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Neither one works.
Those were the days…
because we don’t realize that they’re unbelievably stupid.
Deleting tons of photos.
The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
The last two minutes of a soccer or a cricket match.
The annoying thing between sleep and Netflix.
It just comes naturally.
If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advice.
A person who proves that the diagnosis you found on the internet is wrong.
😉 A caregiver gets held up at gunpoint by a mugger who says, "Your money or your life!"
The caregiver says, "Is there a third thing? I don't have either of those."
A receding hairline.
Sole.
🐄 What kind of music do cows listen to? 🐄
Pastoral.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap
A man goes up to a woman sitting at a desk. There’s a trash can next to her.
Man: I would like to file a complaint.
Woman: Submit it here.
(she points at the trash can)
Man: (shocked)
You don’t even hide that it’s a trash can?!
Woman: We pride ourselves on our transparency.
Man: (upset; submits his written complaint into the trash can.)
Woman: Please accept our sincerest apology.
69 days till Xmas.
Be naughty, save Santa the trip.
I have strategically placed chocolate in various locations.
I’m not saying I hate you.
But, I do catch myself fantasizing about you being attacked by honey badgers, barefoot in a desert of legobricks, near a Bieber concert.