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I've got my mom in daycare at an Alzheimer's facility 2-3 days a week. I think it's going to save what sanity I have left. When I consider that she took care of me for the first 15 years of my life - I don't know how she did it. But I owe her the best I've got right now - no children at home, so it's easier for me. Do remember to take care of yourselves (all of you).

God bless you and give you peace -Lira
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Everyone here who is a care giver for a parent or loved one. Please consider this. If the one your caring for can afford a companion aid to come in 1-3 days a week or a few hours a day. Get them one ASAP. Do not give up your time or time with raising your children. I don't think when we were born our parents thought this situation would ever happen. "The child taking care of the parent" There are many affordable agencies as well as independent licensed care givers at affordable prices. Think it over and remember to take care of your self.
Blessings
Laurie
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Jeds mom, your outline sounds very much mine. my brother died 3 years ago in november also, suddenly of heart failure. My mother has lived with me since 2001, and i have taken care of her. She and i used to have a lot of fun and were supportive of one another. this is no more. very often, and i mean nearly every day, i see my mom going thru the drawers in her chest. she will move things from one drawer into another, or sometimes into a suitcase. then she forgets where she put them and thnks that i have done something with them. She has bought clothes that she has never worn, but says that i have put them there(i havent) she gets very angry when i tell her that she bought them and tell her which store, she swears that i am trying to make her think she has lost her mind? she has lost her atm card, her social security card and the key to her safe deposit box. all of these things she used to keep very close watch on. i cancelled the atm card, and am in the process of getting her a new ss card, but have no idea where the key is. i have looked and looked, and she keeps saying that i took it and hid it from her. Then i get very angry and snap at her too. she never seems hurt by it, just continues to accuse me of taking her money, her keys, her clothes and putting unknown clothes in her closet to make her think she is losing her mind. I agree it is maddening. I do not work outside the home, so, unfortunately, i am with it 24/7, therefore, i am a little envious of those of you who do at least have the break of going to work. wish i could my self. anyway, i agree with plychata, it is not gonna get much better. hope we can help you in some small ways. the people on this site are unbelievably understanding and nonjudgemental. hang in there
Donna
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It is hard to work and then go home to something unknown. Unknown cause you don't know what awaits you. I also snap at mom and then ask God for forgiveness and to give me more patience. I find myself crying in any room that I might be in. I can't tell you that things will get better because they won't. Maybe you should look for some help, ask your doctor. I did.
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i feel so guilty at times when I get frustrated with my mom. I sometimes snap answers at her when she asks me the same things several times. I pray for God to give me patience and to help me be the best daughter I can be. this evening I got so frustrated with her over her meidcal bills which I had sorted and had ready waiting on some insurance papers and she brought them out again tonight and had them all mixed up again. I don't know when she did it. I work at my job during the day and she is here alone. I guess she looks for things that are on her mind and this is what happens. I felt my BP going up and my head feeling like it would explode, so I just had to get and walk into the other room for a while. I love her very much but sometimes it is so hard to remember. Thanks for listening to my worries.
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Jedsmom, I understand what you are going thru. My mom and I have always been together and like you, I could count on her. Not anymore. I get upset because she isn't my mom anymore. It is very hard to see this on a person that you love and care about. Just understand that we are not alone, all of us are going thru one thing or another with our parents. Some of us might not write anything but we all read them anyway. Take care and remember that you are not alone.
