Follow
Share
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

21 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
oh be very careful! my parents had a horrible woman who isolated dad from his family and my mom was in the back of the house...the woman called my dad "baby boy" and would kiss him goodnight! she got him to get 2 caregivers and was not paying them the proper amount, pocketing the extra for herself. when i confronted her, she told me i was just after his money and she was worth the $360,000 per year my parents were paying her! she also redecorated their house without my mom's approval or input...and much more...i truly believe she was getting ready to take over as my dad's new wife after she got rid of my mom! thank god my sister fired her before it was too late! get your dad away from her, no matter how you have to do it. tell him it's fine if he likes her, but will need a different "caretaker." there's a big conflict of interest and she's going to fleece him for everything he's worth. watch out!
(1)
Report
I'd make sure first that he added one of his kid's name to his bank account. You can tell him it's in case something happened to him, or whatever, but I would never give her total access to his money. It's too bad isn't it? Your dad is lonely and she's taking advantage of that. That stinks.
(0)
Report
Does the background check show how many times she's been married? She could be running through old mates one after another. There are gals who have this sort of fraud down to an artform.
(0)
Report
Saddened,
Did your father have a will when he passed and who was named Executor of that will. If so, there may indeed be a legal way to reclaim "possession" of some of his estate. You will need to consult a lawyer (preferably one familiar with Elder Law practices) and file a claim in a reasonable time or the current arrangement will stand.
You state that "there has to be some legal way to STOP" this. There are many laws that cover situations like this but YOU have to file a claim to use these laws. Otherwise, the State assumes you are satisfied with the results.
And if your father died without having a Will, then you have a better chance of recovering the estate because the State applies certain rules to tax and dispense the estate to relatives of the deceased. This can put you on equal footing with your father's wife in the way the estate is dispensed. BUT YOU HAVE TO MAKE A LEGAL CLAIM This is best done through a knowledgeable attorney. BTW-Could your father have had a Prenuptial Agreement before he married? This can have the same protection as a Will in some States and is designed to prevent situations like you experienced. It basically says that marriage notwithstanding, my entire estate is transferred to (a named beneficiary) upon my death. If any woman had motives other than true love she would refuse to sign such an agreement and would be exposed for the fraudulent person she is.
(0)
Report
I am living a very similiar nightmare. My father who was in his 80's married my mother's caretaker. They were engaged 1 month after her passing. He was in his 80's, she in her 40's. She was able to brainwash him and use his fear of being alone (which would not have been the case at all) against him and manipulated him. She was able to alienate him from his family and friends with all her lies. My father has now passed and she took possession of everything as his "wife" which just makes me ill to even type that. There has to be some legal way to STOP predators like them. There is nothing moral or ethical about them. What they are doing is plain WRONG and criminal. Follow you gut instincts on this.
(1)
Report
Exactly..I feel beginning such a relationship with your client/patient is very unethical. Anyone compromising a job that they supposedly love seems to raise another "red flag".
(0)
Report
I guess the problem is that not everyone has the same standards when it comes to ethics. I do hope the fellow has found his soulmate, but sadly he probably doesn't care too much if he is having fun. Not unless he finds himself in a bad way for having been too trusting.

Sounds alot like the beginning of King Lear!
(0)
Report
In Canada, this would be highly unethical. If she belongs to an association there will be standards about not having such a relationship. The agency that employs such a person ought to be told. You need to speak to somebody about this.

If she dispensed his meds she would have to be a nurse in Canada. I would make a formal complaint to the governing body for nurses.

I know that such people are at risk for violating ethical practices, if not immoral ones.

Again, document everything.
Speak to any agencies involved.

