By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
I hope you can find a solution, but don’t expect Mom to change. Old habits die hard.
The alcohol and depression also sound familiar and just exacerbate their issues of self-involvement. I have been completely dumbfounded by some of my mother's outrageous demands and blatant disregard of my schedule, financial obligations and... feelings.
I just try to remember when my parents were younger. This isn't who they always were. They are losing control of so many aspects of their lives, they often lash out and have ridiculous expectations that are really based in their fear and frustration.
I'm not preaching or lecturing (I'm actually avoiding my parents altogether currently, after being pushed to my personal limits), but just try to have compassion for your mom and yourself. If she is unreasonable, take care of yourself. Try to be kind to her, but don't engage or apologize. You aren't dealing with a reasonable person, you have to be the reasonable one. Personal boundaries are helpful in avoiding burnout or becoming resentful.
You're doing what you can, you are doing better than me! 👍🏻
Hope it gets easier 💕
Is mom seeing a psychiatrist for her depression? Is she on meds? Perhaps she needs a different one, a higher dosage or an additional med. Because her reaction to the fact that you will miss one day of visiting is WAY out of proportion.
Start cutting back on your visits.
It sounds to me like your mom has some narcissistic traits and controls you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG--it's a thing, you can Google it!)
There needs to be a putting down of the foot—your foot. Just because she is your mom doesn’t mean she is your Slave Master.
Practice saying, “No, Mom. I can’t do that right now.” If you snap to it every time she barks at you, more than one-half the responsibility for your situation is your fault. Stop being so available to her. Allocate one-half of one of your days to her for her to do as she pleases. Shopping, Visiting, whatever. If you can’t make in because you have something to do, she’ll just have to wait. I would not hire someone else. Pop in with a few groceries if she needs them or a pizza one day after work and that’s it. If she becomes angry and accusatory, tell her good-bye and leave.
I would absolutely consider a higher level of care for her. I really think she needs it. That would take a lot of the pressure off you.
You say Mom’s primary ailment is depression. Could it also be dementia? Has she been evaluated? These are both conditions that can cause us to become very emotional. I suffer from depression as well. Yesterday, a Facebook friend had to put her cat down. I’ve never met her or her cat but we have been friends for a dozen years online. When I read her post, I cried like a baby.
If Mom is becoming difficult for you to care for, you might want to consider other options for her. It’s a lot to work full time and care for someone who can be difficult.