Ply
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hello. I am new to the site and read several pages of dialogue. My 87 year old mother lives with me and vice versa. I bought the house we live from her a little over a year ago. We have lived together and been each other's support since my husband left me with a 5 year old son over 20 years ago. About 3 years ago my brother and I started noticing some changes in mom's memory and her physical stability. He was divorced and lived in the garage apartment at the time. That same year he was diagnosed with AML(acute myloid lukemia) and passed away that same November. My mom became a bit more incapable and worried about herself and her health after this. The next year my older sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent part of annual leave trying to take care and help her in a state about 700 miles from where we live. My mom was left mostly alone at home during this time. My son would check in with her and my other sister did check on her some also. By the end of that year mom was noticably to me anyway changing. She was no longer the strong women that she had always been and the rock I had always counted on. 2008 has continued to be ever changing in her and her capibalities. She can still mostly take care of herself but forgets things often and that is scary especially when she is cooking. She was always there for me to talk to about things but she no longer is able to have deep conversations. I could always count on her to give me hugs when things were hard and now she thinks only she has difficultues. I am having a very difficuly time with my mom getting older and not being my mom. I feel so alone. She and I have been close for so long and now it is like I have lost her even though she is still here. I hurt watching her and not seeing the emotionally strong woman I have always known and looked up to. I miss my mom even though I am with her every day. Life has changed and I am not ready for it to change. Going through menopause along with this is not an enjoyable experience. :(
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I so understand! You be careful late at night, ok? Once-in-awhile, I do a night drive just to enjoy the cooler fresh air and a leisurely, albeit brief, breather. Thanks for sharing that, KelleyBean. Your sharing our similarity in outlook is uplifting. I am dead tired tonight after a day of being on standby for service people and juggling some organizing tasks. Feels like a full day's work. God bless you, Kelley.
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sunshine,
I do the same thing. My mother doesn't sleep the whole night through. Needless to say I rarely sleep myself. Late at night, when I know she will be out for at least 2 hours, I drive down to the local all night store and get some hot cocoa or something. It's cold out, but I also walk slowly back into the building. Everything is so quiet and peaceful at those times.
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Greyson, sometimes that early morning drive for a cup of my favorite coffee is the only break I know I will have for the entire day. The early rising and early drive before the world starts to stir is heaven sent for me. So is making my own coffee and sitting quietly on my sofa before the rest of the world starts to stir. Precious minutes, or sometimes precious seconds, and occasionally, precious hours. I have yet to find a formula other than rolling with the punches of life. Bless you. Hope you get to enjoy a cup of coffee tomorrow morning before the world starts to stir. It is great not having a chore or a care in the world, even for a few precious seconds.
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KELLYBEAN
I know how much it hurts when they tell people that you don't do anything for them-the husband always said that -he is bipolor and really believes it is true but I know others know that is not true and if they believe him they can blow it out their ear, it is just something they do maybe it makes them feel better.I wrote a list for our pastor at his request of all the things I was willing to do and it was a LONG one when I showed it to the husband-he said but what are you doing for me.I am glad you are with us on this site.
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Apparently I don't do enough either.

I should be more patient, I should try and understand that this is just temporary, according to him, that he will be able to take care of himself again soon.

I need to be more patient....I need to do for him from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed, I don't do enough to take a break....but if I really need one, I am to just leave him home alone and go get myself some coffee.

I can't leave him home alone. And I take breaks rather he likes it or not.
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lirabawy, thanks for your timely reminder for me that it is normal to be "scared silly" when "nothing makes sense" to someone who has a cognitive impairment. Sometimes it is hard to fully grasp that concept, but your words have cleared some cobwebs from my brain. Thanks so much for putting it so simply and clearly. That is why caregivers supporting each other is so neat. We can learn from each other.

brclark, so true. We are vested in the authority of the relationship even when health erodes the natural order of the relationship.

jamil, sad to say, the stress is part-and-parcel of the package of caregiving. The best way I have of managing my stress is to ensure that every single day finds me doing at least one thing that I enjoy, be it for 5 minutes, if that is all I may have to spare that day, or for up to 4 hours, if I am fortunate on any given day. For me, that is more than enough to keep my life in balance. Little things keep me happy and remind me to smile and I allow myself to cry when I feel any tears wanting to go away. Tears can be healing, at least for me. Then, honk your nose, wipe your eyes, and look up at the sky. The sky is always beautiful.
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Donna, you are most welcome. Because of declining health and cognitive issues, it is so easy for some of us caregivers to just focus on symptoms, forgetting that there are scared individuals with dashed hopes and dreams who have suddenly become so vulnerable, just like you and me. Thank you.
