Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

Hi everyone. Thank you for those kind words. Every word I'm holding close to my heart. I made it to the hospital by 2:30. The vent is off and for a couple of hours she held her own. Then her oxygen level dropped low. Out of her head. Did not know me. Kept calling me rae and talking about my cousins. Toilet on the ceiling, told me to go home and put a g..dam bra on. Remember those fit of giggles I go into at absolutely the most inappropriate times? It must have gotten really contagious because the whole icu staff were rolling with me. One told me how refreshing, because usually family are crying because they don't understand this behavior. She told me to get my ass to my room and wait for her. Uh oh. Hahahahaha.they got respiratory back down there stat and put her on a c- pap. Levels started climbing. So that's where we stand she's stabilized again. So Doug and I just got home from chapel house with last load. That's all done now. Waiting for the rain to stop some so we can unload the car. I've been there nearly every hour of the day since Friday. They have my numbers and told me they will call if her condition worsens in any way. Don't remember the last time Doug and I stole an afternoon nap. But that's our plan. Love to everyone! KAW rule!!!!!!!

Lisa I have read every word of this thread and said very little. But now I feel compelled to add my two cents again. You have given a beautiful and priceless gift of comfort to your mother, despite her history of making that dang near impossible for you. Your words to her before her last surgery, your graciousness and living grace inspire me in my own struggles to be the daughter-in-law my beloved hubby deserves. Lisa we should all be so blessed as to have a "you" in our lives. You live the Word, tuna-girl. Blessings. You can drive my bus any day. I send you and your my love.

You are gonna be OK.

Lisa: Some day your mom is going to pass away. When she does, all will be revealed, as they say. She will be given sight by God to see you as you are and to feel the pain she has caused you. It's safer for her to talk about her other children right now, because they are gone and can't comment. They lived in her world, you didn't and thank God for that kindness. I so appreciate the compassion you are willing to extend to her. That's why we all love you so much. You can draw the needed and very necessary line, but you can hold her hand and tell her what she needs to hear when death is closing in. Bless you.

Your mom is so damaged and has such mental illness. I can't imagine living with that all these many years. What a horrible life. You are the one child who was the faithful witness to all that happened. You have a light in you that shines and that is a gift from God. For what ever reason, someone had to witness all this pain and that person was you. Maybe someone on the planet has to be able to see and experience all of this and then have the capacity to forgive. I sure don't know how the universe works or how God works, but maybe those of us who can offer forgiveness form a bridge for others to get them to the other side.

I hate to say this, but if your mom leaving this world frees her of the prison she has lived in all her life, then I hope she can leave and be forgiven and renewed.

Sending you love, my tuna can sister. Just know I am keeping your mom in my prayers for all the right reasons.

Love, Cat

i suppose this sounds absolutely horrid, but if my mother were to go into surgery, i would not pray for it to go well. she sent Christmas gifts again, my sister dropped it off yesterday. just dime store junk store crap that i have no use for, only because she enjoys shopping, none of it has anything to do with any of us. she will drop $300 a day on good stuff for herself and then tell my sister that she needs stuff, would Jenn please buy stuff for her. she gave Jenn a 1 dollar bill for Jenn's birthday and asked Jenn for $100 worth of stuff for her own birthday in the same day. i'm going to donate the stuff to the Catholic 2nd Hand Store in town; i do not want anything in my house that reminds me of her. i'd rather contract bubonic plague. the witch is trying to buy my love and i am having nothing to do with her. nothing at all. she burned her bridges.

Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Prayers, peace, and love to you.

(((((((((Lisa)))))))))) You are doing so well. Your mum is not out of the woods yet, but no matter what happens you should have no regrets. I am so glad you were able to share your beliefs with her. ore (((((((((hugs)))))))). It is good that you are working in some rest etc. Look after you!!!

Lord, need to proof read. I'm going back up at midnight. Not doing the vent at midnight. Nite my friends!

She made it thru surgery. Can not get her off ventilator as of yet. They have moved her to icu. I stayed till she was settled. They plan on her sleeping and will try again at midnight. Going to try to get me some shuteye for a few hours, then I'll head back up when they try again. Before they took her to surgery she looked at me and said Lisa I don't think I'm meant to make it thru this. So I asked her are you scared to die. She told me not dying, but what it will be like. I sat there a couple of minutes. Then I got up and took her hand. I just said mom, I can only tell you what I believe. I believe when you leave this earth Johnny, Theresa, and patty will be here to help you cross over. I believe all the anger and hate that happened here will be left and you'll be welcomed with open arms. No judgement, no resentment. It's been 41 years since you've seen Johnny. So if you don't survive this, run to your children and love them. Just tell them hi for me. Well that seemed to help her some. I can do that much for her. I have it in me. Then she started with the remember when..... All memories of Theresa and her children. No memories remembered about me or mine. So I listened and smiled when appropriate. Aunt rae was silently crying and when they took her down we walked with her to the surgery doors. In the elevator she said Lisa I know I haven't....she didn't finish, just looked away. And I'm glad she didn't finish. So now they will try to take her off the vent around 2 or 3. I'm home and showered and gonna try to get a few hours sleep so I can be back when they try again. Lisa

