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I see many questions and responses about how to handle our loved one with dementia. Call me Debbie Downer, but I just have to say that it’s one of life’s cruel tricks for someone to end his/her life with this disease. We take all these measures to live a good, long life, but for what? My mom is 92, and her dementia is slowly progressing over the past 10 years. I was caring for her in my home, but recently placed her in Assisted Living. There are lots of issues like delusional thinking and the inability to truly engage in conversation. Her memory is nonexistent. I honestly cannot perceive that this is the same woman who raised me. She is just waiting to die. She liked living with me, but the constant stress of her verbal repetitions and other characteristics were impacting my health and sense of well being. Here she is, healthy as a horse at 92 except for osteoporosis and balance issues, but her mind is gone. She is a stranger to me. It’s painful for her and for her children; it would be a blessing if God took her out of her misery.

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Dccneal: I am so sorry that your mother has Alzheimer's.
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Actually, I rather like the idea of dying of Alzheimer's disease. Forget all the "bad memories"; enjoy meeting nice people (family and friends); enjoy good books and good movies all the time (yes, they are repeats but who cares); enjoy favorite foods as firsts (keep the chocolate coming)... As long as the routine is consistent and I am content and cared for, then no problems.

However, I do understand that you have "lost" your mom, the woman you knew. This is harder for family and longtime friends who see the disability because they remember the vibrant person that "was". Try to remember that in the latter stages, the folks with this disease do not feel the "loss" or regrets that you do.
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Cover99, How many people to you know who lived to be 125? People will die no matter what you do. My husband who ate well all of his life has had Alzheimer's for about 4 years that I know of. My Ex's diet was awful. He is 93 and mentally and physically in great health. There is a country song by a group consisting of Waylon Jennings, Mel Tillis, Bobby Bare and Jerry Reed called "You're Still Going To Die" (https://youtu.be/WdEoputkE98) look it up.
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Yep. Neuro medince is just so much most difficult and complicated than any other type of medicine. Its easy to fix a heart, treat a kidney, maintain a liver. The brain and spinal cord are big unknowns in comparision.
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I’m sorry for your pain in this, watching the awful progression and missing the mom you had. After my mother had a huge stroke that took literally every physical ability she spent four years trapped in a body that would do nothing. She couldn’t eat, sit up, roll over, lost speech, lost swallow, the list goes on and on, but her mind was fine. At the same time her sister was physically in great health, but her mind was completely ravaged by Alzheimer’s. Our family often talked about which was worse, a mind or a body that wouldn’t work anymore. The answer always came to both are horrific and devastating to watch. I wish you as much peace as possible, your mother is blessed to have you in her corner
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Dccneal...I agree with everything you have said. This is a terrible, horrible disease and no one should ever have to go through this. My mother passed with Alzheimer's and it was sad and a relief, because I know my mother would not wanted to live like she did if she was in her right mind. My mother weighed only 87 lbs. when she passed, she was unable to feed herself and I wonder if anyone really helped to feed to her.

I think there should be a law that when a person reaches a certain stage of no return whether it be Alzheimer's or cancer or some other devastating disease a person should be able to have their life ended in a dignified matter. There should be a back up like a doctor or someone else to help with that decision if the person has no one they can trust or living relative that can if the person is unable to make that decision their self. I live in a senior community and we have had this decision many times especially when someone in our community passes away. We all feel we should be able to end our suffering on our own terms. None of us want to end up in a nursing home sitting in our own waste and tied in a wheel chair, that is no life.
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My brilliant mother was always a hotmess due to her mental illness, bipolar, borderline, schizophrenia, attachment disorder, you name it, diagnosis of the month. Her quick and clever mind was felled by 3 little frontal lobe strokes, that was the beginning of the end. She worked so hard to recover, on the elliptical, with her ipad word games, until she realized no matter what she ever accomplished, she was never going "home". In one day, her car, house, independence, loud tv, lazyboy recliner, was all over, and she got the idea she was going to recover. The virus almost wiped her out, her family avoiding her even when they were allowed to visit, (she is very difficult, I don't blame them) and an UTI was it. She gave up. I don't blame her. There is occasionally a glimpse of her when we talk on the phone. I have researched and stockpiled and arranged everything I need to make sure this will not happen to me. I have a paid fiduciary to carry out my DNR. I have no family, friends, or spouse to influence my decisions or inherit any of my assets. I've learned my lesson. That's all we can do. I am sorry for your sadness, I have it too.
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I’ve always felt any dementia or neurological disease is one of the worst ways to end life. I’ve decided I will be stockpiling pills so I can exit before I live like that. Sometimes I think it’s harder on the caregiver but it’s an awful way to go. My dad finally couldn’t take it anymore at nearly 99 and stopped eating so he could die. I didn’t blame him as his life was without purpose or joy and he was literally wasting away wishing he could die. It was cruel. I was relieved when he died for him and for me. We are all living so much longer now and it’s causing major issues.
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My 91 1/2 year old gentleman (our 45 year relationship was multi faceted) was as active as he could be. Dementia meant repeated conversations, frustrated moments and his keen awareness that he was changing. A fall took him to the hospital and rehab. Additional falls resulted in another hospital and rehab stay. He seemed to adapt well but more individual non-medical care was needed.