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I know that I have it easier than a lot of people who post here. My mother does not have dementia, she actually gives me credit for keeping her on a low-sodium diet that has kept her chronic CHF in check for over a year and I am able to leave her alone for several hours at a stretch. But having said that, she tends to be negative and can be critical and say hurtful things. The reason that is so hurtful is because deep down we all have the expectation that this is our MOM. She is supposed to nurture and protect and encourage you and when that stops happening (or when it's never been the case) it hurts in a very deep and fundamental part of your spirit. I think that is true of everybody.
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Hello, KelleyBean. It sure is hard to ignore those comments coming from a loved one for whom you are caring when you know in your heart that you are doing your very best and working as hard and as fast as you can. Your post reminds me how much some of us crave approval and validation outside of ourselves. If it never comes from someone else, what I learned long ago in employment working for a boss who never made the time to offer any positive reinforcement is that regardless of whether she acknwoedged my work, or not, I had done a terrific job and I told her that on my last day on that job when she told me for the first time that I had done a great job. I told her that had I waited on her to hear those words, I would have quit a long time earlier. The same holds true for me as a caregiver. My own validation and confirmation that I am knocking myself out to keep my Mom well-cared for and away from the stone-cold long-term care industry is sufficient validation for me in my heart. When our loved ones age and become physically and cognitively impaired, there comes a day where I say that it is no longer reasonable or fair for me to look to my loved one for validation. She now has different ways of affirming our bond. I must accept that. Otherwise, it becomes me imposing my unrealistic expectation on someone whom I love with all my heart whose health is steadily declining. Don't lose heart. Look within and I promise you will find new strength for the long and rough journey you have chosen. May God bless you as you continue to care for your Mom now that she most needs someone who loves her to be there for her.
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Hello everyone, I new to this site. I am now caring for my mother for the 2nd time in my life. This time, it is long-term. I wish I could say that she has been battling diabetes for years now, but she never did anything to actually help herself on that end. She has now been officially diagnosed with dementia. My mother has always been quite verbally abusive with me. Has now become worse with her situation. The horrible things she says to me! The most recent, just made me angry! As I was cleaning up her urine from not making it to the bathroom on time, for the 3rd time that day, she was telling someone how I did nothing for her. I was so angry!! I moved from my home. My life. To take care of her. I have no job as she can't be left alone. I have absolutely no social life. I dress her, bath her, cut her meat for her, administer her insulin and other meds. How hurt and angry I was. I keep trying to tell myself, that NO I don't do enough for her. Its true. Everything that she can still remember doing or WANTS to do. I can't do those for her. I was recently very ill myself, and I was angry because I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes without being in a lot of pain. I couldn't do what I needed or wanted. So I think of that. No matter how angry I was, my mom is more angry than I can imagine. I know in my mind and others know too. That I do what I can. I'm just a sounding board. That's better to think of than thinking I am what she says I am in her rants.
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jamil - I'm trying to cope with the same thing. If you read sunshine's last post, it should help. It helps me cope when I think that inside my mom's jumbled mind, she must be scared silly. Nothing makes sense to her
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jamil, wish i could say i could help you cope with the stress, but, alas, we are on our own there. this site has been a life saver for many of us. My mom still drives me crazy, but some times words of wisdom from others keep me from being so overwhelmed. sunshine, you are right, all of us, including our charges, have the same range of emotions, sometimes it is easily forgotten. thank you for bringing that to our attention. austin, glad to see you back. hope you are lots better and glad you got your lifeline (computer) working!! everyone have a blessed day and try to remember to laugh at least once in a while, no matter how bad your day seems,
Donna
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hello my mother has alzheimer's and she drives me crazy. she forgets things with in seconds i know thats what happens and i try to have patients. but in all reality who can cope with that, its times where i just want to just leave but no one else will help i have brothers they are not much help. so i feeling stressed out how do i cope and be stress free somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Part of my post was cut off. Our loved ones (or relatives being cared for who may be unloved) cry real tears just as we do, experience physical pain and anxiety just like anyone else, become testy, and are as unreasonable as anyone else. There is a range of emotions for a caregiver and no doubt an equally intense range of emotions for individuals who are physically and/or mentally disabled.