Sending you peace, Lisa. Don't forget to breathe!!!!! God definitely has your back, your front and sides too. If your mom passes, at least she will be free of her mental sickness and torment. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Love, Cat

Thank you sharynmqrie. They thought her blood might be too thin so now they are finally coming for her. I left the room for a long time. I've decided if this is it, I will not allow her last words to me be vicious. Doug and aunt Rae are taking the brunt of her fear and anger. Just have to let them do this. I've made my grocery list. I've spoke to my boss about the possibilities. Trying to keep my mind busy. I've contacted every grandchild individually except the 2 crazy ass nephews. None will be coming. And that's ok. Their feelings are their own. God knows I understand. I've been to the chapel and had a nice conversation with god. Think I heard him say he's got my back. ;))) talk to you soon my friends

Lisa~Hugs to you and your family! It will be a long day for you. I hope the surgery goes well and it sounds like your mom will have long recovery. Her high risk is scary and all that you have been through with her, yet being the wonderful person you are, there you are at the hospital. Even in the condition she is in, she is still being the same difficult person. Update as you can, we are all with you today and many hugs to you!!

Dam. Sitting here in her hospital room. They've decided they can't wait any longer. Taking her at 10:30. All telling me the same thing. Very high risk. Will be on a ventilator . At this point they don't know what will happen after. He just told me she's as high risk as it gets. I told him she's too darn mean to let this get her. Had to call desk and make them take phone from her. Called me repeatedly bitching about "the service here" like it's a dam hotel. Called the nurse a bitch while on the phone with me. Dougs on his way here. Think I'll be here often today.

Oh Lisa, I'm so glad you had a chance to build up some strength for this episode. At the beginning of this thread you didn't even know if you could manage removing DQ from your home, and now look at you! You've come a long way, lady. I am also very very sad that you need all this strength just to deal with your mother.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give us an update. Hugs to you and to Doug and to Aunt Rae.

Lisa:

Thank you for bringing us up to date. I'm sorry about your mom, but I sure understand your feelings or lack of feelings in this situation. It's good to know that Diane stepped up and took control. Here's to Aunt Rae for setting her straight!!!!!

I'm holding you close to my heart, Lisa. I hope you can get some rest this weekend. Please give my love to Doug and Aunt Rae. I'm so glad you have Aunt Rae in your life.

Sending love and white light,

Cat

Hello everyone! Been a horribly busy 3 weeks for Doug and I. Received a call from hospital eg last visit and was told they would not release her to go home. She could no longer care for herself and needs a nursing home. Ok. Knew that was coming. So those sw's at the hospital got busy and found her one not far from the hospital. She has a social worker named Diane who I got off to a rocky start with. Once aunt rae set up her own little meeting with her they now better understand the situation, and no more pressure is being put on me to take guardianship or any type of poa. So Diane has become my rock thru this process. I have agreed to go to legal aid to set up the qit trust. Every medicaid form to be fille out is being handled by them.
For the last few weeks I've been going to chapel house going thru her things deciding what to take to nursing home and what will be given away. She's of course already accusing me of stealing her things and handing them out to the grandchildren. She's shown her ass several times to the staff because things she wants brought there isn't possible. But finally there's my new rock Diane who does her job. She's told me this is what she's trained for. This is her job. She will handle DQ, Doug and I do what we need to do. In front of me she has told mom how much she likes me. Mom just looked at her and said, and here I thought you were an intelligent woman. There's lots more drama, but I received a phone call yesterday from head nurse at nursing home. She fell. She has broken her femur and hip. She disobeyed the rules. Never take off your oxygen and always wait for the aid to transport her in a wheelchair if she wants to go to rec room or beauty shop. The hospital did their own xrays and confirmed the nursing home xrays but with a twist. She also has phnuemonia so they can't do the surgery yet. they were very candid about how dangerous this is for her. They are calling in her pulmonary specialist because they are certain she will need to be on a ventilator for surgery. And then after surgery will she be strong enough to be weened off. Lots of what ifs. Already know you guys are thinking hmmm, wonder how Lisa feeling bout all this. All of you know of my life with this woman. So just know I'm fine. It is what it is. I came home last night and was really trying to think of how I'll feel if she dies from this. There's just no emotion. I have a job to do. Doug aunt Rae and myself will do what needs to be done. Aunt Rae had one emotional moment last night thinking this just may be it. She may not pull through this. She explained hers are tears of regret that her sister lived her life in hate and anger and has missed out on so much. Then I apologized that I just couldn't feel anything. My tears were shed as a child and there just aren't any more to give that woman. She just hugged me and said never apologize to me again over your feelings. So we took aunt Rae to dinner and amused everyone around us when the bill came . Doug won. I'm tired friends. Been going non stop and falling into bed every evening exhausted. Now this. Can't believe I actually hit a comfort zone the last year then boom. Here we go again. It's all good. I've had to handle worse. Have a beautiful weekend my angels!!!!

