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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Here are some good one-liners.
I always mean what I say. I may not have meant to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everybody's garden.
You may be dyslexic - if you find that life keeps giving you melons.
You know how sometimes you smack a computer or a printer or some appliance with your hand real hard and it gets back to working? Too bad you usually aren't allowed to do that with people.
Have you heard about the new trend of rectal-colonic bleaching? It's a cure for all those ***holes who need to lighten up.
You're still normal...as long as you put your straitjacket on one buckle at a time just like everybody else.
I didn't trip and fall - I was just doing a random gravity check.
I'm not saying you've crossed the fine line between drinking enthusiast to alcoholic, but the mosquitos that bite you are checking themselves into the Betty Ford clinic.
What do Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
Oh wait - do I really have free time or did I just forget all the stuff I'm supposed to do?
If he yells CODE 2, she best run into the bedroom.
When he yells CODE 3, that means to drop the laundry.
One day he yells all the codes at her. She follows his orders. He runs in and jumps in bed. Wife yells CODE 4! Hubs says, what the hell is code 4? Wife replies, WE NEED MORE HOSE OVER HERE....
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“Yeah, well, because….Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”
“Perfect," says the man, "that sounds great I'll take one of those”
He gets the centipede home and says “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the pub and have a couple of beers?”
The man gets no response. Maybe he is a little shaken up from the ride home he thinks. I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.
10 mins later the man says “Would you like head down the pub for a beer?
Again no response. The man thinks to himself. I’ll give him another 15mins and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.
15 mins later the man says to the centipede “Mate, do you want to go down the pub for a beer or not?!”
The centipede replies “I’m putting my shoes on, you impatient bastard!”
Pilgrims
The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to fall asleep.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, then you'll ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde quietly reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all the references he could find on the internet; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets shorter and shorter, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"
The medical examiner said, "Well, it could be Bubba and probably is, but I can't really say for sure because of the condition of the body. We'll need to get dental records to tell for sure." The sheriff said, "Yes but that will take time. I'd like to be able to tell his family something before that." The medical examiner said, "Bubba's friends Vern and Elmer aren't the brightest Crayolas in the box, but they probably know Bubba better than anybody else. If anyone can look at this body and say whether it's Bubba, it would be one of them." The sheriff said, "Ok, I'll go find them and ask them to come take a look."
The sheriff came back with Vern and Elmer. Vern came in to look at the body. He said,"I don't know. It's hard to tell since the body is so burned. Hey, I know. Turn him over onto his stomach." They rolled the body over, Vern looked closely and said, "That's definitely not Bubba." They turned the body back over and brought in Elmer. He said, "It's really hard to say. Turn him over on his stomach." Elmer took a close look and said, "Ok, now I'm positive that isn't Bubba."
The sheriff said, "I don't get it. You both look at this body from the front and can't tell, but you both look at it from the back and you're sure it isn't Bubba. Why is that?"
Elmer said, "Because Bubba's got two a$$holes." The sheriff and medical examiner both stared at him in amazement, and Vern said, "Yeah. That's how I knew it wasn't him."
The medical examiner said, "I've been a medical examiner for over 20 years and I've never heard of such a thing. Has either of you actually seen this condition?" Elmer said, "No, but it's true. Everybody knows it." The sheriff said, "What do you mean everybody knows it? How do you know everybody knows it?" Elmer said, "Well, every time me and Bubba and Vern go anywhere, people say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"
So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.
A gyno was to perform his first unsupervised exam on a lady. He was nervous as could be. So to hide his nervousness he began to whistle a tune. The patient began laughing almost uncontrolled. When the Dr. ask what was so funny, she responded that the tune he was whistling was the Oscar Meyer hot dog tune.
But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
He said to me
"Well done. That will make you a big, strong, girl"
One out of 3 isn't bad. Hahahaha
Well I am 72/3(so not a girl), Have arthritis (so not strong) overweight hahaha
If you cannot laugh at yourself, should you really laugh at others?
With YES but AT????
Why did the Israelites wander in the desert for forty years?
Moses refused to stop and ask for directions.