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justice, I agree with what you have said. Not being able to care for onesself and having to rely on others for care has to be entirely depressing, not to mention isolating and confining. lirabawy, enjoy your well-deserved respite! shady and neonwocky, feelings are always worth sharing and what you have to share is meaningful and may help to release some of those overwhelming emotions.
God bless all caregivers...and those whom we watch over. We all walk on eggshells regardless of which side of the fence we may be on, because we are human
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Shadylady
I hope you stay on this site-you were one of those who helped me when I first came to this site and your friendship and wisdom was so great-it did me good to hear about others lives and I realized I had it a lot easier then most of you and helped me decide to try to keep the husband home instead of a nursig home-you not being here would be a great loss to us.
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Hi everyone- itis so good to be back-my computer was broke and my son was finally to get it fixed-I missed you all but you were in my thoughts and prayers. My back is still very painful but i know I am doing things I should not be doing but have to-will be having another xray this week to see if the two fractures are healed. Looking forward to getting caught up with all of you.
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Donna, please think about calling your Area Agency on Aging - the national directory is here http://www.n4a.org/ and they will be able to get you the contact information for your area's offices. At the very least they should be able to get you a little respite and they probably will have some other services that could possibly make things a little easier for you. I feel so badly for you being so unhappy and you are in my prayers. Peace, Betsy.
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sorry to say lira, there is nothing wrong with my mother other than pure dee old meanness. she is a control freak. and, i will never be glad for the suffering i have done in the last two years. i am 64 years old and i do not think i will out live the old witch. i absolutely hate her. there is never a time that i dont. she is a pain in my behind.
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Wow - I feel a lot better after reading these posts. My mom has dementia and is unable to tell night from day any more - sleeps in the daytime and wanders at night. But she's still mostly the sweet Mama I always had. Some days I want to scream at her, but she usually wouldn't understand if I did. I've enrolled her in a daycare program that starts Monday to give me some alone time and maybe get the house cleaned up just once. Wish me luck that she will adjust and learn to enjoy her time away from me. God bless all of you - hang in there - you'll be glad you did when it's all over. Lira
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hi everyone, read your postings all the time, but seldom have anything worth saying. today i had to reply, because like neon, i have felt the extreme need to hold a pillow over my moms head. of course she would put up a fight, and not sure i would overpower her. the mean old witch will live to be 109, and i will not be here to take care of her. for this i give thanks. life is not worth living when another person controls you. i have tried not to be controlled by her, but it just has not worked. let me know neon if putting a pillow over her head works, as if it works for you, i will do it too. or maybe i will put a plastic bag over my head........i will not be controlled this entire year. i will not go on guilt trips, as i dont wanna. hope you all have a great new year.
Donna
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I'm new to this site/group but my MIL has lived with us 24/7 for over 4 years after my FIL passed. I feel like I'm the kid even though we have 14yr old and 3yr old sons. Of course I can never do anything like my husband and she seems to love to tell me this all the time. She's also hateful to our oldest son but dotes all over our little one. (I was never supposed to be able to have another child due to many complications w/our first child but God Blessed us with another!) She's almost completely blind, lays in bed 24/7 and listens to the TV and doesn't want to do anything, she has uncontrolled diabetes w/neuropathy
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HI Neon, I have some very similar problems. except we live with my mom! She is VERY bossy and head strong. We have our living room and bedroom but that's it. No privacy and she claims she can't live on her own! She has diabeties and her eyesight is real bad. Other than that she is OK. I work full time and come home and have to fix dinner and she has a list a mile long of things she wants me to do. I get so sick and tired of doing it I want to scream.. my resolution? Go for a walk, talk to God. It really helps. AND talking to someone else who has been there done that. You are not alone. We are here. I haven't been on this chat line for awhile but it does help. And answer to your last question, you are not mean just human! Hang in there!
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