) live here. 🙂
About the computer industry:
We've created life in our own image.