Hi to the couple of newbies to this thread, SusanJMT, Nancy and any others. If you read the thread through you will see that Lisa's mum left Lisa's home some time ago, and Lisa has put up strong boundaries to protect herself and her family. I think she would advise anyone in a similar situation to do the same. Good luck! Joan

Survived2: I want to report that since reading and writing on the AgingCare forum, I have moved from guilt to anger to a quieter, more peaceful and stronger place, in such a short time -- a matter of weeks. My only advice to you now is to keep using the forum to express yourself, and read the diverse stories and advice from the participants, knowing that they are also in different placed on their paths. I feel so grateful for this forum for the help it has been to me.

Ok KAW i have finally read and caught up.

I have a mean and hateful mother living me, too. She was also addicted to narcotic pain pills, and she would sneak extra ones even though I'd hide them. I kept going to the doctor trying to explain her behavior and thinking it was withdrawal symptoms between the doses. I also could see how she would act in front of others - nice and humorous - but not that way to me. I wrote letters to the new doctor I found for Mom, explaining everything. I thought they had fallen on deaf ears, until about a month ago, when I took Mom into see the doctor for (you guessed it) pain, and she fell apart, emotionally, right in front of the doctor. Then, all of the things aI had written in letters came out from the doctor's mouth and she got her into a geriatric psych hospital. During her 10 days, there, she is off the narcotic pain pills, and is more stable emotionally. She is still mean and hateful, however, so that part didn't change much. Lol. There is hope for getting someone off pain pills, believe it or not. I can't. I was so skeptical of it, but here she is with other medications for pain, but no narcotics. Mom has only lived her for 6 weeks and I am ready to pull out my hair. We are exploring all options, and in MS the pickins are slim, believe me. Good luck. It sounds like you have a good start!

Oh my, this is a story that is somewhat familiar to me and I can tell you that you will never make her happy no matter what you do. This situation can destroy YOUR family. It is not fair to your family at all and, family comes first (your immediate family that is). I truly understand what you are talking about. I have been there and really I am still caring for my mother, however, she is now in an assisted living and I am slowly weaning myself from all of it.
You can only do so much. You mentioned that is your mother does a certain action then something else will happen....whatever your mother's actions, she will have to suffer the consequences...(taking into consideration safety of course), I have been in your situation and it doesn't matter what you do or how much you do, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. The arguments over the pain meds and stuff, you probably don't have time for all of that. You probably want more than anything for her to just trust you and rightfully so since you are caring for her but from what I have learned they never get it. My opinion, I would look for her a medical facility or some place where she can be taken care of and you can get your life back. Just let her know that you love her and that is all you can do. However she responds, we have know control over. Good luck with your situation and just take one day at a time. Try not to project the future like I did, it will drive you nuts. Something good will come your way soon.

Lisa: You are a love. Glad you got the hat and know that it came from a special place.

ShadowChild1....I believe you are right...COPD meds do cause altered behavior. I took care of a Pt whose behavior would change and she'd become extremely mean and overbearing (eventually I had to stop working with her because of it). "Mom" has a lot working against her...addicted to pain meds plus COPD meds are likely causing altered behavior. I'm appreciating this thread because it's addressing a lot of issues that even paid caregivers need answers to. There has been great support and advice in the posts.

Getting out now is the best thing. Listen to what could happen (happened to me). My 90-year-old Mom knew how to dial 911 and report all the things she imagined to the police. I was able to keep the police from arresting her caregivers when she had them. When I took over the care, I realized after a long hellatious time that the same thing could happen to me, and there would be nobody to speak for me. Indeed, the police arrived to DEAL WITH ME, and it took a while to convince them that I was caring for Mom appropriately, and allow them to see for themselves that Mom was not "too tightly wrapped" as my Dad used to say about some people. Under no circumstances are you to ever feel that you failed you Mother. Promise.

Ah Lisa that story just made my day. I can just see a smile that big. They Love You and best of all you Love them Back.