All professionals in Canada (doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, etc.) have ethics standards that preclude personal involvement for 3 years, in some cases.
(0)
Report
Ez care..thank you for all of your bits of wisdom. You are correct that I am approaching this as both my "fathers", and "mothers" daughter. Having said that, I'm more my mothers daughter at this point in time..certainly I do want Dad to be healthy, and happy..which he's looking the b est he has since mom passed away a year ago. Yes, I do have some resentment over the relationship which started with this caregiver of dads within three months of moms passing. Dad was playing poker with the guys while I stayed by her side during her last few days at the hospital..he couldn't "take it any longer" I joined a grief share group after I was widowed myself a few years back..so I do understand the lonliness after loosing a spouse..and men in general hop in to a relationship sooner than women. The red flags to me were..her being one of dads caregivers (somewhat familiar with his medical, and financial standing), she is an active women 21 years younger, and doesn't own property/home with numerous collection agencies after her these last ten years. I don't feel I resent the fact that dad is dating...it's just the womens backgrou nd. thanks again for the thoughts..I am getting a better grip on how I want to handle the situation, and do feel at this point in time I need to tell dad I know he has a girlfriend, I and his grandchildren are hurt that he would tell us so many lies. I don't want to alienate either of them at this point in time, and would like to meet the lady friend????? lovingdaughter..not sure there is anything an attorney could pursue at this point in time..dad doesn't have alzheimers, or dementia.
(0)
Report
You need to make a formal com plaint and get a lawyer involved before it is too late. If she is licensed, the licensing body needs to be maed aware of her actions. I would do this before it is too late.
(0)
Report
Are you approaching this as "your mother's daughter" or "your father's daughter" I sense both forces are driving your concern. As your mother's daughter you see your father's behavior as disrespectful and are perhaps a little jealous of dad's attention to the other woman in his life. But I also sense a legitimate concern for your father's welfare. So as your mother's daughter, you want to break up this relationship before the unthinkable happens: he marries the other woman. As your father's daughter however, you need to step back a bit. If this other woman turns out to be just what the doctor ordered for your father's final years, then your interference may cause more pain to your father than anything this new woman in his life could. As I said earlier, you are doing the prudent thing so far. Trust this other woman but verify everything she says and plans to do with your father. If it all pans out, you may wind up with a happy father and a loving step-mother. If it does not pan out, you will be in a position to take the necessary legal and financial action to protect your father.Tread carefully!
(1)
Report
This lady works for a large retirement home where dad lives..you can live there unassisted or assisted..very nice place. Last year when I reported it I was told"she is a very nice women, we spoke with her about not fraternizing with the clients..and will not have her dispensing meds to your father anymore. " I was told also "all empolyees during training are told not to develope boyfriend/girlfriend relastionships"..still she continues. So she has been told at leat twice! I believe she worked at another facility before coming to this one..not sure why she left other one. One concern is they will elope. Thanks for all you input..I'm taking it all in, and will most likely use bits and pieces in handling the situation. I do feel dad is a prime canidate for her wanting to marry!
(0)
Report
Where did this lady come from? Was she from an agency or someone who was privately hired? If it's a reputable agency, they will certainly want to know what's going on. Not that it will help you with your dad's situation, but maybe it will help someone else down the road.
(0)
Report
It sounds unethical to me. I would let her know that you are on to her. Watch his bank accounts and the valuables in the house. We had a live-in steal from mom after dad died. She was also stealing food when she thought no one was looking. Good luck.
(1)
Report
Ezcare is right. If your dad is feeling his oats and taking her on trips, he will defend his lady love even if it is his own daughter trying to look out for his interests.

Is not easy, the odds are not good that she is with him only for himself. But just like a teenager, try telling him that. Keep a kind eye on things, don't let her know your disapproval and keep really good records. Especially of the fact that she was hired as a caregiver. There is a thing called undue influence, but you want to prevent her having DPA for health directive and being his only voice if he becomes ill. good luck indeed.
(1)
Report
I think you have already done the right thing by keeping a close eye on the situation. However, like lhardbeck says, if your dad is of sound mind and able to fend for himself, there is not much more you can do. I would NOT confront your dad right away unless you sense he is in danger, then let the law handle it. Otherwise you will lose the advantage of knowing exactly what is going on and be able to watch from a distance. You will be ready to intervene whenever necessary. And be social to the woman so you don't push her underground. Let her tell you all the "grand plans" she has in mind for your father. As President Ronald Reagan said about dealing with the Societ Union "Trust--But Verify" Good luck!
(1)
Report
if he is a healthy man and has a right mind ofhis own . not alz or dementia then there is nothing you can do ..
but if he does then one of u sibling needs to do something about it . she sounds like a fraud , maybe she is wanted by the law ???
it is so sick for a younger age woman to be involed with a very old man . he s takin care of her more than shes takin care of him ....
(0)
Report
I think you need to let him know that you know he's lying. If he really likes this woman, you have to walk on eggshells when telling him about the background check. But if she really does make him happy, then perhaps it is best to just let it go? You don't want start a fight with your father.
(0)
Report
Yes, one of the caregivers who dispensed his meds..so I would assume knows his medical history. which is quite extensive. Recently she and dad went on a cruise together..dad payed. Background check showed several collection agencies have been after her, and it doesn't appear she owns a home/or property. Dad doesn't realize that I now know he's been lying (said he went with male friend to Hawaii)..and many more lies. Going to talk with him soon..how to approach both him, and girlfriend? Know it has to be with kid gloves in order not to alienate him.
(0)
Report
was she his caregiver?
(0)
Report
Wow! And, what's she want?
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter