By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pull up alongside. "Hey! Let's see your boobies,
you stuck up penguins! shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superor turns to Sister Immuaculata and says, "I
don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"%^&$ off you nasty little £$%^&, before I come over there and
rip your t3tsic@l3s off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"
St. Pete turns to the first nun and asks, "Name three of Jesus' disciples."
"Oh that's easy," the first nun replies, "Matthew, John, and James."
The bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open and the first nun enters.
St. Pete turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was Moses?"
The nun confidently replies, "Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open a second time and the second nun enters.
Finally, St. Pete addresses the third nun. "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The third nun pauses for a long moment and mutters, "Gosh, that's a hard one."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open....
rainmom ,
the young bull wants to RUN down the hill and bone a heifer . the old bull wants to WALK down there and bone them all .
everybody else is getting by with murder here so here goes ;
love the narc / bull joke pam ..
My husband does not get the humor in the tadpoles/future turtle joke. How can I explain that? And the fact that Monday is just not going well.....hmmmmmnn.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer the doctor struck up a conversation with the older man. Eventually the topic of elections and politicians came up and what each thought of the potential leaders.
The old farmer said ‘Well ya know, most politicians are like post turtles’
‘Post turtles?’ queried the doctor
‘Yup Post turtles….when ya drive down the road and ya see a turtle on a fence post thats a post turtle’
The doctor still looked puzzled. The old farmer continued ‘Now y’all know he didn’t get up there by himself, he don’t belong up there, he don’t know what to do while he is up there, see he is elevated beyond his ability to function and you have to wonder what dumb arse thought it would be a good idea to put him up there to begin with’
Thats a pretty good explanation of politicians everywhere methinks
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what .' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)??
'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
Thank you, A fellow Care giver.
"well that's perfectly understandable" one of his friends chimed in, "being out in the jungle, about to be eaten by a wild beast.."
"NO NO NO NO! FOOL! Not THEN! Just NOW, when I jumped up out of the table, to tell the story and explain how I roared....just NOW, I wet myself...."
Texting for Seniors:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
.John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
Here is my contribution for today.
I love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better – everything Cow eats in one package!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
A few minutes later, he comes back and hands her a plate of scrambled eggs. She looks down at the eggs, looks up at him, sighs deeply, and says, "And where's the toast?"
"I used the fly swatter, Mommy!" At the horrified look on Mommy's face, the little girl quickly added, "Oh, I didn't use the new one. I used the old one!"
But here's a short animal joke.
Person 1: What mouse walks on 2 legs?
Person 2: Hmm, I dunno.
Person 1: Mickey Mouse
Person 1 again: What duck walks on 2 legs?
Person 2: Hmm, Donald the duck?
Person 1: All ducks walk on 2 legs
:D
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
They finally reach the husband and he rushes to the hospital, very apologetic for having been unavailable earlier. His wife forgives him, and he says, "Well, what are we going to name the babies?" The wife says, "I told my brother he could name them, since he got me to the hospital in time." The husband says, "What?! Your brother's an idiot. How could you let him name our children?" She says, "He was here for me when I needed him, so it seemed only fair." He says, "What did he name them." She says, "He named the girl Denise." He says, "That's a good name. Maybe I underestimated your brother. Maybe he's smarter than I thought. What did he name the boy?" She says, "De nephew."