Not being able to return to his home, we finally got him settled into a highly recommended memory care. I told him it was like going to camp. He actually adapted and enjoyed the company and activities. He seemed to thrive.

An early morning call announced that he was going back to the hospital. Doctors determined that he had a bowel blockage and suggested surgery.

I read his health care directive and followed his wishes. The hospice care offered at the hospital was inclusive, sensitive and supportive. His decision took the hard part away from me.

Yes...he is gone. But he was not what he was. The man who single handed his sailboat, ran with the bulls and loved me is in my heart.
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My mother at 97 no longer recognizes me, and she can't do anything for herself. She can still eat, but must be fed. She can't walk and needs 2 people to move her from her bed to a wheel chair or geri chair, although she's about 90 lbs, she's a dead weight. She's in a memory care unit, where the staff are taking good care of her. But I still visit her as much as I can, and I still love her. I want her to be well cared for. I'm planning to update my own living will to say that if I cannot feed myself, not to feed me (only hydration).
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I agree with so much of this. Said ‘good-bye’ to mom so many times as she changed and memory faded. I was sad for my kids and family when she passed last Christmas Day but I did not feel the sadness for myself. She was not the same person, just a shell. Sounds terrible, I know. I enjoy all the memories we have, look at photo’s, am so thankful my grandson was able to meet her on a few occasions too. I don’t get sad cause she’s gone. I’m not sure if that is right or not. It just is the way I feel. I watched and cared for her through some rough times and am thankful that neither of us has to deal with it any more. (There is plenty more on my plate, but as for her, I know she is with her Savior I heaven and is whole! Couldn’t ask for anything more.)
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Even if Dementia is not involved, I sometimes wonder how many ailments and deteriorations we should continue to try to "fix" as we or our LO's get older. It sometimes seems we are trying too hard to stay alive "until the next bad thing happens."
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I know exactly what you mean. No judgement here. I pray every day God will mercifully take my 90 yo parents home. Minds are going south and they are so frail and in pain, mobility is decreasing and now barely able to stay in their own home but refusing to go where there are people and activity and help.

Sometimes I regret keeping them here on this earth by good medical care, when Heaven is waiting for them. Keep praying. I am praying for you.
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Dementia is not bias or prejudice. It doesn’t favor one person over another. It is an equal opportunity disease. Anyone can get it, whether they were once a professor, an actor who won awards or even the president of a country. It happens and we can only stand in awe. It’s heartbreaking, saddening, and depressing. But the story may temporarily end here. It continues better on the other side. Just hold on.
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no words of wisdom....I share your pain. Most insidious disease ever. Your description is accurate. My wife is 57.
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I’m so sorry for your pain. I know how it feel because I went through it with my mother. I pray that her suffering and your is not too long.
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i know what you mean, my dad was 90 when he went into the NH with dementia that he was experiencing for about 3 years prior, but he was still trying to work outside at 88. it is tough and when my father passed, he was not in pain. my mother now in NH with congestive heart failure is hard to watch as she does not have dementia but has started to swell in arms/hand/legs, breathing with oxygen on and heart at 45% or maybe less now. i pray that when her time comes that the Lord will let her pass in the night without pain and no struggles. God only takes when its the right time. We can only do what we need to do and the rest is not up to us in the end. Their passing will hurt us more than them and I wish you luck. just visit when you can and talk about things from her past.
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That's part of life. Have you heard the phrase "Born to Die" As soon as we come out of the womb, the clock starts ticking to when we die. Dementia is just one of the ways that happens. Ironically, if you do some research, In some ways dementia could really be diminished or even avoided living a healthy lifestyle when younger.

So many people eat a lot of meat and/or processed foods, that lead to many of these diseases.

Think of it this way, if a lot of people did not have serious health issues that would lead to a hospital, NH, AL stay, how many people would be out of a job?
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Yes it is cruel. My Mom was 89 whenbshe passed. I think there were signs before but a hit on the head and concussion in 2011 started the decline. She lived at home (with my nephews help) till 2014 when I brought her to my house with the plan to sell her home and with money she had saved and use it to place her in AL for at least 2 yrs then Medicaid would take over. The house didn't sell in the 20 months I had her where her decline was even more. I could not care for her so placed her with the savings she had. Her decline continued, money ran out so I had to transfer her to LTC.

What I remember the most about those last years is her looking at me with those blank eyes. There was nothing there.
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