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Tonight...I'm drinking until I'm someone else's problem.
(2)
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Pool rules:
You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with the words
“Hey everyone watch this!”
(2)
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I walk around like everything is OK…but deep down inside, I want to put up my Xmas tree.
(2)
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it - you should probably get rid of the chainsaw…just in case.
(3)
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing,

and a lot of them are really good at it.
(3)
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A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered: “Kindergarten”.
(3)
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Finally fixed that annoying noise in my car…
I opened the door and pushed him out.
(2)
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Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
(3)
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So…a burglar broke into my house…
I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest…
(3)
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I don’t “fall asleep” -
I overthink myself into a coma.
(2)
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They say…
curiosity killed the cat.

I say…
at least the cat died knowing.
(2)
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🤔
I can’t tell if it’s killing me
or it’s making me stronger.
(2)
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Success (noun)

When you can finally give your dog the backyard it deserves.
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🙂 "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
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🙄 “Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.” 
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😉 I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
(1)
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hugggg
🙂🙂🌼🌼🙂🙂
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Bundleofjoy, this is not a joke but I wanted to tell you something. I took Mom to eye doctors today, I'm not sure why but what you said about laughing at evil yesterday, must of really got in my head.

When the secretary asked mom to put me on as a refural, and she said no , I couldn't stop giggling. My evil brother would have a fit if he wasn't 110 percent in charge, and I couldn't stop giggling at the insanity of it all

Then we run into my sister, who randomly had a doctors visit too, and I started to giggle again.

So thanks for the laughs today.
(2)
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🤓 The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.


(bundle of joy currently experiencing this)
(4)
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That’s it.
I’ve used up my luck for the year!
🍀🍀🍀
(2)
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Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast).
You came to the right person.
(4)
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Who set up my mood on shuffle?
(2)
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Me: Am I lonely or bored??

Stomach: Let’s just eat until we figure it out.
(4)
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🙂 "Looks like a great day to be a problem."
(4)
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"Living well is the best revenge."

Alexa, what is the second-best revenge?
(4)
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🙂 "If you wanna see my fold, you gotta catch me at a laundromat."
(3)
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Sometimes I delete my own posts
because I'm not the same person I was 4 minutes ago.
(3)
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The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.
(3)
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Nobody told me that when you get married the ears are sold separately.
(4)
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Marriage (noun)

A fancy way of saying I'll put up with you forever.
(4)
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