Ah, thanks for sharing! Excellent! I'm so glad you have people in your life who treat you like the gem you are!

* out those doors with the Hugest smile!! :)

Well Jeanne I put this story of my hat on Facebook with a picture. Wish I could send a pic here but here goes:

I took ray and Mary to the VA hospital for his chemo treatment. On the way to the cafeteria we stopped in a room where they sell military caps, medals, etc. Well I saw a hat I loved. It was pink with the breast cancer emblem on it with the words BELIEVE. I asked the price and thought nah, I can find one cheaper than that. So we ate breakfast and went upstairs for the four hours of chemo needed. We leave after for the elevators and ray took off down the steps. I moved to go with him and Mary said stop. Leave him be. We get downstairs and wait and I'm panicked thinking he's hurt himself, he's fallen down the steps. I'm headed for the doors to go look for him and there he came. He walked out those doors with the Hubert smile on his face waving the pink hat I fell in love with. Now some may think dam Lisa, it's just a hat. Wrong. It's love in it's purest form. What it took for him to get down those steps just to surprise me. I still get a lump. Made me cry. In the car he said girl your gonna have to dry those tears up cause I'm too dam pooped to get us home. So there is the story of my new hat

You deserve a HUGE HUG! Your family is simply amazing for helping out with your mother. Has she been diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimer's? Because she sounds a lot like my mother who moved in 3 months ago. She constantly loses things and accuses my children and I of stealing them. She has also displayed paranoia, like we are plotting against her. During the holidays she got in an argument with my husband and went in her room, called her sister and said she wasn't going to be at their Christmas party because she would be in jail. She said that he had called the police and she was going to jail! In my family, there were 3 children. My brother and sister both took drugs and both died from them. My sister was 17 when she passed away and my brother was 26. My mom started to say that I was the "bad" child and that they would never had treated her as badly as I treat her!!! That is simply crazy! Anyhow, now that 3 months has passed, the holidays are over, my kids are back in college, she has calmed down a lot. She knows we are trying our best, I no longer wake up each day dreading how the day is going to turn out. I've decided to control the situation and no longer let it control us! We are looking into an assisted living community. I know my mother doesn't want to be a burden and she doesn't want her independence to be taken away. But, she does need her 10 medications dispensed properly and she does need someone to cook for her. She will have other seniors to interact with anytime of day, have a full list of activities to chose from depending on her energy level, and best of all she is excited about the prospect of it. I hope that you can take charge and know that your mom is a sick women. Your husband is so sweet allowing her to move in. But, you don't want her to ruin your relationship or your family life. You are an awesome daughter and I respect you immensely! There is help out there. Maybe your mom needs to have a doctor give her a thorough exam and figure out what is going on with her. Until my mother had the brain mri, we didn't know she had suffered a series of mini strokes. And trust me, her behavior was really bizarre. It explained a lot. Take-care of yourself.

((((lisa)))) You are doing well. Declined MPOA - I guess! Cleaning out her room is over and above as far as I am cocerned. NH sounds like a good place for the DQ. I am glad they are going after the nephew. He has it coming. Hope Ray and Mary are doing OK.
Kentucky Kate - nice to see you again and thanks for the kind words. Keep in touch.
jeanne - good for you for getting active in the kitchen, and that Pat is interested in trying new things. I think cooking is a good sign. I am sure you will do a stellar job with your mum once a month.
chimonger, I really identify with this "I simply cannot get sucked back into their behaviors anymore, no matter how much I love them--it's such a trap..
Dysfunctional families are messy business". Indeed they are! Hopefully the next generation will do better, though, as some forms of dysfunction are genetic, some will be carried in down the generations, unfortunately. I see it happening in my family.
diavalon - what a lovely story about your uncle. Nice to hear about some good guys for a change. I find cooking is comfort too, and I go for things that are nourishing, and tasty - things I can eat,
Need more prayers here. Gary went south, before going west on business to, among other things, see his son with the head injury as he has not picked up well after the operation before Christmas. Then, yesterday, I got a phone call from Gary's dad that it looks like their home is sold, so Gary had some things he has to get out of there, quickly, but the bad news is that his mum is in hospital with an infection in her heart - she had bypass surgery 6 years ago, is throwing up from the pills they are giving her, and can't even speak to her husband. She is 87 and dad is 89 - neither in great health. The move to the ALF, though necessary really should have been done a few years ago, as it has been too hard on mum. The poor man was in tears on the phone, which surprised me as I don't really know him, and I wish I could do something. But there really isn't anything I can do, and I am stuck up here. I told him he could call me to talk any time. It is about all I can do and pray.
♥, hugs and prayers for all. Joan